Wohoo!

Finally! Uploaded pictures here! Yey! Finally figured it out after long long months of frustration! Hehe

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How I had hated my father and gotten over it

I had always been "daddy's girl".

When I was just a young girl, up to a time in college, I was always the 'favored one'. Whatever Joyce wants, Joyce gets. I never did know why I was the favorite child. Maybe because I look so much like my dad. Or that I had also inherited most of his traits.

My childhood holds such sweet memories, esp. of those times when I was with my father. I remember when I was a little girl, he used to carry me up in his shoulders, then twirl me 'round and 'round till I get dizzy.

I also remember how I used to dance a lot with him. I remember most of the time when I turned on the radio to some dance music, I would start to dance enthusiastically, then my father would join me, and we'd dance all over the house. He'd imitate some of my crazy moves, then I'd also imitate his dance moves while my sisters were watching us and laughing histerically at our antics.

I remeber he was so proud whenever I brought home from school some medals I won at some quiz bees. He would tell all of his friends how smart I am. He also used to be the one to pin my medal come recognition day in school. He was so proud of me. And I used to do everything in my power so he'll always take pride in me.

There was once a time in my life that I'd beam when people say, "You're so much like your dad."

I am so much like my Dad? That was a compliment for me then. My father was a very headstrong man. He fights for what he believes in. He never backs down from a fight, esp. if he knows he is right. That's the reason why people respect him so much, although he had also gained a few enemies.

I had always looked upon him as the ideal guy. My dad was the yardstick for all the boys I had liked and loved. They just have to be like my dad, or they're out of the picture. He had always been, for me, the epitome of a perfect man. He was a loving husband, responsible father, reliable friend and a great mentor. At an early age in my life, I had known that he would be the best example of the kind of man I would wish to marry someday.

What has my dad done to deserve such high regard? He was such a great father. Though I only see him on weekends, coz he used to work at a place far from home, he always makes sure that come weekend, he'd devote his full time on us.

Then I can see how much he loves my mama. When I see them together, I smile because I'm glad that they give us the best example of what love really means. Because of him, I had always strongly believed that true love indeed exists.

Up to a certain time in my life, my dad had always been my hero.

I was naive. I thought wrong. My belief in him was misplaced.

He doesn't deserve to be my hero.

For he is just like any other guy in the planet.

One day, I finally found out the truth. With the truth comes the shattering of what I had always taken pride of, and believed in.With the truth comes that realization that men could never really be perfect. There has got to be some flaws hidden in there somewhere. You're lucky if you can hide them forever. My dad was unlucky.

He was never a perfect man. I should've known that right from the start. But I had idolized him. Maybe in my eyes, and in my childhood memories, I had made him into something he is not.

One day, I found out he has a mistress. What's worse was that he used to have mistresses a mile long. And the worst part is, I knew of his mistresses. He had introuduced them to us before. We even call these women our "Aunties".

My world shattered when I found out the truth. I told my sisters about it. Surprisingly for me, they took the news quite well. My eldest sister even said, "Oh? Again?" Whoa. What did she mean by that? I found out later on that my sisters knew of my father's past affairs but never told me about it. Why? Because they want to hide the truth from me. They don't want to disillusion me about my dad.

I took the news very hard. Much so than my whole family, because I had always put my father into a pedestal.

I never did confront my dad about it. But I know that he knows that i found out about his past affairs with other women. But I never gave him the chance to explain. There were times when I know he wanted so much to talk to me. But I didn't want to talk to him. What was the point? What was there to talk about?

For months, my relationship with my dad became colder. I never talk to him unless necessary. And I guess up till now, I would never be that same girl who used to idolize my dad. That girl was gone.

For months I had wanted to shout to him, "I love you dad, but I hate you as a man. You made me lose my faith in men. You made me lose my faith in love and the word forever. I had placed you into a pedestal, the yardstick of all the men who had come into my life. But you just have to be that guy who I thought you were not. I hate you. I hate what you where doing to my mom."

But I never did say those things.

For months this hatred had grown inside of me.

I was greatly disillusioned about men, about life, love, relationships...And somehow I had become a cynic when it comes to love.

