Dumating na kahapon yung mga cousins ko from Philippines. And to celebrate their arrival, pati na rin yung recovery ng lola ko, pati na rin ang memorial day, we had a barbecue yesterday. Took this picture from my camera. Unfortunately, isa lang ang picture na nakuha kasi wala ng battery yung camera. E tinatamad na kong bumili pa.



Anyway, cute namin no? Dba ang gaganda ng mga pinsan ko? Sos! Ang dami nyang magkakandarapang mga kano dito! hehe. :)

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I talked to my cousin earlier about the seemingly endless heartaches I had been going through. She knew of everything that has happened to me these last few weeks. She said that if she hadn't been reading my blog she would never know that I had just gone through such major setbacks in my life. She said that I seem to be strong. Her brother and my auntie thinks that I am strong... She said that this song reminded her of me...

I never really took much heed to the lyrics of this song. I first heard it hit the radio waves when Rico Yan died. But it never really had much impact to me till now.

Actually, to tell you honestly, I had been searching for the perfect song just for me. Something about hiding behind the mask I put on everytime I walk out of my door. And when my cousin told me about it, I knew I had found the right song that best describes what I am feeling right now...

SO here goes...

Warrior Is A Child
by Gary Valenciano

Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
I’m strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

[CHORUS]
They don’t know
That I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Cuz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I’m amazing
I never face retreat
But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at his feet

[CHORUS]
They don’t know
That I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Cuz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

They don’t know
That I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know
Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
Cuz deep inside this armor (deep inside)
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

***
This just says it all.

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I had the time of my life today. I met a new friend. She's Filipina. Her name is Ella. She's in my Nutrition class.

I only had two hours of sleep, but when she asked me to go to the mall with her, I readily agreed. I like her. She's so vivacious and funny. I never stop laughing when I'm with her. She made me forget my problems even for a short while.

We went from stall to stall trying on clothes. It was fun. We listened to her CD full of Filipino music. And the greatest fun of all, we bashed former boyfriends, how bad their kisses were, how totally dry they were, how they're the perfect epitome of Macy Gray's song 'One Minute Man'. We even agreed on one thing: that men are born players and that they should just all go to hell. We are not bitter are we? Hehe.

Anyway, she said she'll introduce me to her friends. And that she hopes that we'll all hang out sometime.

She is just what I need in my life right now. I feel so fine already. :)

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In just these last two weeks, two people I thought I can trust with my whole life hurt me.

I finally said goodbye to him. This time it's final. For I don't think I can continue being friends with him anymore. I just can't. I just don't appreciate being made a fool. In short, nagagalit ako sa mga taong ginagawa akong tanga.

It is painful, this goodbye. Perhaps twice as much painful as when we broke up. I guess it's because when we broke up I knew that we could still be friends. But now I think even friendship is out of the question. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. I don't want anything to do with him.

It is much painful than when we broke up because, even for a short while, I found a really good friend. I can even consider him as one of my best friends. He is that one person I trusted with my whole being, that one person who really saw the real me, that one person who saw behind the mask I hide into.

I guess some people come into your life to hurt you in order to make you strong.

Now I learned my lesson. Don't give out your whole trust into a person, coz that person could only hurt you in the end. See, what happened to me? Two people I really, really trusted hurt me.

You know, isa lang naman ang hinihintay kong sabihin nya e. I just wanted to hear him say he's sorry. But he never said it. And now, even though he will say it, it's too late.

He once asked me if I'll still talk to him if I found out he already has a girlfriend. And I said of course. I'll still talk to him. I'll still be his friend. But guess what? In hiding things from me and making me look like a fool, he lost me.

The chapter of my life with him is now officially closed. This is the last time I'll ever write anything about him. It's over and done.

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I want to die soon.

But then I'm scared of death. And I'm scared of dying without leaving a legacy into this world.

When these dark thoughts of dying envelopes me, iniisip ko, sino nga ba ang iiyak kung mawawala ako dito sa mundo?

And I don't want to take the coward's way out. I would like to believe that I am strong.

And iniisip ko rin, sa dami ng problema dito sa mundo, sigurado meron pang may mas malaking problema keysa sa akin.

So what if you got your heart broken again and again and again? Do you know that in other parts of the world, they deal with bigger problems than that? Iraq deals with war. What can be bigger than that? Ano nga ba naman ang broken heart compared sa war sa Iraq? Or compared sa poverty?

I know my problems are inconsequential compared to the problems of the world. But then, the problems of the world seemed a little surreal for me because I'm not really a part of them. Hindi mismo ako ang nakaka-experience nun. Unlike with my problems now, I alone deal with them. So they may be trivial, but they seem to paralyze my whole being.

