I'm bored.

Take me out of this house or else I'll go crazy.

This tiny space is suffocating me.

The silence outside is so defeaning, so unlike the new year's eve of yesteryears.

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Happy New Year everyone!

***

I made a promise a long time ago that I would never hurt another person again, unintentionally or not, I would not travel that road one more time.

***
It's not a good feeling to see someone cry in front of you because you've hurt him. Even though you say it's for the best, even though you know there is no other way but to say goodbye.

It pierces the heart to know that every drop of tear that falls from his eyes is caused by you. What's more is that you'd be surprised to realize by hurting him, you are hurting yourself too.

You try to forget him. You live your life without him, in the back of your mind, you're wishing he forgets you too and try to live his own life. But then, you call yourself a liar, for if during the day, you smile, you laugh and pretend there are no regrets, during the night, you can't help but dwell on the regrets.

Somehow as the days passed, you thought you had already forgotten him. You fooled yourself into thinking the pain has long been gone, and the tears have already been washed away.

But you heard someone mention his name. You heard he finally found someone to love again. In front of others, you smiled, pretended to be happy for him. At least, you say, he finaly got over what you did to him. He finally moved on. But at the dark corner of your room, you asked yourself how he could have forgotten you so easily? How could he have moved on so fast? But you berate yourself, if you yourself had found someone else so fast, then it is good that he had found someone else too.

And then you try to forget what you've heard. And you tried so hard to be happy for him. You tell yourself you're happy for him. And as the time passed, you even believed it yourself.

Months passed. You thought you had forgotten him already. Afterall, you are now happy with someone else.

But then he heard you were going off somewhere faraway. And after a long time, he came back. He told you he loves you still. And he cannot let you go without you knowing it. Yes, you'd hurt him so bad. So bad that he had played around with girls just to forget you. He searched and searched for a replacement. But he realized no one can replace you.

Then you cry. For you just then realize how strong is his love for you. And you feel ashamed for hurting him. As you look in his eyes, you see the love shining so brightly, and you cry harder. Right there and then, he is offering his heart, his life is in your hands once again. He stripped away his pride just for you. Just so you know how much you mean to him.

But still you cry, because for the second time in your life, you're going to hurt him again. Just like before. And you don't know how you can bear to see that look in his face, as you shatter his world one more time.

And then a lone tear falls from his eye, for even though you don't speak, he got his answer. And then he smiled that sad smile, and hugs you tightly. Then he walks away.

And you were left there standing alone. Amazed at him. And yet sad, for you had hurt him one more time. You tell yourself you really don't deserve a good man like him.

And you become sad. He is so good to you. How come you don't love him?

***
No... I would not travel that road one more time. Once is enough in a lifetime.

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Not so sad anymore

YUp. I'm not so sad anymore. My cousin did send us the copy of Meteor Garden 2. We were wrong. Wihee! Ang saya. I'm gonna watch those vcds on my day off... I can't wait.

Sori, dats all I could write right now. My head is throbbing. And I have a sore throat. Darn. I maybe coming down with the flu or something. Grr. I had my flu shot but I guess it doesn't work with me. This is the second time during this winter time that I got sick. Darn. And winter is just starting.

Anyway, tata for now. I need to sleep. Hope tomorrow I'd be okay.

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Malungkot ako. Corny pero... waah! hindi pinadala ng pinsan ko yung Meteor Garden 2! WEll, nagpadala sya pero 4 episodes lang. Tama ba yun? Kakabitin! I wanna cry!

Syet, i am so pathetic. Bat naman kasi kaka-addict yang MG na yan e! Now I have to wait for a really long time before I can watch the whole series. Hay. Malamang d ko na nun crush si Hua Tze Lei. Hay.

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The Aftereffects of watching too much Meteor Garden

WENT home early from work today. I got real dizzy that I had to sit down. The CNAs said I was really pale. One of the nurses took my blood pressure twice (probably because she couldn't believe what she saw the first time). Turns out I really have low blood pressure (80 over 40). Then they called my dad so he could pick me up. The nurses said that I have to go see a doctor coz having a low blood pressure is pretty dangerous.

