I really do need to study, as in really really hard in order to at least get a 'B' in Biology. Did I say I hate that subject? It is so not interesting! I swear. It's so boring! But I really need to at least get a 'B' so it would look good on my transcript, esp. when I apply for nursing school. Oh men. I probably would lose a lot of sleep over this. God help me.

So, d muna ako mag-bo-blog for a week or two. Got to get this finals over and done with before I indulge in any extra-curricular activities.

Paalam muna.

As I'm typing this entry, my ear is glued to the phone, listening to the sound of breathing of the man I used to love, as he sleeps at the other end of the line.

Moments I've tried to forget flashes one by one in my mind, as if showing me of what used to be and comparing it to what we have now.

For a fleeting second, I felt lonely. I was left wondering what went wrong that we both had to give up on what we used to have. What made me say we're better off as friends. What made me stop believing in love. What made me tired of relationships. What made me give up on the feeling.

How I wish tears would fall right now, but my eyes must have dried up already, owing to the millions of teardrops that already fell because of him.

After loneliness, I felt regret. Regret that it didn't work out, regret because I know we wouldn't be doing anything to make it work out.

But as minutes ticked by, as I listen to his even breathing, I smile. I smile because it is indeed better this way, that we are just friends. It is better this way that we gave up the fight. Better because we seem to be much closer now than we used to be.

I fought off going to sleep myself. I want to stay awake and just listen to him. I want to be awake when he wakes up. I want him to know that I'm still there for him, no matter that we both had to give up something special.

The love may have been lost, and the memories may have faded out already, but I'm glad that we still have this special kind of friendship between us.

Somehow, ngayon ko lang talaga na-appreciate ang song na ito.

Fallin'
(sa sobra ng daming nag-revive di ko na kilala yung original singer)

I'm afraid to fly
And I don't know why
I'm jealous of the people who
Are not afraid to die

It's just that I recall
Back when I was small
Someone promised that they'd catch me
And then they let me fall

And now I'm fallin'
Fallin' fast again
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love

You'd think by now I'd learn
Play with fire you get burned
But fire can be oh so warm
And that's why I return

Turn and walk away
That's what I should do
My head says go and find the door
My heart says I've found you

And now I'm fallin'
Fallin' fast again
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love

Help me I'm fallin'
Fallin' fast again
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love

(It always turns out the same
When I fall)
Lovin' someone, losin' myself
Only got me to blame

Help me I'm fallin'
Fallin'
Catch me if you can
Maybe this time I'll have it all
Maybe I'll make it after all
Maybe this time I won't fall
When I fall in love

Not that I'm in-love again or anything like that. It's just that I can relate to the first four lines of the song and to the lines "Why do I always take a fall when I fall in-love?"

I told him last night when I was talking to him on the phone that I seemed to have lost interest in men. I could have dated cute and downright gorgeous guys if I wanted to. God knows I've been asked out a lot of times already by very eligible men. But I always say no. Not because I'm still in-love with him (becaue I know I'm not anymore) nor because he ruined me for other men (he didn't). It's just because I don't seem to want to go out with any of those guys who asked me, no matter how nice or how gorgeous they are, or heck, no matter how nice their cars are. (haha). I just don't seem to feel the inclination to date again. I'm happy enough being alone for a while.

And I guess I'm not yet ready to take the plunge only to find out no one would catch me again.

The heart is tired. And the heart is happy to be alone for now.

Yup, you read that right. I think I'm finally moving on. About time. One month of mourning for one month of relationship is just too much, if you ask me.

I woke up early this morning with a smile on my face. And that ache in my heart that usually accompanies the dawning of the new day for me was gone. I felt lighter. I felt happier than I ever did for the last few weeks. And the tears were finally gone. Or at least I hope so.

It helped to know that I've finally accepted that it's over. As in really over. And that it shouldn't have begun in the first place. My heart doesn't plague me with questions of 'what ifs' anymore.

I'm not saying that I'm completely over him. But I know that I've finally taken that first step to move on. And it feels so good. I've finally broken free from the invisible chains he had tied up over me.

