Finally, progress!

I no longer become a stuttering idiot when Duran Darand (right spelling of his name) walks up to me and say hi.

I no longer feel the blush starting at my neck and working its way up my whole face when he smiles at me.

I'm no longer speechless when he strikes up a conversation.

I no longer give him monosyllables like "Uhm, yeah", "Uh-huh", or "No" when he talks to me.

I have gone past that. Well, okay, not really, but almost. Hehe

We are now on the stage where we joke around with each other. Well, how about that huh?

I can now formulate one whole sentence without stuttering, or blushing, or giving him that silly grin and basically looking like a fool.

Wahoo!

Darn he is so cute! :)

***
Thanks!

To all those who responded to my cry for help.

Thanks so much.

I haven't quite figured it out yet, coz, um, yeah, I am slow when it comes to computer stuff, but I know, someday I will. Maybe, five years from now? Hehe. I hope not.

***
Butterfly, Flutterby

Does being decisive comes with age?

Does knowing what you want to do with your life comes with maturity?

Does having long-term goals mean that your life has direction?

If the answer to all these questions is a resounding yes, then I am young, immature and uh, well, my life has no direction.

Right now, I feel like a twenty-year-old kid who was forced to grow up too soon, and yet, is still a kid at heart.

First off, I was taken away from the comfort and security of my home where I always get what I want at the snap of my fingers, to a strange place (and strange people) where I am expected to live for the rest of my life, with no a few friends to speak of, and where I am expected to work my butt off to survive.

Second, I'm into a relationship that at first I thought was not that serious ( I didn't even introduce him to my parents and siblings), but then he decided to change the rules of the game and is now proposing marriage left and right, planning my our future, expecting me to be ready with that kind of stuff.

Third, I have a bachelor's degree, and currently taking up paralegal courses, and yet despite all these education behind my name I still don't know what career I want for the rest of my life. Incidentally, after that paralegal course, I'm still thinking of taking up another course. I tell people it's because I want my mind to grow, but truthfully, I don't know what to do with my life, and I'm still looking for that one thing that would make me say 'Yes! This is it! This is what I want to do."

Some say I'm still young. Everything will come into place eventually. One day I'll just finally slide into my rightful spot in the world. But heck, when will that time come? I am so clueless.

Like today, in school, my professor made us write two paragraphs about your long-term goals, and your short-term goals, and how these goals relate to each other. She gave us guide questions like, how do you see yourself five years from now?. And I only wrote quite a few sentences actually. When I was finished I saw most of my classmates were seemingly writing a novel! Wow, I thought to myself, they really know what they want to do with their life! While as for me, the first thing that came to my mind when that professor told us to write that, is this: How can I write how I see myself five years from now, when I can barely picture where I'm gonna be a month from now?

Right now, I compare myself to a butterfly. Doesn't a butterfly, flit from one flower to another seemingly looking for something? But maybe, unlike a butterfly, I would someday find what I'm looking for, not only in life, but in love as well.

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HELP!

To anyone who's actually reading this blog, I need your help.

Nah, It's nothing serious!

I just can't figure out how to posts pictures in my blog. I've tried all of what my friends told me to do, but darn, do you see any pictures here? That means I'm still doing it wrong.

So, you know where to contact me... thanks guys! I am really hopeless when it comes to computer stuff. hehe

***

Did I just say in my previous post that I cleaned my room? Damn, why does it look like another hurricane has passed through it again? Gosh, am I really that bad a slob? Oh well...

***

WE went to Uncle Raf's and Aunite Mila's silver wedding anniversary celebratoin last night.

It was a strictly formal affair.

I wore a black halter top and a long and flowing purple skirt. I felt like a princess last night. Or at least, a girl on her way to the prom.

We did a lot of line dancing. Well, actually, the guests did, I was trying to imitate their steps, but I think i looked like an idiot there at the dance floor, concentrating so hard to follow what they're doing, but never really getting it. But it was fun though. Now, if only I really know how to line dance. Gotta learn.

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Woohoo!

I've cleaned my room. It actually looked like a room again, instead of a jungle.

No snakes. Thank goodness!

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About Long Distance Relationships

Could long-distance relationships really work?

Hmmm...

I had an interesting chat with Aaron earlier about long distance relationships and if they work or not.

I'm not gonna bore you with the details of that conversation.

Bottom line is, we are both in long distance relationships, but we do not have the same belief about them.

He believes it could work.

I don't believe it can.

I don't know. I guess it's just me. I do not believe that love could really survive the distance. As I think I've pointed out to him, if two people had grown separately, and had probably outgrown each other in the process, how could they be sure that that person is the same person they've fallen in-love with in the first place. Circumstances change. There may be significant events that happened in the life of a person that really changed him or her, and that eventually, would affect the relationship of two lovers in a long distance relationship.

