This Girl is Tired

Emotionally and mentally, this girl is tired.

So, no matter that she loves him so much, no matter that it is so painful to let go and walk away, no matter that her heart tells her to stay and wait, she's not waiting no more.

No, she's tired of waiting and being kept hanging. She's tired of being played around like a yoyo. She's tired of being played around like she's some kind of a stupid toy. She's tired of the emotional highs and lows love has brought her. She's tired of expecting and getting nothing but broken promises and deflated hopes.

She's tired, tired, tired.

So, please don't come back anymore. No. Coz she won't be here waiting for you. Not anymore. Not again.

***
Here was the letter I was supposed to give him when he asked me for space that first time. I never did get to give him the letter...

Some good things never last

So this is how it feels to be at the receiving end of goodbye.

I used to be the one to walk away. I used to be the one to leave whenever I think things aren't working out anymore.

If I knew how it felt to be left behind, I wouldn't have said goodbye that easily before. I never really knew it could hurt this much. I never really knew it could be this hard. I never really knew I could feel so much emptiness inside. The term heavy heart never really meant something to me till now.

I wish I could say I understand you. Maybe in a some ways I do understand you. I understand what you're undergoing right now. But what I really don't understand is why you have to push me away. I would have been there for you through the rough times. I would have sailed the rough seas with you. I would have helped you carry the burden. Only if you asked me to. Only if you let me.

I don't understand you. You say you love me, and yet you're leaving. And before you argue with me that you're not leaving, well, it feels like leaving to me. You said you want me to be happy. But can't you see I'm happy with you?

I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Why don't you just say you're not happy with me anymore? Why don't you just say you don't love me anymore? Why don't you just say you want to go back to her? I would've understood you then. It would hurt me, yes, but I would have understood then. At least there's a valid reason. At least I would know why you have to throw this love I'm willing to give you. Why don't you just tell me the truth instead of giving me lame excuses? I can take the truth. I may not seem strong to you, but I am. Sure, I would've cried like hell for a month. But I could pick up the pieces soon enough. Why couldn't you just give me the naked truth instead of leaving me so helpless right now? Helpless because I don't know why you have to leave.

But, if there's one thing I've learned in my 21 years of existence, is that, you cannot make love stay if it doesn't want to. So, yeah, I'm giving you all the space you need because that's what you asked me. I'm giving you that time you say you need to think.

And no, I'm not leaving. I'll be here. I'll just be here waiting for you. Waiting for the time you had straightened the things that you need to fix. You say you're scared that once you leave, and decided to come back, that I won't be here anymore. You need not be scared, you know. There's this one line from one of my favorite songs, that goes "I wish I could say there'll be someday, I could crawl down on my knees to ask her back again..." In your case, you don't even need to crawl. Just open your arms towards me and I'll come running to you.

I wonder why you have this much impact in my life. I wonder why you're the only guy to strip away my pride. What is it with you? Why do you have this much power over me?

There's only one thing I ask of you. Please be fair to me. And please understand why I don't want you to call me just yet. Please be fair. Like I said to you, call me when you're ready. And not before. And please, don't keep me hanging.

And if you don't come back... then I'll just say thank you then. Thank you for the memories I've had with you. Thank you that in just a few short months, you made me happy. Too bad it can't last. Thank you for letting me get to know the man that you are. Thank you for the friendship, short-lived as it was, I learned a lot from you. And thank you, even for a short while, I had arms to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, ears who listened, and I had you.

***
Now I don't know anymore if I am ready to take him back if he asks me. I don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't want to undergo one hell week again. Bottom line, I'm scared because he has the power to hurt me over and over again.