Bowling fever

I've always loved bowling. I'm never good at it, and most often than not, my ball rolls down the gutter, but I love love love it. I shout, I shriek, I scream, I do my crazy dance moves and I don't care if people are already looking at me.

Jason and I went to a bowling alley earlier. And boy did I have fun. I beat him once. Although he said that that was the first and the last time I will beat him because he hasn't played bowling for a while and he's a little bit rusty.

He was right. After that first game, well, let's just say I couldn't catch up anymore. He is good. Really good.

***
Darn. I just realized it. I write better when I'm sad and lonely and depressed. Dang it.

Right now, that I'm crazily in love with this crazy man:



I'm having a hard time expressing myself. Yay. What has love done to me?

***
I'm scared. Scared that things are happening so fast. I was supposed to meet his grandparents today. But I chickened out. I felt that it's too soon. And I'm not yet ready. Just like I haven't told my family about him yet. Gusto ko muna palipasin ang one month. I feel that if we get through the first month, then I'm not cursed after all to have one-month relationships. Kainis naman. Kasalanan lahat to ni ex. Because of what happened between him and me, I have this fear for the first month of a relationship. Do I make sense? Is that irrational?

***
Fall classes start tomorrow. Hayyy. Tinatamad na ako mag-aral. Things are gonna be really hectic for me. How can I juggle boyfriend, school and work at the same time? Hah. If others could do it, I figured I can too, ryt?

yay. Haggard ako for the next five months nyan.

***
A co-worker died early this morning from a motorcycle accident. He wasn't wearing a helmet when he fell down from his bike and hit his head on the pavement. It was just a freak accident. If only he wore his helmet.

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Will this last?

Being the jaded person that I am, I cannot help but wonder how long this will last. It feels so good that sometimes I wonder if it really is happening to me, if it is real, if it's not just a dream.I feel that God has given me another chance at love, and I'm scared that I might screw up again. I'm scared to wake up one day, become the unbeliever one more time, and then in the end I'd end up being all alone.

For months I tried to ignore him, to resist the attraction I had felt, to deny being drawn to him. For months I tried to tell myself that I am not yet ready, that my heart is still broken, that I am sick and tired of trying and failing in the end, that I already lost my faith in love, in men, in me, and in relationships. For months I tried to hide behind the wall I built around myself. I kept people at arms length. I smiled and flirted but everything was just for show.

But he was so persistent. I ignored him, but still he kept trying to get to know me. I shooed him away like an annoying bee, but he kept buzzing in my ear. He was so persistent that he was able to break down the walls I had built. He was so persistent that the walls crumbled into dust at my feet. He was so persistent that slowly the fake smile turned genuine, that the laughter wasn't for show anymore. He was so persistent that slowly, slowly I become the believer one more time. He was so persistent that he made me believe in love again.

One time we went to this romantic place by the lake, and with his arms around me, his breath fanning my neck, I felt this overwhelming feeling for him. Is this love, I wondered. I sang this song so perfect to the way I feel about him. It is cheesy, I know but the lines of the song said it all...


How did you know I needed someone like you in my life
That there's an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life
I'll never forget how you brought the sun to shine in my life
Took all the worries and fears that I have
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much I love you...

I hope and pray this would last... somehow I would make it last.

***
One year na pala akong nagba-blog. Naks! D ko napansin... Happy anniversary pragmatic dreamer! Grabe, one year pa lang pala nakalipas pero ang dami na nangyari sa akin. Scary!

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An almost collision

I almost hit a family of deer last night!

It was so dark that I didn't notice those deer were standing in the middle of the road. When I saw them I shouted an obscenity and hit my brakes very hard that its a wonder my airbags didn't deploy.

Jason found it funny though. He was sitting in my passenger seat when that happened. He didn't see the deer either. But he said that it was the first time he heard me curse like that.

This happened to me twice already. The first time it happened I was driving real slow and I had to flash my headlights three times before the deer ran away. The second time, earlier, I was driving around 55 miles/hour. Just imagine the collision if my brakes failed on me. Whew. Don't wanna even think about it.

The deer were cute though. :)

***
I am so bad.

Jason cooked macaroni and cheese for me for my dinner.

He's so sweet, that guy.