I also do not believe that phone lines could cover that distance. It's just not the same as being with that person physically. I mean, voices through telephone lines could lie. You could say I love you to that person over the phone, while rolling your eyes and shaking your head.

But then again, he said that's what you call faith.

Er- got nothing to say to that. Coz I know he's right.

And I guess, that's just something I lack: Faith or a strong belief that it could really work.

So, where does that leave me and my baby?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. Right now, I'm living for the present. Maybe it would work for us in the future, but then again maybe it would not. I guess we're both hanging on a thin rope, with two choices - hang on for dear life, or just let go. But right now, I'm just too scared to do anything.

And quoting from Pam's blog, "But a relationship will never work if only one person wants it to", I guess I would have to deal with that sooner or later, do i want this relationship to work, and just set aside my doubts?

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Waaahh!

Why can't I access my archives? Grr!

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Conversation 101

"Do you like your job?"

Thus asked one of the CNAs working at the nursing home.

My response was to roll my eyes, shake my head vigorously and give a loud sigh.

"You hate it, huh?"

Another sigh from me.

"If you only knew...", I said.

"Why? Coz its hard?", he asked

I thought about that for a full minute, before giving my answer. Is my job a hard one? No, it's not. It's too easy. Tiring maybe, but too easy.

"You see, I feel like my brain's getting wasted here, y'know. I don't get to think at all. Everything is just automatic. Everything is laid out for you. They give you tests about residents' rights, or about safety drills, and you get the answers at the back of the paper. I mean, my mind's getting stagnant here." I replied

"Yeah, I know what you mean...", he said. Then, " You do have a bachelor's degree right? Then why don't you find another job?"

"Man, I wish it were that easy. You see, I have a limited or no professional experience at all. I just graduated from college, so I didn't gain the professional experience I needed to apply for jobs here, and besides, unless I took up nursing back home, my education there means nothing here, or if it means any at all, the possibility that employers will be impressed by that degree is nil."

"That sucks man." he said

"Yeah, sucks big time. But you know what, that's why I'm studying again, so I could eventually do something that I really like, something that stimulates the mind, not this job - serving food and washing the dishes..."

"Why don't you take up nursing? They need nurses around here." Er- there goes that question again. I've been asked that question, like, a million times or so.

I wanted to say that it's because I'm a deviant, I take the road less travelled. I do not conform to what most of the society is doing.

I wanted to say I wanted to do something different...

"The pay is good you know. Nurses get as much as $37 an hour. That's a lot.", he goes on.

I wanted to say I really don't care about the money, or how much more I get paid if I become a nurse. I wanted to say I want to do something I know I would really enjoy, and care less about money.

But I didn't say that. Because I am envisioning the future, and knowing me, and how fickle I am, I might just take the road frequently travelled. I might just eat my words, when eventually, this idealist in me fades, and the more practical side of me shows up.

So my answer, " Ask me that question again a year from now, and I might just tell you that I am taking up nursing."

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Room Disaster

My room is a total mess!

I swear, a snake could be living here right now.

I know I should clean my room, as in NOW, but man, I am just too lazy to do anything.

I'll do it next week, or maybe not.

I'll just leave it a mess. Maybe my mom will clean it. Hehe

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Flattery, Flattery...

There's nothing like a nice compliment to make your dreary day become bright again....

Today, I woke up at the wrong side of the bed. I was grumbling and groaning that I'm too sleepy to work. I told my mom, Can I please just call out just this one time? But of course I didn't. I still went to work.

Anyway, at the hospital, while I was pushing my cart to go to my assigned dining area, a cutie nurse smiled at me, I smiled back then went on my way.

But then he called out to me:

cutie nurse: hey

I turned to look at him

cutie nurse: are you related to someone here?
me: yeah, my brother works here... he's the tall guy in two west
cutie nurse: how old is he?
me: 18
cutie nurse: no, not him, he's older
me: my dad works here too
cutie nurse: you walked with him a couple of days ago?
me: yeah
me: Why? Do I look like him?
cutie: yup. exactly like him. but he's a short guy, right?
me: uh, no, he's not that tall, but he's not short either. maybe around 5'8"
cutie nurse: oh. hmmm... wrong guy
I just smiled at that
cutie nurse: anyway...
cutie nurse: wats your name?
me: i'm joyce
cutie nurse: my name's jason
me: hey, nice meeting you
cutie nurse: you know, you're so pretty, very pretty.