This is probably the effect of staying up real late watching Meteor Garden. Hehe. For the past few days, I'd go to sleep way after midnight, then wake up at 5:30 in the morning to go to work.

Can't blame me. Darn. That meteor garden is really addictive to watch. I swear, I've already finished viewing the whole episode but now I'm watching again my favorite scenes. Hehe.

I don't know why I like it so much. When I was in the Philippines, I never really liked it. Those F4, they really aren't that cute! And they're acting sucks big time. They are so stiff, no expressions on their faces when acting. And the story was so simple. (F4 fans are probably cursing me to hell right now. Sorry Ruthie)

But why is it, when Dao Ming Si, Shan Cai and Lei are crying, I cry too? Haha. My friend says I'm corny (right Aaron?) But darn, I'm hooked. I can't wait to watch the Meteor Garden 2. I don't have to wait long. My cousin sent us the vcds of MG2. Kewl.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

Hope all of you had a blast this christmas!

***
Lately, I had always been on the verge of tears.

Maybe it's because of the holidays. Christmas isn't the same here as it was back home. And I miss it. And I miss everyone there. I miss my sisters who probably misses us too twice as much. I miss my friends. I remember every Christmas they go to my house to hang out, and drink.

I just hope this loneliness will pass soon.

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Santa came to my apartment!

Guess who received a big package full of gifts from the Philippines? ME! ME! ME!

Hehe. I'm so happy! Di naman dahil materialistic ako ha, pero dba d ka ba magiging masaya kung pagdating mo sa apartment, there was this big package waiting for you?

Galing sa beybi ko. Sweet dba?

Meron na akong hinuhug sa gabi: I'm gonna name her Beybi.



Then may mga pinadala pa syang mga accessories. Alam kasi ni Wacqs na mahilig ako sa mga semi-precious stones. He also gave me pictures of him and his friends.

And most of all, the best gift of them all. Cha - ran!!!





Hehe. The full episode of the Meteor Garden! Yey! Mapapanood ko na sya! Ang saya!

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Let's call a truce

In this family, the word sorry doesn't come out too easily. My father is a very proud man, and what can I say, I am my father's child, so I took after him.

No sorries were exchanged, but a step was made towards that forgiveness.

I had come out of my hiding. He talks to me now. I talk him too.

But we're walking on egg shells around each other.

I love my father. Honestly I do. And I'm sorry for the hurtful things I hurled at him. But I can't bring myself to say I'm sorry. Damn this stupid pride of mine.

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I want to escape

Sometimes I just want to escape from it all. Hide from my room, go deep into the covers, and let blissful sleep take me, take me until I'm ready to face the world again.

Could one really escape from problems? I wish I could, then instead of hiding here in my room, talking to nobody, wallowing in self-pity, thinking, thinking and thinking till I feel I would probably go insane, I'd probably be out with friends, partying, letting nothing and no one touch me.

I almost did that today. I almost called up my cousin and almost begged her to take me out somewhere, anywhere, where I don't have to face these problems at home. I almost asked someone I barely knew on a date just to get out of this place.

But I didn't. I wanted to, but one thing stopped me, I don't want to do anything I might regret in the future.

Instead I stayed here in my room, hid beneath the covers, and slept, although not so blissfully as I had hoped. Every time I closed my eyes, tears just kept falling beyond my control, and sobs racked my whole body.

As I said, I have the flair for the dramatics, maybe because of watching too much soap opera when I was still in the Philippines. Maybe those series rubbed off on me. Maybe.

Or maybe, this is who I am. I feel too deeply, that's why when I hurt, I hurt with all my heart and mind.

Tomorrow would be another day. It's almost one in the morning here, and still here I am, hiding. I haven't left my room since this morning when my dad and I fought. I couldn't face him yet. I wouldn't know what to say to him anyway.

I wish I could stay in my room forever. Wish I could run away from these things that needed to be faced sooner or later.

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The Calm After a Storm

My dad and I had a big fight earlier. When I mean big, I mean really big, as in resulting to a shouting match, with me crying till I can barely breathe anymore, and him walking out of the apartment, slamming the door, with tears in his eyes.