But I'm bad. The mac and cheese was so dry, it was like it was all macaroni and no cheese.

I swear I tried to eat it, since he made it esp. for me. But heck, it was really, really bad.

So since he wasn't around when I took my break, I dumped everything in a plastic bag and threw it away. I felt so guilty afterwards. So very, very gulity.

He thought I loved it. Yay, yay, yay.

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Exploring Philly

Jason took me to South Street in Philly today.

The place reminds me so much of Manila.

After living in the suburbs for more than a year now, that place was a refreshing change to me. It is crowded with people, crazy taxi drivers everywhere, shops left and right, diners, bars and all that city stuff that I kinda' miss.

I had fun. We went to every shop that we passed by. And one more time, he amazed me because he was so patient, he never complained even though I spend too much time browsing girly stuff such as accessories and shoes.

He took me to this diner (I forgot the name) where the employees were all dressed in 50's style and there are jukebox on every table and you can choose to play any oldies music that you want. It was an interesting place.

I learned one more thing about him today. He's acquainted with very, very interesting people. He introduced me to this guy that if I had seen him when I'm alone I would be so scared. He's got piercing all over his body. All over I tell you. I tried to hide my surprise when Jase introduced me to him. But afterwards I whispered to Jase that the guy must really be hurting. He's got piercing on his eyebrows, nose, ears, tongue (and who knows where else) and what's more he's got tattoos all over his body too. Although, Jason said that he's a nice guy. I guess you can't really judge a book by its cover huh?

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How can I not fall?

You look at me directly in the eye and say you love me...

You stare at me, and even though I'm wearing my crappiest outfit, no make-up on, hair sticking out all over, and dark circles under the eyes because of lack of sleep, you say I'm beautiful...

You cooked spaghetti for me when I mentioned that I'm craving that stuff...

You pack me dinner everytime I go to work...

You bought one bag of white rice and cooked it for me when I came to your house because you know I eat rice all the time...

You introduced me to your mom and sister, and told them how much I mean to you...

You always buy me salad from Wendy's and you know what kind of dressing I want...

You listen to the music I like (which is mostly rap or sentimental love songs) and never complain about it (you listen to heavy rock)...

You're not afraid to show your affection in front of all our co-workers...

You never fail to call me the moment you wake up and before you go to sleep...

You're not a morning person and you were up till 5 am but you dragged yourself out of bed at 10 am just to spend the whole morning and afternoon with me...

Your house is almost an hour's drive to my apartment, but you gladly take that drive just to see me...

You hold my hand and never lets go even though they're all sweaty and cold...

You got all excited one day when you got a hold of a map and located Philippines and was amazed that Philippines is an island...

You wanted so much to learn of my culture, and even though when you were practicing saying mano po was kinda' funny (you pronounce it meynow pow) you still wanted to get it right because you wanted my parents to like you...

You were willing to eat balut for me...

You are willing to try out different Filipino cuisines...

You always, always walk me to the parking lot when I'm done with work...

You put on the bandage in my hand when I had a cut...

You hold my hand while you're driving...

You respect me...

You never fail to make me laugh...

The list goes on and on.

So tell me, how can I not fall??

****
Letting go

You know you're over the ex when he calls up one day and your heart doesn't jump for joy anymore, and you don't care that he called, and you just simply don't feel anything at all...

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

And that's what I feel now. I'm indifferent to him. Hah.

****
Dawan

Every night I pray to the Lord that I hope he's the one.

Sya na nga kaya????

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embarrasing indeed

I went to the library earlier to take the test that I missed in my Psychology class, when I was attacked by my laziness to study.

I was so sick (as in literally, headache, runny nose, uncontrollable cough) that I couldn't concentrate on the test. I was just thinking that I need to finish the test right away so I could go home and sleep and be miserable in my bed.

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I feel like I just plunged in to very deep water and I'm drowning and I don't know how to swim back to the surface.

Damn. I'm very confused right now.

And I realized something that scares me very very much. I have the power to hurt him. He really likes me that much, and I don't know if I could ever give him the love he deserves.

He is a very very good man. And I'm a girl who just doesn't believe anymore.

And this power I have over him scares me, scares me so much because hurting him would be the last thing I want to do, but knowing me and my past, I eventually hurt the people who loves me, unintentionally or not.