And he was right when he told me, "You don't belong to me anymore."

Yup, I don't belong to him anymore. I can finally say that truthfully, with no pain in my heart that usually accompanies that thought.

Whew. I've finally gone past that one big hurdle in my life. :)

I just want to post this interesting article I read from peyups. This is just an excerpt from the whole article. Naka-relate lang ako, sobra!

Ex or Next...
by Kuo Chun
from www.peyups.com

.......Wat if yung ex mo...

Is still there, Still hangs around,
Still does things for you,
Still wont let go,
Still wants you close,
Still wants your attention,
Still wants to be there for you,
Still want you to be there for them,
Still wants a special place in your life,
In your heart ,
In your mind,
Still wants you?

And I say, " Eh di, next."

Bakit nga ba next?

Because it's safe,
Because there's nothing more,
Because there's nothing left,
Because there's nothing right,
Because if you split the issue down the middle...


...Because I'm tired.

I'm tired of waiting,
Wanting, watching, thinking, and hurting deeply.
I'm tired of working for it, paying for it.
I'm tired of being the one that gets into trouble for the trouble you make.

How true!

I went to my college earlier to register for some classes I'm going to take in the Fall semester. I decided to take Anatomy and Physiology (scary!) and English 101.

It's a bummer I have to take up English subjects again when I already have a journalism degree. When I asked my advisor why I have to take that subject, he told me that it is required and that my english subjects from the Philippines won't be credited here in the US. That's how it works. That sucks big time.

I had to take an English placement test to see if I have to take English as Second Language (ESL) courses. I had to write an essay. I forgot what topic I chose. I took the placement test a couple of months ago. After reviewing the results of the test, my advisor told me that I don't have to take ESL subjects, and that I could register for English 101.

Then he asked me, "Tell me Joyce, you haven't been here in the US for long, why is your English so good?"

Well, duh?! Don't you just hate it when they think that just because you're a foreigner you don't know English?

I just answered him, "Because the medium of instruction in the schools in the Philippines is English." I mean, what else could it be, huh?

He shrugged his shoulders, and said, "No, that's not it."

"I already have a journalism degree in the Philippines.", I said.

"Ahhh... yeah, that's why."

But still that made my hackles rise, you know. It's degrading that just because you're a foreigner, and I guess because you're a Filipino at that, they assume you can't speak or write good in english.

Kainis ha.

***
Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. Finally got back the car I crashed a month ago. Only it's not my car anymore. My parents decided to give it to my brother instead. I guess, they got scared that I might get into an accident again, and mess up the new car.

Now, they decided to give me an old car instead. Arrgh. I call it a classic. Haha. Oh well, as long as it takes me from one point to another.

Procastinating

I should be kicked in the ass for doing this. God knows I deserve it. For instead of studying for a major exam in Chemistry later tonight, I'm blogging.

I don't know what's happening to me. Why am I so lazy today? I woke up around 9 am and told myself I should begin studying, but then I went out of my room, went to the sala and watched TV for an hour. Then when I finally decided to study, I saw my computer and heck, I couldn't resist. Got to check my emails for a minute. The minute turned into an hour. Oh hell.

Distractions, distractions. How I hate them. I promised myself I'd get an A in Chemistry, but at the rate I am going, I don't think I'd get that grade. Oh well.

***
Tell me how I can move on?

Borrowing Usher's lines from his song, I need to let it burn... my feelings for him that is. I need to move on. But how can I do that? For no matter how much I love him, I know there would never be an 'us' again. Never. I gotta let go.

But it's so hard. Really hard.

And meeting or dating other guys won't help either. No matter how many Joes or Johns they shove at my face ( my friends mean well, I know), I'm not ready yet to enter into another relationship. Not this soon. I'm not saying never but not now. Not yet.

Like I said I need time to heal, need time to move on, need time to let go of him.

I wish time moves fast. I'm getting tired of being miserable. I'm getting tired of this ache in my heart. I'm getting tired of crying at the least expected moments. I'm getting tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm getting tired period.