I don't know who's fault it is anyway. Of course I would blame him, and of course he would blame me for the start of that fight. But now, it doesn't matter who started the fight, or whose fault it is. The fight led to an opening up on both our sides of what we really feel right now, and an opening up of the past hurts I haven't the gall to tell him then.

He told me that he feels that I don't love him, that I don't respect him anymore. I didn't know he felt that way. I didn't know he felt the resentment I feel towards him. I didn't know that he felt that somehow I had hated him, and that I had little respect of him now. I thought I had hidden it from him so well. I thought I had already gotten over my hatred of his philandering ways. I thought wrong. And he felt it still.

And then I told him my reasons. And he got mad still. He told me that after all he sacrificed for us, I still look at that tiny dot in the whole picture. He told me he isn't perfect. He told me why can't I look past that tiny flaw and realized how much he had sacrificed for us.

I started to believe him. I started to berate myself for inflicting this pain on him right now by bringing up something so inconsequential such as his flings. I started to feel pretty stupid about being hurt when I found out about his past affairs. I started to cringe with embarrassment with my flair for the dramatics.

I started questioning myself. Was I wrong to feel that way about him? Was he right. He's not perfect. Why can't I look past his flaws and see how much he had sacrificed for us? Should I say sorry to him?

I know deep inside me that he's right in a few things. Maybe for him I was the ungrateful child, that I kept bringing up his women when he had done so much for us, his family.

But this rebel in me couldn't just accept the fact that I should look past those flings. How could I? I had harbored this resentment inside of me for so long now that I feel I just couldn't turn it off when he didn't even say he's sorry. I guess that's why I hadn't forgiven him yet. It's the fact that he doesn't believe he had done anything wrong to my mom and to his children. He told me those were just flings! He told me that at least he didn't leave his family for those women. Wait, isn't that wrong? I mean, should we be grateful for that? Isn't there something wrong with the way he looked at the whole picture?

Maybe what I ask of him is just to own up to the wrongs he had done, and say sorry. Is that so hard? How could I forgive him when he feels that he hasn't done anything wrong?

Is my perspective of the whole picture wrong? Should I have just ignored his past affairs? Shouldn't I have gotten hurt? Am I the ungrateful child?

I don't know. Many times my friends tell me that at least my dad stayed with us, that he didn't leave us.

Should that make me feel better? Should I be happy about that?

Is it me who is on the wrong here? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I think that everything my dad's done for us is overshadowed by his strings of women.

Am I narrow minded? I really need someone to tell me, to show me a different view of things.

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What Ifs...

Have you ever wondered what you're life would have been today if you had made different choices in the past?

Lately, that's all I've been thinking about.

The 'what ifs' of my life.

Like, what if I hadn't taken up journalism in college? What if I took up nursing, then by now I wouldn't have to go to college again.

What if I hadn't taken up journalism, would I have met my beybi? Coz I met my beybi when I was an apprentice for Manila Times. So if I took up a different course, I wouldn't have worked for a newspaper. I wouldn't have been assigned to the defense beat. I wouldn't have met him.

For a while, these thoughts played on my mind over and over again. But when I stop and think about it, I have to say that I would still have made the choices I'd made back then.

Everything happens for a reason. And my taking up journalism led to different aspects of my life that I wouldn't dare change ever.

If I had taken up nursing back in college, I probably wouldn't have as much fun as I did in college. I probably would be locked up in my room, studying. I probably wouldn't have time to explore. I probably wouldn't enjoy college as much as I did.

If I hadn't studied in Manila, I would probably be a different person as I am today. I learned a lot in Manila. I learned to accept differences of people. I got to see what life is really all about.

I learned. Not from books or the four corners of the classroom. I learned outside of it.

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I love you Louis

Just finished reading "Queen of the Damned" by Anne Rice.

Ang ganda. I'm off to the next book on my queue of the Vampire Chronicles: The Vampire Armand.

Most readers fall in-love with Vampire Lestat. Me? I like him, yes. He's that type of person (?) one could say "Your the damnedest creature Lestat!(as Marius told him)... but I love you anyway." in one breath. He breaks all the rules. He's arrogrant. But other vampires can't help but love him. Secretly I wish I could be like him, I wish I disregard rules, don't have a care for what other people say about me and my actions. But I'm not like that. I am what they call "goody-two shoes", a people-pleaser.