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Some people are just born lucky

There are those chosen few who only gets to kiss one frog, and this frog turns out to be their prince. But for some people like me, it is unfortunate that we have to kiss quite a few frogs before we can finally find the right prince.

My bestfriend Ivy is one of those chosen few. She met her boyfriend of, er was it four years already?, and the love they have for each other is still as strong as the first year of their life together, despite the distance that separates them today. Erald is her first (and she hopes her last) boyfriend.

Sometimes I wonder what keeps their love burning? I don't seem to get it because I seem to ran out of love so fast. I just seem to fall out of love so easily. And then, the one person I really felt love, and where I was willing to hold on and tough it out, turned out to be just a frog... just a frog.

Sometimes I wonder if love is really meant for me. Or if I'm really destined to keep on kissing frogs, and in the end I'd find out that all the prince are taken and no one's left for me.

And now, he came along. Actually, he was there all along, but I was just too consumed by my pain to notice his glances, his sweet smile and his presence. I ignored him for a couple of months, telling myself that I'm not yet ready, that I don't believe in love anymore, that may all guys go to hell. But when my pain has subsided, when my fear vanished, when the wounds had healed, a door opened and I got to know him.

And I wanted to know more of him. I anticipate seeing him when I go to work. I anticipate him waiting for me at the parking lot so we could walk together to the building. I anticipate talking to him during our breaks. I anticipate him waiting for me by the time clock. I anticipate him walking me to my car. I anticipate talking to him before I drive home. And I anticipate his sweet hugs goodbye.

I might not be able to give him the love I had given to the one before him, but I am ready to tread that line one more time.

I may not be lucky in love as some people are. I may end up kissing a thousand frogs before I find my prince. But heck, life is one big risk. I'm ready to take on the challenge one more time.

***
I hesitated getting to know him. I thought that our culture is much too different. But our long talks into the night showed me that we have a lot more in common than I thought.

***
He gave me a cd of Usher, Maroon 5 and Spiderman 2 soundtrack. Ngayon yun na lang lagi kong pinapakinggan sa kotse.

***
I told my brother about him. Sabi nya pakilala ko muna daw sya sa kanya. Nyehehe. As if I need his (or anyone else's) permission to date!

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Is this a bad idea?

I have second thoughts about going out with skaterboy.

It's because we both work at the same place and people are bound to talk. And I don't like that.

And he gets in trouble just by talking to me. Just like tonight, he got into a fight with this guy. Geez, I felt like I was the reason why those two were fighting. And it's not a good feeling I tell you. Contrary to popular belief, it's not flattering to be the reason for a fight. It's scary and very uncomfortable.

But I kinda' like skaterboy. I like talking to him. He's so cute and funny. My co-worker even said he's adorable.

But then I don't like gossip. And I hate it when people say things behind my back. So what am I gonna do? Should I go out with someone from work, or is that a bad idea? I mean, what if things don't work out between us, then it would really be very uncomfortable working at the same place, and seeing each other almost everyday.

Argh. I'm having second thoughts now.

But he really proved that he really likes me.

Remember I wrote here that Lily planned to bring some baluts yesterday and make Jason eat one, coz I said that I'd only go out with him if he eats one?

Well, Lily didn't get a chance to go to China Town yesterday, so instead she boiled some eggs and dyed them pink, and then we pretended that those eggs were really balut and we'll see if he would really eat one.

Even before our break time, I already told him that Lily is bringing some baluts. And he broke off into a sweat.
Jason:"Oh men. Are you really gonna make me eat one?"
me: yup. why? are you scared jason?
jason: Is this really the only way I could go out with you?
me: Hmmm... well, if you don't wanna do it, it's okay.
jason: no, it's just that...what does it taste like? I mean, would I choke on the bones of that baby chick? Does it smell awful?
Me:(laughing so hard, eyes twinkling) No, silly, you won't choke. It's not like it has big bones like a chicken. You can even swallow it whole. And then once it gets into your mouth, you'd feel the hairs of the baby chick in your tongue...

I swear I saw him cringe at that.

me: So, are you chickening out on me?
Jason: No! I'll do it.
me: okay. be glad that I told you about it now, two hours before our break time, so you know, you can psyche yourself or something. (It was so hard to keep a straight face at this point.)
Jason: I'll eat one. I'll see you later.

