i think i now know why my relationships don't last... it's because i jump from one relationship to another to another to another without letting the pain of the failure subside first, without getting a breather first, without learning from the mistakes i made from past relationships.

I jump head-on into another relationship when the tears haven't dried up yet,,, and so i make the same mistakes i always make. it would seem that i never learn.

See, I'm the heart breaker. Most of the time I'll be the one walking away leaving their hearts bleeding. And even though it breaks my heart to see how much i hurt them i would always feel that it was a good decision to walk away.

Now, most of u would probably say, maybe she walks away because he's not the "one". Maybe so. And for awhile i console myself from the guilt i always felt from hurting the guy by saying he's not the one for me. we're not right for each other. sometimes i'd go as far as pointing out his flaws and telling myself that is why i couldn't stay.

It's all bullshit. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I say all these reasons to make myself feel better about hurting someone, to stop feeling guilty that i just trampled his heart.

The real reason why i can never make myself commit to someone is because i'm not ready yet for a commitment. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready to really give out my heart to someone. AFter that first heart ache i felt, or maybe even before that, i was never ready yet for something serious. i was never ready and yet somehow i always end up being committed to someone. And then after a couple of months, i would get this heavy feeling in my chest, like i want out. like... i don't know... like I'm not ready for it.

Maybe because it's just so easy to go with the flow. Like when the guy started getting serious, talk about marriage and family, i would just go along, but deep inside my heart i get this nagging feeling, like i wanna run as far away as possible.

I don't know why I'm like that? is it because i think i would be hurting them if i really say what i feel, that i don't want anything serious with them? ANd then after all these nagging feelings i get, i would feel scared like, hey what if he's really the one and i let him go because i'm scared? what if i tell him that I'm not ready yet and he leaves and then i realized how much i need him in my life and it's too late..

And then this heavy feeling just keeps getting heavier and heavier till one day i know i just have to walk away...

u know how many good men i walked away from? too many. men that all women would want for themselves. men that women always dream of having.

and oh my god, what if i just run out of good men??? what if after all that i've done, fate decided to just leave me alone and lonely. She'd say, "joyce, because u broke too many hearts, there will be no more guys for u, u will be living alone for the rest of ur lonely life."

gaad, what if i had the one and because i wasn't ready yet then i let him go???

what if?

when will i know when i'm ready? how will i know?

and lastly, do i have to break a heart again to finally, finally learn my mistakes???
i think i just need time for me. time to be ready for that someone. time to learn from all the mistakes i made. time to grow on my own without a guy by my side.

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