How I had hated my father and gotten over it

I had always been "daddy's girl".

When I was just a young girl, up to a time in college, I was always the 'favored one'. Whatever Joyce wants, Joyce gets. I never did know why I was the favorite child. Maybe because I look so much like my dad. Or that I had also inherited most of his traits.

My childhood holds such sweet memories, esp. of those times when I was with my father. I remember when I was a little girl, he used to carry me up in his shoulders, then twirl me 'round and 'round till I get dizzy.

I also remember how I used to dance a lot with him. I remember most of the time when I turned on the radio to some dance music, I would start to dance enthusiastically, then my father would join me, and we'd dance all over the house. He'd imitate some of my crazy moves, then I'd also imitate his dance moves while my sisters were watching us and laughing histerically at our antics.

I remeber he was so proud whenever I brought home from school some medals I won at some quiz bees. He would tell all of his friends how smart I am. He also used to be the one to pin my medal come recognition day in school. He was so proud of me. And I used to do everything in my power so he'll always take pride in me.

There was once a time in my life that I'd beam when people say, "You're so much like your dad."

I am so much like my Dad? That was a compliment for me then. My father was a very headstrong man. He fights for what he believes in. He never backs down from a fight, esp. if he knows he is right. That's the reason why people respect him so much, although he had also gained a few enemies.

I had always looked upon him as the ideal guy. My dad was the yardstick for all the boys I had liked and loved. They just have to be like my dad, or they're out of the picture. He had always been, for me, the epitome of a perfect man. He was a loving husband, responsible father, reliable friend and a great mentor. At an early age in my life, I had known that he would be the best example of the kind of man I would wish to marry someday.

What has my dad done to deserve such high regard? He was such a great father. Though I only see him on weekends, coz he used to work at a place far from home, he always makes sure that come weekend, he'd devote his full time on us.

Then I can see how much he loves my mama. When I see them together, I smile because I'm glad that they give us the best example of what love really means. Because of him, I had always strongly believed that true love indeed exists.

Up to a certain time in my life, my dad had always been my hero.

I was naive. I thought wrong. My belief in him was misplaced.

He doesn't deserve to be my hero.

For he is just like any other guy in the planet.

One day, I finally found out the truth. With the truth comes the shattering of what I had always taken pride of, and believed in.With the truth comes that realization that men could never really be perfect. There has got to be some flaws hidden in there somewhere. You're lucky if you can hide them forever. My dad was unlucky.

He was never a perfect man. I should've known that right from the start. But I had idolized him. Maybe in my eyes, and in my childhood memories, I had made him into something he is not.

One day, I found out he has a mistress. What's worse was that he used to have mistresses a mile long. And the worst part is, I knew of his mistresses. He had introuduced them to us before. We even call these women our "Aunties".

My world shattered when I found out the truth. I told my sisters about it. Surprisingly for me, they took the news quite well. My eldest sister even said, "Oh? Again?" Whoa. What did she mean by that? I found out later on that my sisters knew of my father's past affairs but never told me about it. Why? Because they want to hide the truth from me. They don't want to disillusion me about my dad.

I took the news very hard. Much so than my whole family, because I had always put my father into a pedestal.

I never did confront my dad about it. But I know that he knows that i found out about his past affairs with other women. But I never gave him the chance to explain. There were times when I know he wanted so much to talk to me. But I didn't want to talk to him. What was the point? What was there to talk about?

For months, my relationship with my dad became colder. I never talk to him unless necessary. And I guess up till now, I would never be that same girl who used to idolize my dad. That girl was gone.

For months I had wanted to shout to him, "I love you dad, but I hate you as a man. You made me lose my faith in men. You made me lose my faith in love and the word forever. I had placed you into a pedestal, the yardstick of all the men who had come into my life. But you just have to be that guy who I thought you were not. I hate you. I hate what you where doing to my mom."

But I never did say those things.

For months this hatred had grown inside of me.

I was greatly disillusioned about men, about life, love, relationships...And somehow I had become a cynic when it comes to love.

But somehow, through the passage of time, I had learn to accept it. I had learn to accept that nothing in this world is perfect, not even love.

I had learn to accept my dad's mistakes.

I came from being an idealist to being a realist.

I had come to accept reality. That this is life, and what happened to us happens all the time.

I don't know if I had forgiven him yet though...