Ten o' clock pm. Breaktime. Lily and I were laughing so hard, and we let in some of our co-workers at the joke we're gonna play on Jason. (Aren't we mean? hehe) Jason walks in at the break room carrying a bottle of mineral water. That cracked us up some more. He sat beside me, and said, "Okay I'm ready."

Lily brought two boiled eggs dyed pink. She took them out of her bag and gave one to Jason.

Jason: Oh, they're even dyed pink? it's like an easter egg.
me: no silly, that's really the color of balut.
jason: yeah ryt. (he took a deep breath.) oh my god, I feel like I'm in fear factor.
Lily: Jason, I'm also gonna eat one to show you that it's really safe to eat balut.

They both peeled the egg at the same time. At this point I was laughing so hard at the expression on his face. He closed his eyes and was about to swallow whole the egg, when I stopped him.

me: Jase, we're messing with you. that's not balut, that's just hard boiled egg!

The expression on his face was unbelievable. It was a split between relief and disbelief that he'd just been played all along. But he was also a good sport, because after that he laughed with us.

me: You really didn't think I'd make you eat one, didya?
jason: I really thought it was real. And I was really gonna eat it too.
me: no, you weren't. if you see a real one, I bet you'd get nauseous.

But that just proves that he really wants to go out with me. Ain't that sweet?

Now back to the point of this blog entry. Is it a bad idea to go out with a co-worker? Help! I'm really torn right now.

Oh, and yeah, I forgot. After we did that little 'game' with him, and after we all laughed at him, and after he laughed at himself for being gullible enough to believe that we would really bring balut and make him eat one, he gave me a really big hug and said I'm cute. hehe. It felt real nice to be hugged by him. hayy...

***
pero sa totoo lang, I'm scared at what I'm feeling right now. I hope and pray this is not rebound for me. I don't wanna hurt anyone again.

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Yesterday is a productive day for a day-off

I usually spend my saturdays sleeping the whole day and waking up when the sun has already set. Thus, my day off is ruined.

But yesterday, wonder of wonders, I actually woke up around 1:30 in the afternoon, called Mags and made plans to finally watch I, Robot. The movie turned out to be good. It was awesome actually. And Will Smith is such a hottie!

Before driving to the movie theater, we went to Checker's first to buy some food. I introduced Checker's to Mags and now she's so addicted to that fast food resto. Can't blame her, their fries are quite awesome.

We made the mistake of going to this movie theater near our place because the moment we stepped into the room, an awful smell greeted us! It really stinks in there! And their floors are so sticky, it's eeky! (Wow that rhymed!) Now, we made a vow never to return to that place.

After the movie, Mags and I went to this awesome park with a view of the lake. It was really so beautiful there. So peaceful and romantic. I wish that I had brought my camera with me. I would have wanted to take a snapshot of that wonderful place. It's the stuff my romantic dreams are made of.

After that, we fetched Ella at her apartment, and we went bowling. I really love that game. So much better than billiards. Maybe because at least in bowling I can actually score, unlike in billiards, I couldn't put one dang ball in the hole (hehe, sorry, no billiard terms for me here).

So there goes my day off in a nutshell. AT least I did something eh? Rather than spend the whole day in bed. :)

***
Masama ba ako?

Broke off a date with this Filipino guy I met a week ago. We were supposed to watch a movie yesterday, but I cancelled it saying that I forgot it was my grandpa's birthday and I can't go out with him coz we have a party at home. Lame excuse but he bought it.

Then he proceeded to text me, "Okay how about on Monday?"

I didn't reply.

He called me a lot of times after that but I didn't answer my phone. He sent me text messages that I ignored. Finally he got the message and stopped calling.

So, anyway, masama ba ako? Ella said that I should at least give the guy a chance, saying that maybe we could at least be friends or something.

Pero ewan ko ba. D ko mapilit ang sarili ko.

***
Is this being mahangin or did I just learn my lesson?

Been chatting with Aaron earlier through the YM.

We talked about his life there in California and my life in Jersey.

