CAr accident

I just got involved into an accident.

I'm fine physically, but still shaken.

One thing's for sure, you'll never gonna see me in the driver's seat again. I may never touch a steering wheel for a very, very long time. Probably ten years.

The scenes from the accident kept replaying in my head over and over again. I don't know if I can sleep. Everytime I close my eyes pictures kept flashing in my mind. Then I feel my body tremble, and tears fall unnoticed from my eyes.

It's a long story. Thank goodness nobody was hurt.

My car was a wreck though. Same thing to the car which hit me.

Okay, here's the gist of what happened.

I was going to Wendy's to buy something to eat. I signaled to the left, and the car accross from me gave me the go sign so I can pass. I didn't notice that a car in the other lane was fast zooming in in my direction. Next thing I know I heard this loud bang and my car swerved to the left.

I sat there at the driver's seat, bewildered and shaken. Then when I looked at the other car which hit me, I thought I was gonna faint. Her windshield was smashed, and heck, I don't know how to describe it, but it was a mess.

A woman opened my door and asked me if I was okay. I said yes, but a little scared.

Then I got out of the car to look at the damage in my car. I thought I was gonna faint for sure. The plate number flew off, the bumper totally fell off. There were a lot of broken glasses everywhere. The front of the car was smashed. Oh my god.

I quickly called Lester because he works near the scene of the accident. I told him what happened, and in just a few minutes he was there with me.

Then the police started to come. Police cars, ambulance, firemen.

I didn't cry then when they were all asking me if I was okay. But when the paramedic took me to the ambulance to take my blood pressure, it just then finally hit me. I just had an accident. And my car was a total wreck. I couldn't help it. I cried in front of the officer.

They asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital but I said that I was okay. That nothing hurt.

Then afterwards I just went to Lester and cried in his arms. I was beyond comforting. That was my first accident and it was very traumatic.

I don't wanna drive again. Ever. Never ever again. Not even if they gave me a jaguar for a car. Nah- ah.

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Paranoia

I found out I'm too emotional sometimes.

Wait, sometimes? Try all the time.

I am just too emotional and I can't help it. I guess generally women are that way, huh?

When I thought he was saying goodbye, when I thought his silence speaks of farewell, he was just really sleepy. (say what?)

Wehehe. I got silence last night because he can barely keep his eyes open. He can barely form a coherent sentence.

Now he was asking me why I was crying last night. Why I didn't kiss him when he was about to leave.

Why indeed? Coz when I thought my karma was coming, he was just ready to call it a night.

When I was too emotional, he was just too tired. Sheesh.

***
Drove his baby earlier. Mind you, I had to plead real hard just to drive his precious car. Apparently, he got scared when he saw me drive yesterday. And I guess he also got scared at my driving horror stories. Got to remember next time not to regal him with my many close calls. Like that time I almost hit my supervisor's car... oh well, that's another story altogether. hehe.

Drove his car for about five to ten minutes only. Don't want to scare him anymore or else he might have a heart attack at a young age.

I wonder what he would say if I put a small dent on that car. Probably won't talk to me ever again. He loves his car more than he loves me. Hehe. Men. (rolls eyes)

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How do you love?

He told me last night, when you love someone, don't give everything you got. Leave out something for yourself. Hold back. Because when that person leaves, it wouldn't hurt as much.

Honestly, can you really love someone halfheartedly? Can you really love someone while holding back a part of yourself? That's not the way I love. That's not how it works for me. And I know that the way I love a person would eventually lead me to that inevitable heart ache. Coz I know everytime someone says goodbye, or when I say goodbye, he keeps a piece of my heart.

***
Excerpt from an email I received. These lines struck me the most, I wonder why.

"when you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits."

"I'm sorry if you can't love me the way you loved the one before me, so i'll let you go to find him/her and hope someday you'll see that the one true love you're looking for was the one who set you free..."

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Start picking up the pieces

I've always heard that when karma comes, it comes swiftly, as swiftly as the speed of sound, perhaps?

I don't know where to start writing these jumbled thoughts and emotions inside me. I don't even know if I have the energy to organize my thoughts in order to come up to something coherent.

All I know is that this pain drains the energy in me. This pain numbs me. This pain weakens me.

Earlier I was readying myself for the blow. I tried to harden my heart, as it waits fearfully for that one swift blow to shatter my world... I wanted so much to cover my ears with my hands, but I didn't. I was thinking, if my karma comes right now, I must face it like a man, face it with all the strength that I have. That Joyce who used to run away when things get rough was trying to resurface itself. But no, the new Joyce buried that one long ago. And so I waited, waited and waited for that final moment... Waited and waited and waited...

But it was silence that greeted me...

But then again he didn't have to say anything, for I already know. I've always thought that if I lose him, it was because of this way. Yeah, I've always known that. And somehow, I was ready for it.

As I was lying there in a fetal position, this thought kept playing in my head... "Here goes your karma... Here goes your karma. Be ready for it, Joyce. Be brave. Be strong. You know you deserve it. You know sooner or later it will come... Here goes..."