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New York, New York!


My whole family went to New York earlier. Syempre excited akong i-share yung mga pix dba? This picture was taken nung asa ferry kami papunta New York. That's me in the pink shirt. :)

Kaming tres marias. hehe. dats me with my cousin Mag and Chris. :)

Wala lang. Nagpapa-cute lang ako dyan. hehe

Mag, Chris, Winchy and me on the deck of the ferry boat.

Sa World Trade Center Path Station. Katabi ng ground zero.

Gusto ko lang ipakita yung Statue of Liberty dyan. At syempre nagpapa-cute na rin ;)

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I am directionally-challenged

How can a ten minute drive turn into two hours of non-stop driving?

Only I can do that. Pero ang saya. Kahit nawawala na ako nag-eenjoy pa rin ako. May dahilan naman ako e kung bakit ako nawala. Di ko pa alam yung mga places dito.

I was just supposed to pick up a friend from a place 5 to ten minutes from home. I left home around 7:45 at night and napick up ko na lang sya sa house nila ng almost around 10 pm.

I was driving around in circles. Pero in fairness malayo na talaga ang narating ko. Nung una nag-eenjoy pa akong mag-drive pero nung kinalayuan, naiiyak na ko kasi nawawala na nga ako. I kept calling my friend telling him I was lost. Nagbibigay naman sya ng directions pero d ko pa rin na-follow. Ewan ko ba. Nagmana ako sa papa ko. Directionally challenged din sya e.

But I had fun. Like I said nuon, driving calms my frayed nerves.

Pag talaga natuto na kong mag-drive, I mean, pag malakas na ang loob kong mag-drive sa highway, I'm gonna go to different places. Ang sarap non. Driving around not knowing where to go, just following where the road leads me. Ang sarap non.

I remember posting something here along those lines. Yung dream date ko is just driving around. Ewan ko ba. Mababaw lang naman ako a.

Oh wells.

***
Kailangan ko ng matulog but I can't. When I close my eyes kung anu-ano sumasagi sa isip ko. It's frustrating. Nakakainis. I need a rude wake-up call.

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Random thoughts

*Some things here only I can understand. Sorry. I need to rant.

I was wrong. So wrong.

I should've listened to my friends... There are some things you just can't bring back, no matter how much you want to bring it back... like virginity, or something more deeper than that... like trust, or love, or friendship.

No matter how you say you're okay, that everything's good for you, it will never be okay. Not this soon. Not now.

Some things you have to let them be. Yung bang di mo mapapadali. Like healing, or forgetting, or forgiving. Wounds cut too deep takes time to heal. And I can't pretend to be okay anymore when I'm not. I need time to heal. I need time to forget. I need time to forgive. And finally, I need time to accept and understand. And then hopefully, through the process of healing, I can finally, finally move on... and then let go.

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Why indeed?

When friends and coworkers ask me about him, I tell them we're still friends.

They raise their eyebrows at that, and asks me why.

Why would you be friends with your ex? Why would you still talk to him like you used to, three times a day, in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night before you go to sleep? Why do you still talk to him on the phone for more than three hours straight? Why would you still tell him of your lifetime plans, your hopes and dreams? Why would you still tell him of your problems, of why you are sad, of your disappointments? Why would you even want to maintain that special friendship you have with him? Why would you answer your phone in the middle of the night and talk to him because he can't sleep, while you can barely keep your eyes open? Why indeed?

I don't know the answers to all of that. But all I know is that talking to him keeps my world at peace.

It helps to know that even though being girlfriend-boyfriend with each other didn't work out, we still never let go of the friendship we have, where we started out in the first place. Whoever said lovers can't be friends is wrong.

***
Spring na! Ang sarap ng weather ngayon. Malamig pa rin pero d na ganun kalamig. Pwede na akong mag-sandals! Ang saya. hehe. :)

***
My whole year would be busy. Even on summer. I won't be having a vacation from school. Yesterday I just enrolled in summer school. I'll be taking up Introduction to Nutrition. I just want to get this nursing school done and over with. Gusto ko na lang talagang matapos. Sawang-sawa na akong mag-aral. I don't want to drag this any longer than I need to.