Eventually, the conversation led to my love life....


blueblink1382 (4:02:30 AM): anyway, about yung sa boylet ko before ka umalis
blueblink1382 (4:02:33 AM): patay na yun
blueblink1382 (4:02:35 AM): hehehe
jayar_31 (4:02:38 AM): huh
blueblink1382 (4:02:41 AM): may bago na naman ako boylet
blueblink1382 (4:02:43 AM): hahahaha
jayar_31 (4:02:49 AM): ok
blueblink1382 (4:02:50 AM): collect and collect then select
blueblink1382 (4:02:51 AM): ryt?
jayar_31 (4:02:56 AM): sabi mo e
jayar_31 (4:03:07 AM): hindi ba kaya ikaw yung na cocollect?
jayar_31 (4:03:12 AM): ahahhahahaha
jayar_31 (4:03:39 AM): sinu na naman nabulag mo ha
blueblink1382 (4:03:44 AM): hahaha
blueblink1382 (4:03:53 AM): i play the game aaron
blueblink1382 (4:03:58 AM): i control the game
blueblink1382 (4:04:04 AM): d ako yung kinokontrol
blueblink1382 (4:04:09 AM): nwey, kano naman ngayon
blueblink1382 (4:04:11 AM): hehehe
jayar_31 (4:04:16 AM): ok
jayar_31 (4:04:21 AM): ur the woman
jayar_31 (4:04:28 AM): feeling ka ata ngayon ah
blueblink1382 (4:04:32 AM): hahahha
jayar_31 (4:04:39 AM): are you joyce?

His last question actually threw me off guard. Are you joyce? What does he mean by that? Was I being arrogant when I told him of my thoughts on my love life? Or did I just learn my lesson the last time and now, I had become this girl who actually thinks that love is just a game, a game in which I control the players?

Are you Joyce?

Did his question mean that somehow I had changed in to this girl he barely knows? Nagbago na ba talaga ako? Me, as a person and my own perspective of love and life? Somehow ba, through our converstion, did he glimpse the change in me?

Maybe I had changed. A change brought on by pain of my past experiences with men (or at least by one man in particular). But isn't that good though? I am not the naive girl I once was. I would like to believe that I had become a stronger person already.

That's not bad right?

Then why did his question made me sad? It was as if me changing is a bad thing?

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I haven't seen him for a week, and now I miss him! hayyy...

I'm going to refer to him here as Skater boy because he told me used to skateboard, ergo the nickname skaterboy. His real name is Jason. He's 4 years older than me. He's an American.

I used to say that I would never go out with an American, but now I changed my mind. Again.

He's nice. He's funny. And he makes me blush! Hehe. Ewan ko ba, one time I was talking to him and he made a compliment about me, and I just felt the blush forming from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. Totally embarrassing, and at that time, I kept thinking, Oh no! I hope he doesn't notice that I'm blushing!

Actually. my friend Lily and I are going to mess with him this Sunday. Lily said she's going to buy some balut in China Town and make skaterboy eat one.

Disgusting, I know. I'm really not gonna make him eat one, but I just wanted to see if he will really eat one just to make me go out with him.

Ang sama namin no? Wag sana sya magsuka sa break room. hehe

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Never say never

"I'm afraid I'm starting to feel
What I said I wouldn't do
The last time really hurt me
I'm scared to fall in-love
Afraid to love so fast
Coz everytime I fall in-love
It seems to never last..."

I know I emphasized here over and over again how I'm not yet ready to enter into another relationship, how I don't wanna fall in-love again, how jaded I am right now and how I don't want to date anyone yet.

Kaso nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin e.

I guess this really shows I've moved on already, and now I am ready to take the challenge of love one more time. I guess Laura Esquivel was right when she wrote "And when does love cease? When one begins to love anew."

No, I'm not in-love again. But there's a new man in the picture. A man I catch a glimpse of my future with.

Maybe it was just crush, or infatuation, or lust, or god forbid, rebound (hope not), but I can't stop thinking about him and lately, I find myself smiling and singing love songs once again.

Problem is, I'm still scared of where all this could lead. That's why when he gave me his number and told me to call him, I still have second thoughts of dialling his number. I stared at the phone for an hour, contemplating if it's a good idea to call him. I so badly wanted to talk to him, but something's stopping me from calling.

Should I call him or not? Should I give whatever is starting for us a chance or not? Hayyy.

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