But somehow, through the passage of time, I had learn to accept it. I had learn to accept that nothing in this world is perfect, not even love.

I had learn to accept my dad's mistakes.

I came from being an idealist to being a realist.

I had come to accept reality. That this is life, and what happened to us happens all the time.

I don't know if I had forgiven him yet though...

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Gosh. the quiz was right about me! used to be a tomboy. haha


Tomboy


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Sad

I am so sad today.

So sad that I feel like locking myself in my room and bawling for hours on end.

So sad that I want to talk to a friend right now to vent out my feelings.

So sad that I just have to do the only thing that could make me feel a little better - write about it.

So sad that my chest hurts so bad.

I guess you'd be sad too when you find out that who you consider as your friend doesn't consider you as a friend. After all you've done for him, after you had bared out all that you feel, after he learned all your secrets... for him you're just someone he knows.

It feels like betrayal. But then, when you stop to think about it, you've only known this person for a few months. What do you really know about him?

It's my fault anyway. I trust too much, too easily. I'm too sweet for my own good.

Maybe, someday, after a lot of betrayals similar to this one, I'd learn. Maybe. But for now, let me just go on berating myself for my naivete.

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Yay! Party again!

I have never eaten so much in my whole life as I did today.

We went to my cousin's party tonight, and boy oh boy, there's just so many food to select from. For a moment, I couldn't decide what to eat, so I just took a little bit of everything, from the baked macaroni, spaghetti, tacos, chicken mami, lumpia, asado, menudo, oriental chicken, fish (don't know the name), fruit salad, and kalamay.

I didn't only come back for seconds, but for thirds and fourths too! Man, I was a pig! Couldn't resist. Those food just kept on beckoning and beckoning, and I was so weak I just had to answer. Hehe :)

By the time I was done eating (long after all my cousins had finished eating), I ouldn't get up from my seat. I was so full!

But that was one heavenly experience. Stopped to think about my diet for one whole night, and just indulged myself.

***

(Meant to write about this yesterday, but I was sidetracked so I'm posting it now)

My brother was in high heavens last night. We went to do some overtime at work, and there he met a hot chic. I mean, really, even I must admit that girl was really beautiful.

I had never ever seen my brother so tongue-tied before as he was last night. I swear, he was so torpe. I mean, it's so unlike him. He used to be so smooth with girls before! But last night, he was just so so shy!

But shy as my brother might have been last night, I guess he still hadn't lost his touch. He got the girl's phone number. Kewl. Now he wants to work overtime all the time. haha!

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Of First Loves

O tender yearning, sweet hoping!
The golden time of first love!
The eye sees the open heaven,
The heart is intoxicated with bliss,
O that the beautiful time of young love
Could remain green forever.
~Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller

What's with first loves that they're never really forgotten, no matter the age, no matter how long the time has flown by?

Today, during our 30-minute lunch break, I heard my coworkers talk about their first loves. Get this, these coworkers are more than 50 years old and happily married with grown kids.

But when they talked about that guy they first fell in love with, I saw that sparkle in their eyes, that sparkle not often seen with older people who have seen the realities of life. I heard in their voices the exhiliration, the thrill of remembering him. And for a split second as they recount the past, I saw youthful faces aglow with happiness.

For a moment, this amused me. (Naisip ko tuloy, grabe, katanda na e kinikilig pa!) But then, as they each told their story, every one of them vying for my attention to listen to them share their love stories, it made me wonder, would I have that same glow, that same sparkle in my eyes, that same thrill when I think of my own first love, come the age of 50?

Hay. I probably would. Coz actually, till now, I still think of my first love. Not that I still love him or anything. I had accepted a long time ago that we could never be anything but friends. But I still smile when I think of him. And I must admit, I remembered the last time I saw him was on my last day in the Philippines, I still felt that chemistry between us. It doesn't matter that it was just probably a product of my delusions, but I still felt my heart jumped at the sight of him. :)

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I thought I was a blog addict... well, almost according to this:

43.75 %

My weblog owns 43.75 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

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Faster Connections

Finally, no more dial-ups for me! My friends wouldn't complain now that the phone is always busy when they try to call me up... Coz we just had our cable internet connections installed. As King would say, "Kewl!"