A ewan.

Maybe I'm just scared that this broken heart would go on forever and ever and ever. That I'd get used to always feeling this pain in my heart the moment I wake up and before I go to sleep, na maging normal na yun sa akin. I'm scared that I might forget how to love again. I'm scared that one day I'd be too scared to take risks again that I'll just fall into a rut, feeling miserable for the rest of my life. I'm so much scared of that. I read many stories of people who took many years to heal their broken hearts. And once more I become frightened of that possibility. I don't want to carry this pain in my heart over the years, hanggang sa pagtanda ko.

I'm afraid that I might become too jaded that I'll just give up on love. I'm scared that I won't recognize true love once it goes my way because fear blocks my sight.

A basta, I want to die soon. But not until after I leave a legacy into this world. Not until after I fulfilled all my dreams. Not until after I made a name for myself. Not until after I stood up and conquered my fear. Not until after some people live in regret for ever letting me leave their lives.

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People from work kept asking me if I already have a boyfriend. I give them my standard answer, "Nope, and I'm not looking." Then I go on, "Besides, I won't have time for that anymore, between work and school, I can't squeeze in any emotional baggage in between. I need to sleep too, you know."

One guy said he wants to introduce me to his friend.

And since he was so persistent, I told him my standards. (Why, of course!) "Alright," I said, "Is he Filipino? Because sorry but I'm not interested in foreigners."

Apparently he is Filipino. Hmmm...

Next question, "Was he born here? Sorry but eventhough he is Filipino, and he is born here, I'm not interested. I want someone who grew up in the Philippines and still retained the Filipino values instilled in him. I do not like Filipinos born here because they are too Americanized for my taste."

His answer, "Nope he wasn't born here. He's only been here in NJ for six or seven years."

Hmmm... Interesting.

"Wait, is he married???" I have to ask that, don't I?

"He's single. Ano ka, irereto ko ba naman sa yo ang may asawa na?", he replied indignantly.
"How old is he?" I asked.

"He's already 27."

"Yay! Too old for me!" I shrieked.

"Aw c'mon! I'll tell him about you, alright?,"

"Well, okay, " I shrugged. Besides, what is there to lose? I can't have too many friends right? "Oh but wait, I don't want him to think I'm desperate! Kakahiya no!"

"Hindi naman nya isipin yon no! Sya nga dapat mahiya hindi ikaw dba?"

Oh well...

Pumayag na akong makilala yung guy para di na sya mangulit.

But in all honesty, I've loved and lost too many times in the past, that I tend to shy away now from any romantic involvement. Sure, I get a tiny twinge of envy when I see two lovers holding hands, looking so much in-love, but when I think about what I had gone through in the past, I know I'm better off without a man right now.

I'm not saying this would be forever. For like any girl, I, too, would want to get married and have kids someday. But for now, I'm just gonna concentrate on my work and studies.

And about that guy my co-worker wanted me to meet, well, let's just see what happens. Though I'm not setting my hopes up on that.

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I'm so tired already. Of pretending I'm fine when I'm not. I'm so tired of smiling, cracking up a joke or two, giving out the loudest laugh, forcing that stupid little grin on my mouth, when all I want to do is cry.

I'm so tired of hiding behind this mask I put on the moment I wake up. I'm so tired of injecting that jolly note on my voice whenever you call. I'm so tired of pretending to be happy for you when deep inside I'm dying again and again and again.

I've got a lot of regrets in this life. If only I could rewind the past few months for me, I would. I made a lot of mistakes. And one thing I'm sure gonna change, if I could, is the last couple of months that had gone by. I would definitely not had made the choices I did at the start of the new year.

I'm a coward for doing this, but for now I choose to run away. Not forever, coz I know you cannot really run away from problems. But I'll run away for now. And I hope when I choose to face you again, the problems I thought so big now, would become trivial to me by that time.

I'll bury myself in work and books. And no one can penetrate behind the wall I would build for myself. Not you. Not him. Not anyone.

***
Please pray for my Grandma

My grandma is in the ICU right now due to nose bleeding that wouldn't stop. She already lost a lot of blood, and had already undergone blood transfusion.

She is expected to have surgery when the bleeding stops but up to now the bleeding is still continuous.

I really hope she's gonna be okay.

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I just want to share this article emailed to me by a former classmate. It touched me so.