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I can relate to this song. Hay....

Barely Breathing
by Duncan Sheik

I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious if you have to ask me why
I say goodbye...

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
the price that I would pay

Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
the price that I would pay

But I'm thinking it over anyway, thinking it over anyway

I've come to find, I may never know
Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?

I rise above, or sink below
With every time, you come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price
the price that I would pay

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How much more pain can a heart take before it finally breaks down?

Earlier this morning, while I was at work, my supervisor, Dan, asked me,

"So, are you and your boyfriend back together?"

His question threw me offguard for a moment, but I smiled a sad smile, and shook my head no.

"No, Dan, it's over. It's really over this time."

He squeezed my shoulder in comfort and said, "He's a fool Joyce. He's a fool to ever let go of a person like you."

I was deeply touched by his words, and the sincerity I heard behind those words. I actually almost bawled in front of him, but instead I took ahold of myself, and smiled, "Thanks Dan. I really needed to hear that."

Sometimes it takes that kind of sincere compliment to uplift your spirit esp. when everything looks so gloomy. But sometimes even that sincere compliment couldn't take the blues away, esp. if your whole world just keeps falling apart day after day after day.

***
Yeah, it's really over for us this time.

What can I say, we tried but it didn't work out. Not because something's wrong with me, or something's wrong with him, but I think it's because it isn't our time yet.

I told him, while we were saying our farewells, 'More than anything else, I feel like I've lost my best friend..." It's true. In the few short months that I've known him, he had touched my life more than twice those people I know or who knew me. He was probably the only person who had known me inside out, all my thoughts and emotions, with no holds barred. So, I grieve more for the lost of a friend, rather than the lost of a boyfriend.

I feel so many mixed emotions right now, that sometimes I wonder what is it I really feel. Yes, I am sad, disappointed, lonely and miserable. But sometimes I also feel this anger at me, and anger at him. Yes, I am angry when I think about it. I don't even wanna discuss what I'm angry about. I try not to think about it.

He asks me for friendship. I wonder would it be the same? How can you be friends with someone who has hurt you deeply? How can you pretend that everything is alright, that everything is the same when it isn't the same anymore? It would never be the same anymore, coz though I love him, I already lost my faith in him. And I am not the same girl I used to be.

Although yes, I give him the friendship he was asking of me. And I hope, if all else fails, our friendship won't. But i doubt it. I really doubt it.

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Here comes the cold

Ugh, I'm sick again. My throat hurts so bad. I cough so hard till I can barely breathe and my head's pounding like mad.

I think I'm the only one in the whole wide universe who got sick three times during winter, and then got sick again at the start of Spring. Pathetic, pathetic body.

I've been drinking tons and tons of hot lemonade to soothe this dry, aching throat. I hope it would work though. I'm tired of getting sick, be at the body or the heart. Such a waste of time.

***
I wanna cry

This was my car the day I wrecked it. Waah! Will it become beautiful again, I wonder?



It's a wonder I didn't get hurt.

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This Girl is Tired

Emotionally and mentally, this girl is tired.

So, no matter that she loves him so much, no matter that it is so painful to let go and walk away, no matter that her heart tells her to stay and wait, she's not waiting no more.

No, she's tired of waiting and being kept hanging. She's tired of being played around like a yoyo. She's tired of being played around like she's some kind of a stupid toy. She's tired of the emotional highs and lows love has brought her. She's tired of expecting and getting nothing but broken promises and deflated hopes.

She's tired, tired, tired.

So, please don't come back anymore. No. Coz she won't be here waiting for you. Not anymore. Not again.

***
Here was the letter I was supposed to give him when he asked me for space that first time. I never did get to give him the letter...

Some good things never last

So this is how it feels to be at the receiving end of goodbye.

I used to be the one to walk away. I used to be the one to leave whenever I think things aren't working out anymore.