***
Practiced a little bit on my driving today. Twas so funny actually. My uncle let me drive from our apartment to my work. I thought it would be so easy, since I already knew a little basic driving. But man, once I was out the road I totally panicked! I saw all those fast cars zooming past me, and I just totally panicked! I was laughing so hard at my state of panic that my uncle just took over the driving. Said I'm a road hazard.

Geez, I only have two months to learn to drive to pass my actual driving test in January, so I could finally get my driver's license, and then, wahoo, the road to freedom awaits me! Ooh, dream on Joyce! You don't even have a car! But hey, it's the idea. hehe

***
As I was driving earlier, I couldn't help but sigh at how beauitful the sight is in front of me. Ahh, the different colors of Fall. Yay! My first season of Fall! So beautiful, so breathtaking.

***
I watched Scooby Doo the movie earlier at HBO. Not because I'm a scooby fan. Not because I love Freddie Prinze Jr. But because the first time I watched that movie was with my baby, Dengas, Jeff and Che. And that movie reminded me of how much fun we used to have way back then.

Gosh, I miss those guys!

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O Ye of Little Faith

I was wrong.

That wall I said I had erected surrounding my heart crumbled at the mere sound of his voice calling my name. The dust settled when I heard the sound of his tears. Together we had a good cry.

Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions. He loves me. He really does. And this is said not just to convince myself that he does love me. Rather I am stating a fact.

If my friends were here right now at this moment, they would have knocked me on the head to "wake me up to reality". But they don't really know. They don't really understand. I know. I understand.

Now more than ever.

The line "It's not you, it's me" very much applies to our situation. It really is me. Something is wrong with me. Why can't I just trust the love he has to offer me? Why do I keep finding something wrong when everything is perfect? Why can't I just believe that it is love? It really is love.

"Joyce, I know I hurt you in the past. And you know I am deeply sorry I did what I did. But that is over. She is a part of the past now. Why don't you believe that it's you I love now not her? You are the present and the future. Please believe me..."

I want to believe him. And at times when I am starting to believe and hope, the past just keeps rearing its ugly head in my mind, and then I begin to doubt again.

Some thing must be wrong with me. No, no. Some thing is definitely wrong with me.

"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, alam mo ba yun?," he said in between heart-wrenching sobs.

"I love you too..."

"No, don't say you love me when you have doubts..."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So sorry.

This distance between us doesn't help matters. It only furthers the doubts in my mind.

"Have a little faith in me, please. This won't work if you won't get yourself to trust me. Forget the past. Please Joyce? Believe in me. Believe in us."

I'll try. I'll try much harder. I swear I will. It would help, please, if you remind me over and over again. Until finally those ghosts that keep haunting me, and making me hold back, finally vanish into thin air. Please?

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Who said this?

I don't know who said this - "No Man is worth a woman's tears.
The only one who's worth her tears is the one who knows he could but would never, ever make her cry."- she's right.

I won't ever cry again! Ever!

(I just hope I remember I said this)

***

Work was a drag today. I find that I cannot give my best when some things are weighing me down. No matter how much I shake off the feeling of despondency, it just wouldn't go away.

I've cried my last bucket of tears last night. And now I just feel numbness taking over my sadness. And now I vow to never let him make me cry again. He probably can't do that now anyway. A wall has been erected in my heart. And I swear he couldn't go through that thick wall no matter how he tries.

***
There's been a bright side to my shadowed day. I asked my two supervisors to write for me a recommendation letter I need for school. They said such nice things about me (probably because I forced them to, what with me holding up a knife while they write the recommendation letter)

Here's an excerpt of what they said about me:
"(She is) good with directions, very intelligent, takes criticism well, open-minded"
"Joyce is one of the best employees we have. She is very smart and reliable."

Geez, Dan and Chad, love you guys!

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All that I'm feeling right now summed up into this poem...

Stop all the clocks.
Cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking
with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos
and with muffled drum,
bring out the coffin:
let the mourners come.