Anyway, as I was saying, most people fall in-love with Lestat. Me, I fell in-love with Louis, the most human of all vampires. Whenever I turn the pages of the book, I wished that I could have an encounter with him again and again. He's just so damn... human.

***
I have the worst case of windburn right now. Grr. It stings. It's the damn weather here... made my face red, itchy and chapped. I slather tons and tons of moisturizer on my face but it doesn't work.

Good thing one of my coworkers suggested I use Vaseline Petroleum jelly because she used to have windburn, and when she used the Vaseline, she said the irritation was gone after two weeks.

And not really believing her, I searched in the internet about how to heal windburns. Yeah, they suggested I use petroleum jelly too. I really hope it will work.

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Boy oh boy, am I so tired today.

Did my Christmas shopping today. Not to mention I also bought my mom's gifts and my brother's too. They say they don't have time to do it. So the task was delegated to me. Try shopping three items for one person. Then shop for 30 people. SO, 30 (people) multiplied by 3 (gifts) is 90. So there, all in all, I shopped for 90 gifts. Feh. That was exhausting.

I can barely stand now from walking all over the whole mall.

***
I miss a friend. Sobrang miss na miss ko na sya. Ganun pala pag nasanay ka na sa presence nya, para bang dumadaan ka sa withdrawal symptoms pag matagal kayong di nagkikita o nag-uusap.

Hay, I miss you so much friend. I miss talking to you about nonsensical things. I miss sharing my dreams with you. I miss hearing your laughter. I miss hearing your voice. I miss laughing with you. I miss you.

Come back, will ya?

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Sweet

"Please tell your daughter I love her very much..."

That's my beybi talking to my dad via the yahoo messenger. Sweet, eh? I'm actually swooning right now.

***
15 days before Christmas

I just love the Christmas Holidays. Not so much because I get a lot of gifts and aguinaldos from my ninongs and ninangs. It's because people seem much nicer to you. People you don't know smile and greet you. And people actually seem so much happier, so much alive during this season.

And every house and every establishment look so alive with all those blinking lights and decorations hanging on their walls. The air seems so much crisper, colder. Everyone and everything seems so much merrier.

Now, the days narrow down to THE day. 15 more days and it's Christmas. I don't know if I should be happy about it or not. It's my first Christmas away from home. It's my first Christmas to my new home. I guess, right now, I just miss celebrating Christmas pinoy style. Nothing compares to the way we celebrate it. With so much vigor, with so much enthusiasm.

Wala lang. Sana masaya pasko dito.

***
Call me a snob or whatever, pero dati ayaw na ayaw kong nanunuod ng mga tagalog movies. When friends invite me to watch one, my first reaction would be "Eew, baduy no!" Totoo naman e, nababaduyan ako sa mga tagalog movies. Kasi naman pag may nakapilit sa akin na manuod (and I only watch pag talagang wala na akong choice), e puro mga walang istorya. I know may mga magaganda namang mga pinoy movies, and yeah, I've watched a few na rin, pero majority e super baduy.

Kaya nga, I surprised even myself when I watched three tagalog movies today. And take note, yung mga romantic comedies pa. Yung bang 'Pangarap Ko'y Ibigin Ka'. 'Walang Kapalit', and geez, nalimutan ko yung title nung isa. Basta kay Regine din sya at Richard Gomez. And syet, kinikilig pa ako nung pinapanuod ko sila. Yay! Anong ginawa ng Amerika sa akin! Although, di talaga ako mapilit na panuorin yung Till there was You ni Juday. Sowee. Di ko yata kaya yun. hehe

I remembered when my sister (who is in London) came home to the Philippines, pinipilit nya kami manuod nung Tanging Ina ni AiAi. Di nya kami mapilit kahit na anong gawin nya. We would never be caught watching in a cinema such movie. Kakahiya no. Baduy.