If I knew how it felt to be left behind, I wouldn't have said goodbye that easily before. I never really knew it could hurt this much. I never really knew it could be this hard. I never really knew I could feel so much emptiness inside. The term heavy heart never really meant something to me till now.

I wish I could say I understand you. Maybe in a some ways I do understand you. I understand what you're undergoing right now. But what I really don't understand is why you have to push me away. I would have been there for you through the rough times. I would have sailed the rough seas with you. I would have helped you carry the burden. Only if you asked me to. Only if you let me.

I don't understand you. You say you love me, and yet you're leaving. And before you argue with me that you're not leaving, well, it feels like leaving to me. You said you want me to be happy. But can't you see I'm happy with you?

I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Why don't you just say you're not happy with me anymore? Why don't you just say you don't love me anymore? Why don't you just say you want to go back to her? I would've understood you then. It would hurt me, yes, but I would have understood then. At least there's a valid reason. At least I would know why you have to throw this love I'm willing to give you. Why don't you just tell me the truth instead of giving me lame excuses? I can take the truth. I may not seem strong to you, but I am. Sure, I would've cried like hell for a month. But I could pick up the pieces soon enough. Why couldn't you just give me the naked truth instead of leaving me so helpless right now? Helpless because I don't know why you have to leave.

But, if there's one thing I've learned in my 21 years of existence, is that, you cannot make love stay if it doesn't want to. So, yeah, I'm giving you all the space you need because that's what you asked me. I'm giving you that time you say you need to think.

And no, I'm not leaving. I'll be here. I'll just be here waiting for you. Waiting for the time you had straightened the things that you need to fix. You say you're scared that once you leave, and decided to come back, that I won't be here anymore. You need not be scared, you know. There's this one line from one of my favorite songs, that goes "I wish I could say there'll be someday, I could crawl down on my knees to ask her back again..." In your case, you don't even need to crawl. Just open your arms towards me and I'll come running to you.

I wonder why you have this much impact in my life. I wonder why you're the only guy to strip away my pride. What is it with you? Why do you have this much power over me?

There's only one thing I ask of you. Please be fair to me. And please understand why I don't want you to call me just yet. Please be fair. Like I said to you, call me when you're ready. And not before. And please, don't keep me hanging.

And if you don't come back... then I'll just say thank you then. Thank you for the memories I've had with you. Thank you that in just a few short months, you made me happy. Too bad it can't last. Thank you for letting me get to know the man that you are. Thank you for the friendship, short-lived as it was, I learned a lot from you. And thank you, even for a short while, I had arms to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, ears who listened, and I had you.

***
Now I don't know anymore if I am ready to take him back if he asks me. I don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't want to undergo one hell week again. Bottom line, I'm scared because he has the power to hurt me over and over again.

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I'm Back

I've been bad. Very bad.

I've been neglecting my own blog. Two reasons: One, it's not my fault since my internet conenections aren't working for a week, so I had no choice I couldn't go online. And second, I was too busy in school.

Now I'm back.

Hay. I've just been through one hell week, I tell you. One whole week of crying till I don't have anymore tears left. One whole week of major disappointments in my love life - that once again led me to not believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters, to not to believe that love could lasts after all.

I'm okay now. We're okay. But still, the line 'once bitten, twice shy' holds true for me. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I'm scared of taking the risk one more time. I still don't believe. So while I may say I love you back, while I may smile and joke around and be sweet again, I hold something back of myself. It's what he wants anyway, isn't it? He keeps telling me when you love someone, don't give everything you got, leave something for yourself. Well, yeah, he's right. I've lost something in me that night he broke my heart. I hope it wasn't trust.

I told him once, he made me a stronger person. And he really did. I think I had become a stronger person emotionally because of him.

***
Updates about the car accident

Well, police reports say it wasn't my fault. Whew! Big sigh of relief on that.

The car can be fixed, although it costs waaaay tooooo much.

Our insurance went up because of me.

We can drive the car again on April 16.

And lastly, I hope it would still look good as new.

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