But another part of me was pleading, that fearful and weak part of me, "Please Lord, not this soon. Not this soon. Not this soon..."

I found out that no matter how you say how ready you are, you will never really be ready for the pain. You will never really be ready to stop the tears from falling from your eyes ( though I was tempted to do what Hua Tze Lei said to Shan Cai about standing on your head so that the tears won't fall ). Huh. Will that really work?

I lay there long after I heard the click of the lock. I lay there, with my head buried on my pillow, my knees bent to my chest, long after I heard the sound of the door closing, long after I heard the sound of the car starting, long after I heard the squeals of the tires leaving, long after I heard my cellphone ringing, long after the pain enveloped me, long after I just felt numbness...

Somehow, I know, no matter what he tells me, he was already preparing me for the pain. I know so. Call it woman's intuition, call it whatever you like, but I know he was preparing me for that final closing of the door.

I'm strong. I'll start picking up the pieces soon enough.

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Siguro tumatanda na nga ako.

At kasama sa pagtanda ay yung pagma-mature ng isip...

Noong una, umalis ako kasi wala syang oras sa akin. Napakadalang naming magkita, napakadalang mag-usap sa telepono. Sa isang taong naging kami, siguro tatlong buwan lang talaga kami nagkita at nagkausap.

At marahil dahil sa bata pa ako, kaagad akong sumuko. Kaagad akong umayaw.

Sa pangalawa, umalis na naman ako dahil sinabi ko malayo... d ko kaya ang layo. Gusto ko and2 sya. Mahirap pag malayo. You grow apart.

Ngayon... ganito na naman... walang oras para sa akin. Madalang magkita. Laging nasa trabaho...

Napansin nyo ba, agad akong sumusuko? Sabi nung pangalawa sa akin masyado daw akong selfish, iniisip ko lang daw ang aking sarili... kung saan ako masaya, dun ako. pag dumadaan na sa problema, labas na ka agad ako. Sabi nya I only think of myself.

Masakit marining yun mula sa kanya... ngunit tama sya.

Napansin ko nga na ganun ang ginagawa ko...

Pero iba na ngayon. Pipilitin kong intindihin na hindi sa lahat ng oras ay nandyan sya. Hindi sa lahat ng oras matatakbuhan ko sya. Hindi sa lahat ng oras makikita ko sya. His world doesn't revolve around me. Got to remember that. Got to understand that.

Pero ang hirap kasi e. Lalo na ngayon, I miss him so much. Ayokong masanay na ganito...

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For him who brightens my day

It feels so good to hold you in my arms and hug you real tight. It feels so good to have your arms around me, to feel the steady beat of your heart against my cheek. It feels so good to feel the gentle fanning of your breath against my hair. It feels so good to just close my eyes and feel you're there.

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Follow where the road leads

It felt good just driving around, with no real destination. Just following every twists and turns of the road.

Driving, I found out, calms frayed nerves and disappointed hearts.

I was driving around for almost an hour after my class today. I just felt like doing it. I guess I was familiarizing myself with the streets and corners of where I live.

I almost got lost. And yes, I almost called a friend to fetch me. But that would be too embarrassing. So I just drove around in circles, till at last, I found a familiar road.

Driving drives all thoughts away. I wish I could drive forever, and forget about tomorrow.

***
I don't cling. I know when I'm not wanted.

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Colorful Life

New template. Yay. I was kinda' getting tired of that depressing blue that greets me every time I open my blog, so I decided to change my background template. Kinda' nice ain't it? Pretty simple.

Actually there's a reason why I chose this template.

While I was talking to Ivy on the phone, updating her of my life here in Jersey, she commented that I live a colorful life... that I'm living a life, period. With the sudden twists and turns my life is undergoing right now, I guess she's right.

I think I asked her what she meant by that. She said that it's because when we were in the Philippines we lived a very sheltered life.

Sheltered? If sheltered means having no financial responsibilities, then yes I was sheltered. If sheltered means, being naive and innocent about the cruel world, yes I was sheltered. If sheltered means no worries about what the future might bring for us (because our parents do all the worrying anyway), then yes, I was sheltered. If sheltered means I was a happy-go-lucky-girl, then yes, I was sheltered.

Is my life now pretty colorful? Nah, I don't think so. It's just a splash of black, white and gray areas, with a little smattering of red, yellow, purple and green on the side. How am I supposed to be living a colorful life here? Is it because of the sudden complications I had made of my life? Is it because in a few short months I had undergone the highs and lows of life? Is it because in a matter of days, I had felt pain, lethargy, relief, and happiness at the same time?

***
'Nga pala, watched The Passion of the Christ with Lester last Friday. Hmm.. what can I say about the movie? It's pretty good actually. Ang ganda ng cinematography. Although, well, feeling ko masyadong brutal yung movie. Although sabi nila, that's what really happened. Pero kahit na. I kept closing my eyes at some violent scenes coz d ko talaga ma-take.