Pero ngayon, ganito pala, pag nalalayo ka, namimiss mo yung anything na gawang Pinoy. And mananabik ka na manuod ng mga tagalog movies. Mag-iiba ang paningin mo sa kanila. Di na sila magiging baduy. Ikaw na mismo ang maghahanap ng mga dvds na pinoy movies. Ikaw na mismo ang magyayaya na manuod ng mga ganito. And manghihiram ka pa sa mga kakilala mo na may ganun. Hehe. Iba na nga ang nagagawa ng Amerika sa tao.

***
Napapag-iwanan na ba ako ng panahon o sadyang nagmadali lang sila?

Imagine my surprise when I heard from the Journ grapevine that two of my classmates married each other. Yay! I am actually speechless over the news. Well, what can I say? That's their life. I hope they're happy.

---you have to know the whole story about this couple to understand my reaction. but then again, it's not in my place to tell. sowee guys. shock lang ako.---

***
To Change or not to change? Hmm.. Guess not

I want to change my template. I am getting tired of looking at that depressing blue. But knowing me (and my lack of knowledge of html and computer stuff), I might just mess it all up. I guess I'll just stick with this then.

Ei, doesn't that say something about me? Delving deeper into what I said, I guess one could see that I'm afraid of risks. Yeah, well. What can I say? That's me. Although sometimes I deceive myself into thinking that I am a risk-taker.

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It's a Strike!

I'm taking up a new sport...but then come to think of it, I don't even have a sport where I excel. What am I thinking? I hate sports. I'm a wimp. But this one game made me want to learn it to the hilt.



Yup. Bowling. Hehe. Never mind that my arm is still stiff from yesterday's trip to the bowling center. Never mind that most of the time I roll the ball directly to the gutter. Never mind that the highest score I got is 68. Never mind that I'm not that good in bowling (well, duh, obviously). And lastly, never mind that when all of my relatives were cheering for me when it was my turn, as I aimed and stretched out my hand to roll the ball, it suddenly fell out of my hand and went in the reverse direction where I almost hit someone. (And to my utter embarrassment, that moment was caught on tape and my uncle is threatening to send it to America's Funniest Home Video! And did I say everyone was laughing hysterically?).What matters is that this sport is fun. It isn't boring as I previously thought. Heck, even my voice got hoarse from shrieking a lot. I even learned a few crazy dance moves that my uncles do whenever they hit a strike.

And to my utter astonishment, I also hit a strike once. Unbelievable.

***
After our trip to the bowling center, the whole family went to my Auntie Agnes' house where we had dinner of pancit, lumpia and lechon. And my auntie also made this dip for the nachos that was so good it was orgasmic! (Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Hehe. But it was really that good. :)) I ate too much again. As usual.

Afterwards, my brother was urging everyone to have a snowball fight outside. But it was already 8 pm, and it was so cold outside, no one paid attention to him. I, myself, lost interest in snow. Playing with it once was enough for me. I already lost my fascination with it. I realized it wasn't so fun anymore when you're shivering with cold ( as in sagad sa buto) and bigla na lang tutulo ang sipon mo ng hindi mo namamalayan dahil sa lamig. Hehe.

***
Weird

Okay, this is weird.

Why did my heart skipped a beat when he walked in the room and smiled at me? Why did I suddenly felt the heat rising up my neck towards my whole face? That was weird. Real weird. I just hoped he didn't see that blush. Yay! That was embarrassing. He's my friend for goodness sakes!

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Let it snow, Let it snow, let it snow!

Snow came early this morning while everyone was sleeping. And when I woke up, got the nicest view from outside my window. Falling snow. Real snow this time. Everything was so white. The cars were covered with snow. It was like a scene from one of those Hollywood movies where this girl looks outside her window, her gaze transfixed to the falling snow.

At work, I kept looking out the window too. I don't know. I was just so fascinated with snow. It was just so beautiful, as the snow clings to the trees, to the roof.

After work, my uncle picked me, my brother and my cousin up. Kakatawa nga e, kasi super excited kaming tatlo sa snow kasi nga first time namin yun. Nag-request kami sa uncle namin na pumunta muna sa kanila so we could play with snow. Nahihiya kasi kami na maglaro sa harapan ng apartment e. Buti andun yung dalawa kong pinsan. D pa man ako nakakalabas sa kotse, nakaabang na sila, and they started a snow fight.

