Start picking up the pieces

I've always heard that when karma comes, it comes swiftly, as swiftly as the speed of sound, perhaps?

I don't know where to start writing these jumbled thoughts and emotions inside me. I don't even know if I have the energy to organize my thoughts in order to come up to something coherent.

All I know is that this pain drains the energy in me. This pain numbs me. This pain weakens me.

Earlier I was readying myself for the blow. I tried to harden my heart, as it waits fearfully for that one swift blow to shatter my world... I wanted so much to cover my ears with my hands, but I didn't. I was thinking, if my karma comes right now, I must face it like a man, face it with all the strength that I have. That Joyce who used to run away when things get rough was trying to resurface itself. But no, the new Joyce buried that one long ago. And so I waited, waited and waited for that final moment... Waited and waited and waited...

But it was silence that greeted me...

But then again he didn't have to say anything, for I already know. I've always thought that if I lose him, it was because of this way. Yeah, I've always known that. And somehow, I was ready for it.

As I was lying there in a fetal position, this thought kept playing in my head... "Here goes your karma... Here goes your karma. Be ready for it, Joyce. Be brave. Be strong. You know you deserve it. You know sooner or later it will come... Here goes..."

But another part of me was pleading, that fearful and weak part of me, "Please Lord, not this soon. Not this soon. Not this soon..."

I found out that no matter how you say how ready you are, you will never really be ready for the pain. You will never really be ready to stop the tears from falling from your eyes ( though I was tempted to do what Hua Tze Lei said to Shan Cai about standing on your head so that the tears won't fall ). Huh. Will that really work?

I lay there long after I heard the click of the lock. I lay there, with my head buried on my pillow, my knees bent to my chest, long after I heard the sound of the door closing, long after I heard the sound of the car starting, long after I heard the squeals of the tires leaving, long after I heard my cellphone ringing, long after the pain enveloped me, long after I just felt numbness...

Somehow, I know, no matter what he tells me, he was already preparing me for the pain. I know so. Call it woman's intuition, call it whatever you like, but I know he was preparing me for that final closing of the door.

I'm strong. I'll start picking up the pieces soon enough.