When sorry isn't enough

Once, I promised myself that I would never hurt another person again in my life. And yet no matter how hard I had tried to veer away from that situation, that's exactly what I did.

I must have said sorry a million times today... sorry for what I did... sorry for breaking my promise... sorry for being such a coldhearted bitch... sorry for hurting him... sorry for falling in-love with another man... sorry for making him cry... sorry for betraying him... sorry for breaking his heart... sorry for his disillusionment on love... sorry that I am still very immature... sorry for the pain I've caused... sorry for letting go so easily... sorry for not believing with long distance relationships... sorry for making him so miserable... sorry for everything... sorry for the things I said...sorry for falling out of love... sorry for the goodbye...sorry... sorry... sorry.

But what can all these sorries do? I cannot undo what I have done. I have hurt him. And right now I feel so awful, not because I still love him. I feel awful because I don't love him anymore. I feel awful because he said a lot of hurtful things to me, things that made me cry because he's right. I deserve all that he told me in the heat of his anger.

"I can't believe you hurt me..."
"I can't believe that no matter how hurt I am right now, I still love you so much..."
"You don't know what love means..."
"You are still so immature..."
"Grow up Joyce"
"Sana sinapak mo na lang ako... being in-love is such a big joke. Magseseryoso ka, iiwan ka lang, magloko ka, ganun din..."
"You never cared about me... all you think of is yourself..."

And what's so awful about all this is that, after saying all these mean things to me (which I know I deserve anyway), he said sorry... he became real nice again. I would've accepted all the mean things he had to say to me. I would've accepted his anger. But I cannot take it that after all the pain I had caused he was still very nice...


***
Then to make matters worse, I cried in front of Lester as I hugged him real tight.

Even though he doesn't come right out and say it, I know he was hurt when he saw me cry because of"him".

I hugged him real tight as he tried to comfort me, though I know he needed comfort and reassurance too...

He asked me if I still love Wacqs. I shook my head no... He looked at me and told me I was lying... But how can I explain to him that you cannot easily forget when you had spent almost two years with someone...

And doesn't he realize too, that I am scared of the consequences of my actions? But I had risked it... risked it because I had fallen in-love with him....

god, what am I doing? Everyone thinks I am such a nice girl... if only they know... I am not so nice now am I?