Let airplanes circle
mourning overhead,
scribbling on the sky
the message: he is dead.
The great bows 'round the whitenecks of the public doves,
let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my north, my south, my east and west,
my working week and my sunday rest
my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever:
I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now,
put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

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Bakit ganon?

Ayan na naman ako... natatakot na namang magtanong. Ayoko na nito. Nagsisimula na naman ba? Akala ko ba okay na tayo? Akala ko ba nakalimutan mo na sya? Akala ko ba ako na talaga? Bakit ganun ka? Sabi mo hihintayin mo ako. Sabi mo di mo na ako papaiyakin. Hindi ba sabi mo, nung pangalawang beses mo na itong ginawa, titigil ka na. Di ba sabi mo ako na ang pinili mo at hindi sya? Dba sabi ng kaibigan mo wala na sya sa buhay mo? Nagsinungaling ba sya sa kin? Nagsinungaling ka ba sa kin?

Bakit ganon, pinapaiyak mo na naman ako? Bakit ganon, wala na naman akong magagawa ngayon. Gaya noon, wala akong nagawa kasi alam ko kung gaano mo sya minahal. Ngayon, wala akong magawa kasi malayo ako. At kung sakali mang andyan ako, may magagawa ba ako?

Paulit-ulit na lang ito. Ilang beses mo na ba akong sinaktan? Di ko na ata mabilang. Napapagod na ako. Akala ko numb na ang puso ko, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na handa na ako, kasi naramdaman ko na ito dati, mali pala ako, dahil kahit ilang beses pa itong mangyari, yun pa rin ang mararamdaman ko... parang guguho na naman ang aking mundo.

Ang daya mo naman e. Pinaniwala mo ako na mahihintay mo talaga ako. Kung kailan pa naman nagsisimula na talaga akong maniwala na tayo na talaga forever and ever. Ipupukpok ko na ata ulo ko sa pader. Di na ako nadala. Sabi ko na nga ba e, dapat pinakinggan ko ang bulong ng isip ko, "long distance relationships do not work." I should've known.

Bakit ganon? Kasalanan ko rin naman kasi e, binuksan ko ang email account mo, ayan tuloy nabasa ko pa ang sulat nya sa yo. Ignorance is bliss, ika nga nila. Pero ngayong nalaman ko na nga, syet! Ang sakit. Sana di ko na lang pinakialaman ang mga email messages mo.

Ngayon, natatakot akong magtanong sa yo ng diretso. Sya pa rin ba ang laman ng puso mo? Paano na ako? Paano na ang mga pangako mo? Natatakot kasi ako na malaman mismo sa bibig mo na mahal mo pa rin sya. Natatakot ako na marinig ulit na "kasalanan ko bang magmahal ng dalawang tao."

Syet pare, ang sakit naman. Ayoko ng umiyak. Pinangako ko na sa sarili ko na hindi na ako iiyak pa, kasi akala ko naiyak ko na lahat ng mga luha sa aking mata nuong unang nangyari ito sa atin, pero eto na naman ako, umiiyak na naman. Ayoko na. Napapagod na ako.

Kaya pala ang hirap na bumalik ang tiwala ko sa yo, kasi di mo na pala deserve ang tiwala ko.

Sana I'm just jumping to conclusions. Sana mali pala ang akala ko. Sana mali ang interpretation ko sa sinulat nya sa yo.

Kasi pag nagkataon na tama pala ang aking hinala, di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Ayoko ng umiyak, pero bakit tuloy pa rin ang pag-agos ng luha ko?

Ang sakit-sakit. Yung bang sana may magagawa ako. Sana maipaglalaban ko ulit ang love ko, pero ang hirap, malayo ako.

***
Oh lord, here I go again. And to think that I said I was feeling romantic on my last post.

Shit. My friends are right. I am a martyr.

This has got to stop.

I can't take it anymore.

Please, help me forget.

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I love this poem...

TONIGHT I CAN WRITE
PABLO NERUDA

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, `The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

This one too...

I DO NOT LOVE YOU...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
- by Pablo Neruda

Haha. Obviuosly, I'm feeling romantic today. :)

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My First Kiss

So sweet love seemed that April morn,
When first we kissed beside the thorn,
So strangely sweet, it was not strange
We thought that love could never change.
~Robert Bridges

He held my hand and looked deeply in my eyes. A smile hovered on his lips.