This article was lifted from The Philippine Star written by Alfred Yuson

"Patricia Evangelista, a 19-year-old, Mass Communications sophomore of University of the Philippines (UP)-Diliman, did the country proud Friday night by besting 59 other student contestants from 37 countries in the 2004 International Public Speaking competition conducted by the English Speaking Union (ESU) in London.
She triumphed over a field of exactly 60 speakers from all over the English-speaking world, including the United States, United Kingdom and Australia, reported Maranan.
The board of judges' decision was unanimous, according to contest chairman Brian Hanharan of the British Broadcasting Corp. (BBC).
PATRICIA'S SHORT SPEECH WORTH READING....
BLONDE AND BLUE EYES

When I was little, I wanted what many Filipino children all over the country wanted. I wanted to be blond, blue-eyed, and white.

I thought -- if I just wished hard enough and was good enough, I'd wake up on Christmas morning with snow outside my window and freckles across my nose!

More than four centuries under western domination does that to you. I have sixteen cousins. In a couple of years, there will just be five of us left in the Philippines, the rest will have gone abroad in search of "greener pastures." It's not just an anomaly; it's a trend; the Filipino diaspora.

Today, about eight million Filipinos are scattered around the world.

There are those who disapprove of Filipinos who choose to leave. I used to.

Maybe this is a natural reaction of someone who was left behind, smiling for family pictures that get emptier with each succeeding year. Desertion, I called it. My country is a land that has perpetually fought for the freedom to be itself. Our heroes offered their lives in the struggle against the Spanish, the Japanese, the Americans. To pack up and deny that identity is tantamount to spitting on that sacrifice.

Or is it? I don't think so, not anymore. True, there is no denying this phenomenon, aided by the fact that what was once the other side of the world is now a twelve-hour plane ride way. But this is a borderless world, where no individual can claim to be purely from where he is now. My mother is of Chinese descent, my father is a quarter Spanish, and I call myself a pure Filipino-a hybrid of sorts resulting from a combination of cultures.

Each square mile anywhere in the world is made up of people of different ethnicities, with national identities and individual personalities. Because of this, each square mile is already a microcosm of the world. In as much as this blessed spot that is England is the world, so is my neighbourhood back home.

Seen this way, the Filipino Diaspora, or any sort of dispersal of populations, is not as ominous as so many claim. It must be understood.

I come from a Third World country, one that is still trying mightily to get back on its feet after many years of dictatorship. But we shall make it, given more time. Especially now, when we have thousands of eager young minds who graduate from college every year. They have skills. They need jobs. We cannot absorb them all.

A borderless world presents a bigger opportunity, yet one that is not so much abandonment but an extension of identity. Even as we take, we give back. We are the 40,000 skilled nurses who support the UK's National Health Service.

We are the quarter-of-a-million seafarers manning most of the world's commercial ships. We are your software engineers in Ireland, your construction workers in the Middle East, your doctors and caregivers in North America, and, your musical artists in London's West End.

Nationalism isn't bound by time or place. People from other nations migrate to create new nations, yet still remain essentially who they are. British society is itself an example of a multi-cultural nation, a melting pot of races, religions, arts and cultures. We are, indeed, in a borderless world!

Leaving sometimes isn't a matter of choice. It's coming back that is.

The Hobbits of the shire travelled all over Middle-Earth, but they chose to come home, richer in every sense of the word. We call people like these balikbayans or the 'returnees' -- those who followed their dream, yet choose to return and share their mature talents and good fortune.

In a few years, I may take advantage of whatever opportunities come my way. But I will come home. A borderless world doesn't preclude the idea of a home. I'm a Filipino, and I'll always be one. It isn't about just geography; it isn't about boundaries. It's about giving back to the country that shaped me.

And that's going to be more important to me than seeing snow outside my windows on a bright Christmas morning.

Mabuhay and Thank you."

***

My thoughts exactly.:)

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But please, oh please, let the tears stop from flowing now. I'm so tired already. I never knew the dawning of the year 2004 would only bring me heartache and tears.

I wanna be strong. Really, I know I am strong. But there are times, much like this one, when I can't control the emotions swirling inside me. It's overwhelming already. I don't know how much more I can take.

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I'm so happy! All that studying paid off!!! Yahoo! I got a "B" in Bio! I'm happy because I thought I was going to get a "C' for sure, but then I really studied hard for my finals, and I think I only got two or three mistakes. I think that pulled my grade up. Yehey! :)

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I got a new job at the United States Postal Service. And before anyone makes some crack about me going postal, let me tell you guys, it's not so bad. Really. :)

I actually like it. Aside from the pay being almost thrice as much as my previous job, it's not so tiring, all you do is walk around, walk around, walk around, enteratin yourself from boredom, and wait till it's time to clock out. haha. :) No wonder the prices of the stamps are going high, they pay us for doing almost nothing.

But I ain't complaining. :)

***
My auntie came by the apartment yesterday. She told me she admires my courage.

I told her that I'm strong. I'm more worried about how my parents are taking the news than of me.