It was so hilarious. Grabe, super saya. My auntie even recorded the moment with her video camera. After ten minutes or so of playing, and laughing real hard, we decided to go afterall sa apartment para sunduin yung pinsan ko.

We played till we couldn't bear the cold anymore. Here's a picture of us.


Afterwards, shivering with cold but nevertheless happy, we all went inside our apartment where my auntie made some hot chocolate to warm us up.

Man, that was fun. Want to do it again!

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Xmas Shopping

Yikes! I promised I wouldn't buy anything for me when we went to the mall yesterday. Guess what? Ended up buying two items for me, and none for those I have to give a gift to.

Grr. I am so mad at myself. Those two items I bought are so trivial, some things I could do without. But knowing me, the perpetual impulsive buyer that I am, thought I fell in-love with those things when I first saw them and ended up buying them for me.

There goes my Christmas shopping.

***
Ramblings about blogging

I blog to write my thoughts, my dreams, my achievements, my sadness, my loneliness. It's what keeps me going at the end of the day, this pouring out of thoughts and emotions.

While others aim for popularity, while others blog for recognition, I blog for me. I blog not to please others. People don't have to read what I write here. People don't have to agree to what I believe in. People may love me, people may hate me through this blog, I wouldn't care. Nobody forced them to read it anyway. I believe that writing's main purpose is for oneself first before others. Why do people write? Because it's a passion. It's the same with blogging then.

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My First Taste of Snow

Wipee! It was so cool. Although it was just flurries, and it didn't even last for a couple of minutes, I felt the excitement of my first sight of real snow.

I was standing outside our apartment, with my arms wide open, giggling like a child, turning round and round, letting the snow touch my face, my hair, my jacket. Anyone who saw me were probably amused by my actions. But hey, it's my first time. Who could blame me? Hehe.

I remember now what Aaron once told me. He told me that there is a difference between sex and snow. With sex, the first time hurts (at least for girls), the second time is okay, but the third time and those that follow would make you want to come back for more.

While with snow, the first time would be so fun you'd thought you want more, the second time would still be fun, while those that follow afterwards would be hateful. Nice analogy huh.

***
I need to do my Christmas shopping. Tomorrow. I'm going to the mall again tomorrow. And this time I promise myself I wouldn't buy anything for me. I swear. Gotta think of people I hafta buy presents.

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WE ARE DOOMED

I thought I heard it wrong from a friend. I never took it seriously till I saw for myself when I turned on the Filipino Channel. FPJ IS REALLY GONNA RUN FOR THE 2004 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS!

I never thought it could be possible. I thought he was much smarter than that. I thought these actors learned from Erap's fate. I thought wrong.

Darn, what is he thinking? This isn't the movies. He is not the hero in an action scene where he defends the poor and the downtrodden from the villains of society. This is real life. This a real country with real issues and problems.

What could FPJ, "King of Action Movies", with zilch experience on politics, and a close buddy of Erap, do to our country? Probably free Erap from prison, huh?

FPJ got a lot of nerve vying for the highest position in the land, when he hadn't even held any public office before. What does he know about being in the government?

I haven't had the chance to watch the news from Philippines lately, but knowing the Filipino people, FPJ is probably the most popular presidential candidate... ergo, the Filipinos are probably looking at their next President.

I can only shake my head, give a deep sigh, and pray real hard for my country's fate.

***
Queen of the Malls

Malls love me. They love me so much that they beckon for me to come to them and walk their floors. And I don't have the heart to resist their calling.

No matter how many times I've promised myself that I wouldn't buy anything on the account that I'm broke, I still end up buying something. No two somethings. Okay, make that three somethings. Or four. (u get the picture)

Yesterday, my cousins picked me up after work and we went to Franklin Mills Mall in Philly. Man, that was a big mall. Shopping is really enjoyable there coz they probably got all the stores one could ever think of. (But then again, I wouldn't know coz I'm new here). We shopped for more than three hours. And even that was not enough but we had to go home at around 7pm coz my uncle has to go to work ( and the mall closes on 7, so we really didn't have the choice).

With aching feet, dented wallets, but with big smiles on our faces, we dragged our asses back home.

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