Perhaps he was amused by the inconsequential chatter I had been doing for the last half hour. He knew he made me nervous. Maybe he heard the sound of my heart racing a hundred miles an hour. Or my sharp intake of breath as he continued to look at me squarely in the eyes. Or perhaps he could feel how cold and clammy my palms were as he held my hand.

I tried to stare back at him, but somehow I couldn't look at him for more than five seconds. My eyes wandered aimlessly, looking at anything except him.

And then somehow, in the midst of my babbling, he swooped in for a kiss.The world stopped revolving for an instant, as if waiting with bated breath for that moment.

I was paralyzed, surprised at his brazenness. But as his lips continued to caress mine in the softest kiss, my eyes fluttered closed. And I stopped thinking. And started feeling. Distinctly, I heard music from far away. And fireworks. Yes, definitely fireworks.

And in my mind and heart, I know of no love so strong such as what I felt for him at that moment. And with that kiss, he made me believe in forever.

That was my first kiss. And up till now, I still feel the glow whenever I remember it. That memory still makes me smile, and dream. ( Sabi nga dun sa kanta, yan ang tamis ng unang halik. Hay, Bakit nga ba di ko ito makalimutan?)

Ah, we were so young then. Believing that love could really conquer all. Believing that love really lasts forever.

But what happened now? Everything's lost. Every dream shattered. Every hope diminished. And that promise I felt with our first kiss forgotten.

What's with first kisses that one could never really forget them? What's with first kisses that everything that follows afterwards could never realy compare to that first time two lips met in a kiss? What's with first kisses that every kiss afterwards pale in comparison?

But hey, maybe it's just me.

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Change of mind, again

I totally lost interest in the program I am taking right now. I guess when you finally decided to do something with the rest of your life, the other things that don't exactly fit into it would lose their sparkle.

I didn't do any of the assignments the teacher gave us. And when she checked those assignments and I wasn't able to show her anything, she looked at me with that disappointed look in her face, and said, "Joyce, you don't have an assignment? Why? I expected a lot from you than that."

I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. Coz all I was thinking at that time is, What the heck? I don't care anymore. Phew.

I'd lost interest already. One month after the program had started. Geez.

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Letter

I asked you a lot of times, if ever there is a chance, would you live here with me. Would you leave the place you've known all your life, would you leave the comfort, the security and stability of home? Would you leave everything you've loved and known. Would you risk it all just for me?

Silence was your answer.

Then, "why don't you just go home here? I'll take care of you", you said.

And silence was my answer.

I remember there was once a time in our life, that we welcome the silence. We just sit at that bench outside my dormitory, we look at the stars, my head against your shoulders, your arms around me, our hands linked together, letting the silence envelope us. And we're secure in that kind of silence.

But now, the silence is both killing us. For now, silence means there are many unanswered questions hanging between us. Questions we're both afraid to answer right now. Questions just lurking around the corner, yet we're both afraid to touch upon. What does your silence mean? What does mine mean?

And then you continue to say, "Let's not talk about it yet"

And there was silence. Again.

posted at 4:54 PM by joyce

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Saturday, October 11, 2003

Fun Day

I was awfully cheerful this morning.

I swear, no matter that many of the CNAs at work were cranky, I kept the smile on my face. No one could spoil my good mood. I was walking with my feet floating in the air.

And I didn't even have a reason to smile really. I guess I just woke up at the right side of the bed, thinking life is good.

It's a nice feeling.

And this song keeps running through my head..."Oooh I love the way you, love the way you... love me..."

Dunno where I heard it. The song just popped into my head and I was singing it all day long. Cool.

posted at 10:30 PM by joyce

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Friday, October 10, 2003

Whew! What a day!

Been all around town running errands.

First, my dad woke me up at 7:45 in the morning. We were going to take the USPS examination... at 9am in Cherry Hill. That's a 30-minute drive from our apartment.

dad: joyce wake up! we're leaving at 8am!
me: hmmm? what time is it?
dad:7:45! u have 15 minutes to dress!
me: What!!!!!!!