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At one point in a person's life, she makes a decision that would alter not only her life, but a lot of people too. She knows that when she finally decides to open her mouth on something that she has been keeping for a long time now, things will change drastically. But she has to do what she has to do. When she's having nightmares everytime she closes her eyes. When she can barely sleep at night. When the burden is too heavy to carry already...

I finally did it. I finally told my parents about the real-life nightmare I had gone through. Early yesterday morning, when I got home from work, I went to my parents' room, woke them up, and as sobs racked my whole body, I told them everything.

My parents hugged me so tight as they tried to comfort me. My mom cried with me. And my dad... I cried harder because I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack.

We talked for more than two hours. Talked and cried until no more tears came out of our eyes.

It was probably the worst nightmare any parent could ever have.

And I'm glad I told them. The burden had been lifted off my shoulders. And the whole family already dealt with the situation.

I just hope it's really over this time.

I still haven't come to terms with what happened. I still can't reconcile to myself that the person I thought I could trust with my life would turn out to be the person I should watch out for.

It would take a long time for me to forgive. It would take a long time for me to heal the wounds. It would take a long time to forget (If I could at all).

But I already took the step to move on with my life. With my family to support me all the way, I know I could do it. And I know that together,in time, we could all heal the wounds...

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I had a bad dream last night.

I dreamt that no one believed me.

I dreamt that I was alone in my struggle.

I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Please Lord, let that be just a dream...

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Sometimes, I have this insane desire to just lock myself inside my room and never go out. Why? Because I know it is the only place where I can be safe. Where no one can touch me, where no one can seep through my consciousness, where I can let down my guard, where I can be me without having to look over my shoulder to see if anyone is watching my every move.

My room is my haven.

No scratch that. Philippines is my haven. And I wanna go back home. Yes, home. Back home where I know I can be safe.

Have you ever experienced being alone, where you know you have no one to run to, and you're scared, and you don't know what to do. Where all you can do is cry, then go to sleep, and hopefully slumber brings you peace, and if not, then you just pray that tomorrow be a better day for you.

I'm not making sense, am I? I know. I'm trying to let out my feelings without blurting out everything that's happened to me this whole ten months I've been here in the States.

It's funny. This is my blog and I have every right to say whatever I wanted to say, whatever I'm feeling, and yet, now I know in this situation I can't do that. I have to protect something or someone.

Or maybe it's just that I'm scared. I'm scared that whatever I might blurt out now can ruin an otherwise happy relationship.

I know that when I open my mouth, put my foot forward, things will change drastically. A lot of people will be affected. And I don't want that to happen. This is what I hate about myself. I hate that I have to endure something bad, in order to keep the peace, or the sanity of others.

I hate what's happening. I hate that because of what happened, and is continually happening, I lost something in myself. I lost that trust I usually have for people I am close to.

You know I just realized something... You know those cases where women were raped and they were scared to come forward and report what happened in fear that no one would believe them? I know how they feel... Sometimes you just can't come forward and say something because, in truth, you are scared that no one would believe you. Maybe not because you're not believable. Maybe it's because I think people have this tendency to deny to themselves that a supposedly 'good' person could do something horrible... I think that people just tend to want to believe that nothing horrible could happen in their world, esp. if they had lived a sheltered life. I think most people would rather believe in the farce, rather than face reality.

Furthermore, you yourself can hardly believe that such a thing could happen to you, what more of others believing it? I hope I'm still making some sense here...

I know one day I will have the guts to come forward and say what I had been keeping for a long time now. Only two people know of this secret. Two people I trust with my life, my brother and Lester. But I know, one day soon, everybody will know about it. And I'm scared of the outcome. I'm very scared.

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After four long days of studying till my brain can't take it anymore, finals is finally over.

And I'm proud to say I did good (I think) despite my procrastinating habits.

I really got serious with this studying stuff. I devoted my entire time for studying and nothing else (well, uh, except for talking to Lester on the phone in between studying).

Anyway, I got two weeks to relax then I'm off to school again. I'm taking another class this summer. I want to finish this nursing school in three years, even if it kills me. (I know I can finish it in two years but I only enroll part time in school coz I have work too).

Next semester will be hard for me I know. I'm going to take my Anatomy and Physiology I class. Scary. People keep telling me that this subject is hard. I just hope I survive without me having to resort to drastic measures (like dropping the class). I just need to change my study habits, that's all. Yay.

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Sue me. Kill me. Nag me. Do whatever you want to do with me to make me come to my senses. I badly needed to wake up to reality.

I'm opening myself up again for future hurts. I just know it.

Grrr Joyce! When will you ever learn?????!