There are times, such as this time, when I just want to delete my blog's archives and start with a clean slate.

I've just been reading my past... and I do not like what I wrote. It gave me a glimpse of the person that I was, and what I had become.

I don't know. It just doesn't feel so good when you read about how much you have hurt a person, even though it's unintentional.

There are some things in my past that I want to forget. But I find that I can't because they've been documented in detail here in the blog.

I want to delete it.

But I'm still holding on to it.

Because I want to learn from my mistakes. And the archives contain a full documentary of that.

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Sledding in Winter Wonderland

My cousins and I went sledding earlier. Someting fun to do after that big snow storm that hit New Jersey (and other states too) yesterday. It was so cold that I had to put the hood up my head. Wished I had covered my whole face against the frigid wind. My face was so numb that I couldn't feel the mucus coming out of my nose. Hehe. Disgusting eh?

That's me (obviously!) outside my Uncle Adel's house. getting ready to go sledding. Geez, do I look fat or what?! I swear it's the pile of clothes underneath that black jacket!




See that girl with her arms outstretched, the hood of her jacket covering her face? That's me as I slid on my stomach down that steep hill. Ang sarap - sarap ng feeling. Hehe. :)




These are my parents. Behind them is our house. Ganda ba?



Posing for the camera. Tried snowboarding. Ang hirap. Kept falling on my butt!



---->>>> That was fun. But we have to leave early because the wind was so strong, felt like it was gonna drag us along for the ride. Might find ourselves back in the Philippines! hehe

Afterwards we all went back to Uncle Adel's house for some hot cocoa and sausage and cheese pizza! Yum-yum!

Although I didn't stay long because I was feeling rather dizzy. I thought I was going to be sick. Took some advil to ease the throb in my head.

Geez, got to work pa! Hayy!

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Was there ever a time in your life, you've longed for someone, wishing he was there with you, crying every night how you miss him, and then reminiscing all the wonderful memories you had together?

You had him, even for a brief moment... and the moment was so sweet that you repeat it over and over in your mind...

Then you made a bargain with God, you said, "dear Lord, please make him come back in my life and I'll promise to be good, really really good. I won't mess it again this time. Please lord? Please?"

You waited those long excruciating, lonely months, till you finally learned to move on, only you were never really the same person ever since.

And then suddenly he came back in to your life. At first you were so happy. You really wanted to bring back the friendship you've lost...

Only to realize... the friendship was already lost.

And that sweet moment you had wasn't really the sweet at all. It was only made sweet because you saw him through rose-tinted glasses.

But now that you've thrown away those glasses, you finally saw who he really is. And then you berate yourself, how could you have spent months crying over a memory that wasn't really there, that wasn't true at all?

You're embarrassed to admit, you had refused to see the man for who he really is because you were so blinded with love, but now you can see clearly, he is not the man you believed him to be afterall.

You should've listened to your friends when they tried to show you the man behind the mask. But you turned your eyes away, you refused to look.

But now you see... and now you see...

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Cheating Death

So there I was, driving 60 miles an hour, the hot air spewing from my car heater making me drowsy.... I remembered trying to keep awake... I remembered screaming obsscenities just so I'd wake up from the seeming stupor the hot air got me into... I remembered seeing the big red STOP sign ahead of me.... I remembered telling myself to stop... But then I continued on.... And when the STOP sign loomed right in front of me, that's when I suddenly remembered I was supposed to stop... And so, driving 60 miles an hour, I suddenly hit my brakes. I heard the tires squealing so loud, felt my heart stopped beating for a split second, and then I did stop in the middle of the road, where the oncoming cars could have hit me head on.

And then I drove on... but my kness started shaking so bad... I was having a hard time breathing... And I felt my whole body tremble.

It suddenly hit me. I drove past the big red STOP sign at 60 miles an hour! I could've died if there were cars around! It would have been my fault. Someone else could have died if he hit my car! And it would have been all my fault!

And there in the middle of the road, I thanked God that I didn't hurt anybody, that there were no oncoming cars, that nothing happened.

Oh my God! I almost died!

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I'm in-love!

He looked at me with those big blue eyes, with the long, curling eyelashes, and I melted.

He held my hand, and I felt the tingle.

He grinned at me, laughed excitedly, and I know he's got my heart forever.