I took a shower that would have been termed as the fastest shower by the Guiness Book of World Records. Didn't even have time to blow dry my hair. So I tied it up in a ponytail soaking wet. Ugh.

Then, when we were off to go, I suddenly remembered we don't have any pencils at home. We need pencils for the test. Unfortunately for us, New Jersey isn't like Manila, there are no sari-sari stores here. Ergo, have to go to Shoprite. Go to a big grocery store to buy one box of pencils. huh. How ridiculous is that? Hmm... made me think... what if I initiate a trend and create a sari-sari store here. Hehe. Just a thought.

Anyway, we didn't go to Shoprite because on our way there, Vincent suddenly remembered that there is indeed a small grocery store near our apartment. So we bought the pencils. One hurdle passed. Now for the next one... they don't sell sharpeners!

What to do? Hmm... thank goodness my dad was resourceful. He bought instead a miniature penknife. ER- actually, I don't know what they call it. Needless to say, during the drive over to Cherry Hill, my dad was trying to sharpen those pencils using that mini-kinife.

All that time, I was silently fuming that we're never gonna make it to the testing center on time. I was at the back of the car sulking, telling them that I wished I hadn't called out from work since we're never gonna make it on time anyway.

We were running out of luck that day, actually. When we were at Cherry Hill, we got lost. We couldn't find the building where we will have the test. We brough a map with us, but it really didn't help coz we just had no sense of direction, or as I always tell people, "we are directionally challenged." We were roaming around for more than ten minutes when alas we finally found it. But I tell you, tempers were running high inside the car.

We made it with only a minute to spare. But at least we made it.

Now, about that test, uh, I don't know how I fared... but I do not have high hopes. I just wasn't ready that time. OH well.

After the test, we went to my grandma's house to have lunch. We had adobo. Yummy.

Then afterwards, we went to Camden County College where I applied for their pre-nursing course.

And then I had a chat with my sister. And she agreed to pay for my tuition. Hmmm... Isn't that nice of her? :)

And then we went grocery shopping. Then we rented three dvds, "Chicago, Down with Love," and uh, I forgot the other one. Anyway, we had a movie marathon at home. We watched all of those movies in one night. Slept around midnight.

posted at 7:47 PM by joyce

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Thursday, October 09, 2003

Updates

School is going great. Sometimes I enjoy our discussions, sometimes they bore the hell out of me. But all in all, I am enjoying school. And I'm doing well on my quizzes. I swear I could be in the President's list. I surprise myself. Why didn't this happen in college? Hehe.

But then, I'm shifting to another course this spring. What's wrong with this picture? I'm doing well in this class, but I'm going to take up another course. Hmm... I'm a woman. I have the right to change my mind.

Nah. I wish I could blame it on a woman's prerogative to change her mind. But my change of mind is much more complicated than that. Let's just say I finally set my priorities straight. Let's leave it at that. :)

posted at 11:53 PM by joyce

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Decisions

I took a long and hard look at my life...

And yes, I've decided to take that road after all.

How did I come up with that decision?

One day, while at work, I was doing something (I can't remember now what it is), then suddenly, my future flashed before my very eyes. I didn't like what I saw.

Then, this seed suddenly sprung out of nowhere in my heart. And I know if I didn't act now, I'd lose my nerve.

So now, I'm taking the big leap towards the growth of that tiny seed...

No one can stop me. Not even me.

posted at 3:05 PM by joyce

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Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Does age matter in love?

I didn't think so.

But apparently a lot of people do think that age matters in a relationship.

I was getting a lot of different (and violent) reactions when I tell some people of my age and my boyfriend's age. I'm 20, he's 26.

Their reactions?

"No way, Joyce!"

gasps! "He's old!"

"That's child abuse!"

"What were you thinking?"

"I can't believe it!"

Some just shake their heads and roll their eyes at me.

Of course I would jump at his defense.

First of, he is not that old. Maybe I'm just too young, but heck, I'll be turning 21 this November, so that would be a five-year gap instead of six.

Second, sometimes he has the maturity of a twelve year old kid. So it kinda' balance it out, don't you think so?

