O Ye of Little Faith

I was wrong.

That wall I said I had erected surrounding my heart crumbled at the mere sound of his voice calling my name. The dust settled when I heard the sound of his tears. Together we had a good cry.

Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions. He loves me. He really does. And this is said not just to convince myself that he does love me. Rather I am stating a fact.

If my friends were here right now at this moment, they would have knocked me on the head to "wake me up to reality". But they don't really know. They don't really understand. I know. I understand.

Now more than ever.

The line "It's not you, it's me" very much applies to our situation. It really is me. Something is wrong with me. Why can't I just trust the love he has to offer me? Why do I keep finding something wrong when everything is perfect? Why can't I just believe that it is love? It really is love.

"Joyce, I know I hurt you in the past. And you know I am deeply sorry I did what I did. But that is over. She is a part of the past now. Why don't you believe that it's you I love now not her? You are the present and the future. Please believe me..."

I want to believe him. And at times when I am starting to believe and hope, the past just keeps rearing its ugly head in my mind, and then I begin to doubt again.

Some thing must be wrong with me. No, no. Some thing is definitely wrong with me.

"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, alam mo ba yun?," he said in between heart-wrenching sobs.

"I love you too..."

"No, don't say you love me when you have doubts..."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So sorry.

This distance between us doesn't help matters. It only furthers the doubts in my mind.

"Have a little faith in me, please. This won't work if you won't get yourself to trust me. Forget the past. Please Joyce? Believe in me. Believe in us."

I'll try. I'll try much harder. I swear I will. It would help, please, if you remind me over and over again. Until finally those ghosts that keep haunting me, and making me hold back, finally vanish into thin air. Please?