He put his arms around me, kissed me oh-so-softly on the cheek, and I know I will forever be putty in his hands.

Hayyyy....

Okay, okay, before the readers boycott my blog and call me names, before they say, that two-timing bitch! She did it again! - I confess now, I'm in-love with a two-year old baby named Noah.

Noah is Jason's nephew. And I met him last Sunday when J's brother invited me to his house to celebrate their stepmom's birthday, and to watch the Eagles vs. Vikings game.

I dreaded going over to that little party. Sure, I met the whole family before but I wasn't still at-ease with them. My shyness comes out. But when we got there, everyone was so nice to me, that I can't help but fall in-love with J's family. But, Noah captured my heart first. That cutie little baby made me want to have a baby of my own! Hahaha. :)

My heart broke when J and I were leaving, and Noah wanted to come with us. He held out his arms for me, his lips were trembling, and big teardrops rolled down his cheeks. I took him in my arms, gave him a kiss on the cheek and promised him that I'll take him to the movies next time. I didn't want to let him go. I swear I was about to cry myself. He was just so adorable!

I swear I heard my heart break in two when I went out of the house, and heard him crying for me!

Hayyy!

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Got a Fender Bender

Grrr! My neighbor hit my car while she was backing out of her driveway. My baby, my preciuos baby got a fender bender! Darn. I don't know whether to be angry because that is a damn inconvenience on my part -- I have to go to the shop to have it fixed -- or just be thankful that my neighbor came forward and left a note tucked underneath the wipers saying 'Backed out on your car. Contact me (856)- blah blah.'

Just goes to show there are still honest people out there. AT least I won't pay for anything.

But still.... darn, how can she be so stupid? GRrr!!!

I was whining at Jason, told him my precious car couldn't take anymore hits. That car has been through a lot already, considering I only had it for less than a year. Hayy. Obviously the sales value diminishes in big leaps. By the time I get tired of that car, I could only probably sell it for less than a thousand dollars! Grr!

***
On other news...

My sister came to visit here in New Jersey. She's only staying for three days. She's leaving this Sunday. I don't know where to take her, parang wala naman kasing mapapasyalan sa NJ e!

***
On other, other news...

Jason's brother, which incidentally is my supervisor, invited me to his stepmom's birthday bash this Sunday (which is also the Eagles vs. Vikings playoffs). And I couldn't say no, since he backed me into a corner, and asked me, no, told me to come over.

Yay. I'm shy. I've met J's dad's side of the family before, but only once. And I'm still not at ease with them. You know me, I was born shy! Hehe.

I told Jason never to leave my side. Hehe. :)

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Trip to Rhode Island

Just got home from Rhode Island. We visited my sister there. Too tired to give details of the visit, so I'm posting pictures instead. Enjoy. :)


me and Ate Lanie


moi


inside my sister's apartment


Uyy, snow!


'eto pa snow!


Vince, me and Ate lan


Pa-cute ako dyan. hehe

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and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there - Relient K




I haven't blogged for a while. I guess for a while there I thought there really wasn't anything to blog about. It was like I exist into this world and nothing exciting or meaningful ever happens. Or that eversince the heart break I had eons ago, I felt like I have no right to be happy anymore.

I must admit, I turned bitter on life and on love. That eventhough I had Jason in my life, there was still pain and bitterness in my heart. Yes, I might have moved on and I might have let go already, but somehow traces of splint from the broken heart still surfaces out of nowhere, making my heart bleed one more time. For a while there, there was still anger inside me. I keep hearing voices in my head saying, I can't believe that happened to me! The jerk --- (feel free to add more profanities there, I said them all).

Then suddenly, as if a light was suddenly switched on in my head, I realized what I was doing. I was still looking back. I was still reliving the past everyday when I should be living the present. That past kept holding me back. Then suddenly, I understood what happened. I understood, and I know. Then the pain left me, the anger left me.

And I became happy. The kind of happiness that comes only because you learned how to forgive not only others who hurt you deeply, but you learned to forgive yourself too.

I said it before, I honestly thought Jason was just a rebound. I was wrong. Everyday that I'm with him, I feel blessed that I have him in my life. He had helped me heal the wounds of yesteryears, and with him, it seems that I have a clean slate. I fall in-love with him more everyday. Rebound? No. I found my lover, my bestfriend, someone I know I can grow old with. Now, I can't even begin to imagine life without him.