Third, in five years, our age difference won't matter. The five-year gap would eventually narrow down. So why is it a big deal now?

Fourth, I do believe in the old adage that age doesn't matter, well, ugh, except when he's like 40 and I'm 20, er- that's just way too gross for me.

Fifth, I do love him, despite his age.

And lastly, I don't care what his age is as long as he loves me too.

So there.

For you people who still don't understand, go meddle with other's people's lives and leave me alone.

posted at 11:18 PM by joyce

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Sunday, October 05, 2003

Tabula Rasa

Oh my god.

My mind's a blank right now.

I can't think. I can't write. I can't form a coherent sentence.

Is this what they call writer's block?

Shit. It came at a wrong time.

I have three case problems to study and analyze. I have to make a report. I have to do this assignment. I have to pass this on Wednesday. I have to...

But right now, my mind just refused to function properly.

It even came to a point where I almost banged my head on the wall, hoping to shake up my brain or something. But I have a low tolerance to pain, ergo, I just stared frustratedly at the blank screen in front of me.

Times like this, I miss my baby. He used to do all my writing assignments when I am not in the mood to do them. Ugh. I wish he was here.

But since he's not, and I have no one to rely to but myself, I have to face this problem, and hope that in an hour or two, I could finally form an idea and write it down.

posted at 9:13 PM by joyce

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Saturday, October 04, 2003

Long-distance call

Been burning those telephone lines again talking to my baby.

Spent the last hour and a half, listening to him, updating me of his life there in the Philippines.

I'm jealous. Extremely jealous. He went out last Saturday with my college friends, drinking, and maybe having the time of their lives.

I am so green with envy. Wish I was there. But since I'm not, I won't dwell on the fact that I'm thousands of miles away, and I can't do anything about it anyway.

I told him of my plans to probably take up another course next year. Same reaction. "Joyce, make up your mind on what you want to do with your life..." Oh well.

He reminded me of my upcoming birthday. I forgot all about that. Hard to believe huh? Forgetting about your own birthday? I don't know if I got reason to celebrate anyway... Another year. What has changed? A lot, you say. But nothing to celebrate about.

That's all for now. I'm beat. Ciao

posted at 8:49 PM by joyce

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I am not in the mood to write today, my brain's all blank right now. But I just have to say this...

I guess you could never really stay unhappy for so long esp. if other people go out of their way to make you smile...

To all you people who made me smile and made my heart skip a beat, thanks so much.:)

posted at 5:04 PM by joyce

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Friday, October 03, 2003

I'm not alone

I've been reading this beautiful, beautiful blog. I've been digging up his archives and I read this. It almost made me cry.

Coz I can easily relate to his situation.

There's comfort in knowing you are not alone in feeling such emotions, that other people felt the same way too.

***
Ouch

Maybe I'll stop being such a grouch now. I noticed that recently all my entries seem to convey how unhappy I am.

No more. I have to get out of this state I am in.

Because when I read one of his blog entries that says:The world can sympathize with me on my problems
-- but that's often as far as it goes
-- because my problems are not unique in all the world. , it was like I woke up from my self-pity (or whatever you call it). He's right.

posted at 3:59 PM by joyce

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Thursday, October 02, 2003

My Dad and I went to Philly this morning.

I like it there and all those ancient bulidings.

And people.

Reminds me of Manila, minus the air and noise pollution, traffick, garbage, and oh yeah, flood.

***
It must be the cold air, but I feel a little on the downside today.

Give me happy pills, anyone!

I need to be perky and alert for my class tonight.

Which, incidentally, I'm not in the mood to attend. We're going to Rutgers in Camden. And I am so not in the mood. Really.

Grr.

posted at 3:58 PM by joyce

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Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Guilt

"Baby, do you really love me?",he asks.

"Why do you ask me that question? You know I do."

"Nothing. I just love you so much that I know it would be the end of me if I lose you."

Times like this, I'd feel really guilty when I have doubts our long-distance relationship wouldn't work out. I deserve a thousand slaps in the head.

posted at 11:32 PM by joyce

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It's fall now in New Jesey.

And for me, it's freaking cold!

and i'm eating ice cream. haha :)

posted at 12:56 AM by joyce

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