Pero maganda nga na pinakita nila talaga yung ano talaga yung ginawa kay Jesus, coz while I was watching it, para bang there was this sudden realization sa akin, na iniisip ko, "Lord, is this what you had to go through to save mankind?" Para bang I was so ashamed sa sarili ko at kay Lord, na he had to undergo such suffering tapos ako, eto, still a sinner.

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F*cked up

They say that in life there are no guarantees... pero isipin mo na lang anong mangyayari sa buhay mo kung iniisip mo na lang palagi na walang sigurado dito sa mundo. If a person continues to be a pessimist about things then how can he be happy? Wala lang.

***
Have I crushed your spirit? Tell me what have I done? I feel so loss... Can we please rewind this video of life? And right the things we've done wrong?

***
He told me he doesn't believe that love could lasts forever. That's funny coming from him. Shouldn't I be the one saying that? Aren't I the one who doesn't believe in forever?

***
My past continues to haunt me. Damn. How can I blame him for not trusting me? He doesn't say those words but that's what I feel right now. Will I continue to be tied up with my past? Will I be haunted for rash decisions made by youth?

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It's my life, it's my decision

I had always been the type of girl who doesn't care what other people think or say about my actions - be they be good or otherwise.

I always tell them, "It's my life. I don't care what other people think. If ever I would make bad decisions, and then pay for it, then it's okay, because it's me who paid, it's me who learned. It's my life and no one controls it but me. If people don't approve, what the hell do I care. They got nothing better to do but to meddle into other people's business."

I always had this attitude even when I was a kid, maybe that's why my parents don't really meddle with any decisions I make of my life, coz once they do, they know that I would rebel against them. Or at least I would do the reverse thing they expected me to do. This has happened a lot of times, that my parents just let me do what I want, and they don't try to dictate my life. My parents had learned to respect my decisions in life. And I love them for that. They let me do what I want (eventhough maybe a lot of times, I make bad decisions), and then if I fall, they would not shake their heads and tell me 'I told you so', instead they let me learn from my own mistakes, and they would only help me if I ask for their help and guidance. They would help me mend the broken pieces.

Not all people are like me, I know. There are those people who always think of what other people will say about them before they do some kind of action. Honestly, how can you be happy with that? How can you be happy when with every move you make, you look over your shoulder to see if people are snickering behind your back? If that were the case, then your freedom is restricted, you let others dictate your life, you let others dictate your happiness.

I don't know if I have a distorted view of these things. But this is who I am, the girl with the 'I-don't-give-a-f*ck-what-other-people-think' attitude. I'm not saying that I just do what I want to do without contemplating about the consequences of my actions. What I'm saying is that I don't let what others think of me, get to my nerves.

I'm just saying all these things to make a point to someone I hold dear in my heart. You know who you are. Please, I beg you again and again, don't make that fear in your heart an issue to ruin our relationship.

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When sorry isn't enough

Once, I promised myself that I would never hurt another person again in my life. And yet no matter how hard I had tried to veer away from that situation, that's exactly what I did.

I must have said sorry a million times today... sorry for what I did... sorry for breaking my promise... sorry for being such a coldhearted bitch... sorry for hurting him... sorry for falling in-love with another man... sorry for making him cry... sorry for betraying him... sorry for breaking his heart... sorry for his disillusionment on love... sorry that I am still very immature... sorry for the pain I've caused... sorry for letting go so easily... sorry for not believing with long distance relationships... sorry for making him so miserable... sorry for everything... sorry for the things I said...sorry for falling out of love... sorry for the goodbye...sorry... sorry... sorry.

But what can all these sorries do? I cannot undo what I have done. I have hurt him. And right now I feel so awful, not because I still love him. I feel awful because I don't love him anymore. I feel awful because he said a lot of hurtful things to me, things that made me cry because he's right. I deserve all that he told me in the heat of his anger.

"I can't believe you hurt me..."
"I can't believe that no matter how hurt I am right now, I still love you so much..."
"You don't know what love means..."
"You are still so immature..."
"Grow up Joyce"
"Sana sinapak mo na lang ako... being in-love is such a big joke. Magseseryoso ka, iiwan ka lang, magloko ka, ganun din..."
"You never cared about me... all you think of is yourself..."

And what's so awful about all this is that, after saying all these mean things to me (which I know I deserve anyway), he said sorry... he became real nice again. I would've accepted all the mean things he had to say to me. I would've accepted his anger. But I cannot take it that after all the pain I had caused he was still very nice...


***
Then to make matters worse, I cried in front of Lester as I hugged him real tight.

Even though he doesn't come right out and say it, I know he was hurt when he saw me cry because of"him".

I hugged him real tight as he tried to comfort me, though I know he needed comfort and reassurance too...

He asked me if I still love Wacqs. I shook my head no... He looked at me and told me I was lying... But how can I explain to him that you cannot easily forget when you had spent almost two years with someone...

And doesn't he realize too, that I am scared of the consequences of my actions? But I had risked it... risked it because I had fallen in-love with him....

god, what am I doing? Everyone thinks I am such a nice girl... if only they know... I am not so nice now am I?

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