****
I surprise myself sometimes.

I surprise myself because somehow I know that I finally grew up.

Nakausap ko na sya. After long, long months of silence, we finally talked.

I surprised myself because the bitterness was gone already.

I'm happy to have a friend back in my life again. Though things between us couldn't possibly be the same again, I'm happy because I know somehow I regained an old friend.

I;m happy now. And I know he's happy with his life now too.

And you know what? There's finally peace.

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Another song

Okay, I know that these past few weeks, I've only been posting songs here. But heck, I can't resist... I have to put this song from Relient K. Again. I love that band! Song ni Jason para sa akin... or sa ex ko. hehe. Or pwede ring song ko para sa ex ni J. :)

"My Girl's Ex-Boyfriend"

When he was seeing her
You could see he had his doubts
And now he's missing her
Because he knows he's missing out
Now it's haunting him
The memories like a ghost
He's so terrified
Cause no one else even comes close

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

So then, along comes me,
This undeserving mess (undeserving mess)
Who would believe my life
Would be so blessed (life would be so blessed)
Two years ago
He left all that to breath (left all that to breath)
Who would of known
It would be everything I need

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

If it wasn't for him
I would still be searching
If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't know my best friend
If it wasn't for him
He would be able to see
If it wasn't for him
He would be as happy as me

She and I settled down you can bet
That he is going to have to settle for less
He's someone that I would hate to be
I got the girl and he's left with just the memory.

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

If it wasn't for him
I would still be searching
If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't know my best friend
If it wasn't for him
He would be able to see
If it wasn't for him
He would be as happy as me

Ang ganda dba? :)
More songs to come.

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Year-ender

Got this from J

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? - Fall in love twice in a year, took some risks that makes me cringe now that I think about them, oh and go to the casinos in Atlantic City.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? – I don't remember making any new year's resolution - which means that I probably did make some new year's resolutions but didn't keep them that's why I forgot about them now. Next year, hmmm, lose those baby fats in my belly.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? – Yes, my college friend, Cherry gave birth to this cutie baby (",)

4. Did anyone close to you die? – Nope

5. What countries did you visit? – Does USA count now that I actually live here permanently?

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? – nursing degree! sana matapos ko na tong nursing school. nagsasawa na ako sa kakaaral.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? – August 14, 2004 - that's when I found out that I can love again after all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? – Getting a nice-paying job, and meeting wonderful people while at it, and passing the driving test when everyone was betting I wouldn't.

9. What was your biggest failure? – Does getting your heart broken count as a failure?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? – Well, I got involved in a big car accident. Nothing happened to me. Just got my pride injured.

11. What was the best thing you bought? – My silver 2002 Nissan Altima

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? – Jason

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? – Someone really close to me did me harm. Someone I honestly thought I could trust.

14. Where did most of your money go? – Food, shopping, car, car insurance, tuition and books

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? – When I found out we're going back to the Philippines this year! Yey!

16. What song will always remind you of 2004? – Landslide

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier and sadder at the same time (makes no sense)
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter
iii. richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? – I wish I had travelled.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? – Sleep. I sleep too much!

20. How will you be spending Christmas? – I spent Christmas with my family and Jason's family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004? – Twice! Haha! Beat that

22. How many one-night stands? – Moi?

23. What was your favorite TV program? –Smallville, Charmed and Sex and the City

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? – You bet. But as I said, that was all in the past.

25. What was the best book you read? – The Da Vinci Code, definitely!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? – I learned to love rock and hate rap. I discovered Jimmy Eat World, Dashboard Confessionals, Greenday and a whole lotta' more. 75% of the songs in my mp3 player are rock, thanks to Jason.

27. What did you want and got? – Shopping spree without me paying anything, and an mp3 player!

28. What was your favorite film of this year? – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - the best!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? – 22. Had a party at home.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? – Having the perfect abs.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? – How would you describe the jeans, shirt and sneakers ensemble?

32. What kept you sane? – music, driving, Jason, family and friends

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? – the guy from Smallville, my very own superman!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? – Yay, Presidential elections, both here and the Philippines.

35. Who did you miss? Philippines!

36. Who was the best new person you met? – Jason

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: – You'll never know what love is really all about till you experience a heartbreak.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: – "So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences" ---->>> half the lyrics of the song "I so hate Consequences by Relient K

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