I know I should've just said thank you for that compliment. But you know what I did? I laughed. Hehe. Me? Pretty? I looked terrible this morning. My eyes were probably a little puffy from lack of sleep, I have a bad-hair day, and yet he told me I'm pretty. Talk about bull.

But that compliment made my day a little better, that, and the fact that he's not bad-looking either.

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According to this:

I'm a rock star.

I'm an optimist.

I'm pretty tame.

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The Continous Monotony of Life

Woke up at five thirty in the morning.

Took a quick shower.

Blow-dryed my hair.

Ate breakfast.

Went to work.

Set up cart.

Served the food.

Had lunch.

Smiled to the residents.

Went home.

Turned on the computer.

Read blogs.

Checked emails.

Slept.

Woke up.

Ate dinner.

Slept again.

grr. How boring can I get????


***

"You're such a sweet girl, Joyce"

This coming from Greer, a CNA at the nursing home I work for.

Yeah, that's me. Such a sweet little girl.

But I don't want to be sweet no more.

I want to be tough... and mean... and sarcastic... and flippant... and all the things that do not comprise the word sweet. And girl. hay.

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Woohoo!

WE watched my cousins play basketball in Philly today. They are part of the Filipino Community Basketball League.

Man oh man, they were awesome!

We won by one point by sheer luck and determination.

The opponents were really very tall, and my cousins pale in comparison. But what they lack in height, they more than made up with speed and vigor.

The opponents were leading by ten points with only less than two minutes left of the game. Thankfully, luck was on our side, and the opponents kept messing up their game.

With only seven seconds left, our team caught up. The score was 51-52, in favor of the opponents. But then Paul, my cousin, did a fabulous two-pointer. By that time, I was really screaming at the top of my lungs, cheering wildly.

The opponents tried to shoot with only three seconds left, and voila, they failed... and WE WON!!!

I ran at the center of the court towards my sweaty cousins and gave them all a high-five.

I never thought we would win that game because never once did my cousins lead.

Man, who says height matters??!!

My voice actually got hoarse from all that screaming and cheering.

Reminds me of the college days when we were rooting for the golden tigers.

***
Queen of sidestepping

THE nurse asked me out again today. Twice. Once in the morning...

nurse: So, when are we going out?
me: I don't know. When are you available?
nurse: I am always available.
me: Hmmm. we'll see

Then I changed the topic. hehe

... and once at lunch:
Nurse: hey, do you want to watch a movie tonight?
me: Oh! I'd love to... Oh, wait I can't!
Nurse: Why not?
me: My brother's playing basketball tonight. I'm going to watch him.
( He actually looked disappointed I swear!)
Nurse: Oh...
me: yeah... uhm, maybe next time?
Nurse: yeah, sure, next time.

Ooh, temptation, keep away from me! I'm trying to be faithful here...

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Great Party and then some

The surprise party was great fun.

Vincent was really surprised, and Kinda' close to tears because he was touched. No one noticed but me, but hey he's my brother, so I know. Hehe

We had a bunch of laughs.

Since he is 18 now, he is officially a grown man...

And so, guess what my aunties and uncles gave him? Well, they know him too well...

They gave him condoms, gummy boobs, black briefs. It was hilarious when he opened those gifts. He got money too. Lucky him.

We did a lot of dancing tonight too. So I guess I lost another couple of pounds. Wahoo!

Want to say more, but I'm really beat. Ciao.

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Surprise, surprise!

We're giving Vincent a surprise birthday party today. It was his birthday last Sept. 16 and we're celebrating it today.

He doesn't know about the party. Well, duh, that's why it's called a surprise! Beh

Anyway, I'm preparing for a pig-out tonight. I am so hungry.

Well, I'm going now... Major pig-out here I come!

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Movie Marathon

I was a walking zombie earlier at work today. I had only a few hours of zzzz's and I still wanted to crawl back on my bed, but my obligations beckoned me to the hospital.

And so the result? I could barely keep my eyes open while working.

But hey, at least I survived.

***
Vincent, Iris and I went to King's apartment last night, amid the turbulence going outside brought on by Isabela.

We had a movie marathon right at their own home.

We watched Daredevil, Malibu something (a comedy) and The Ring.

Daredevil is pretty good but we didn't get to finish viewing it. Oh well. I'll watch the movie next time. Malibu is okay, but really not that good. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but they kinda' proved how different the worlds of black people are from the white. It was supposed to be a comdey, and I must admit that I laughed hard at some of the scenes, but I think the movie is kinda' discriminatory or something.

I don't know. Maybe it was just me.

Anyway, Tim, (Alen's friend) drove as home around midnight. That explains why I was so sleepy at work today.

Funny thing is, we were safely cocooned at their apartment, that it was kind of a shock for me to see, when we went home, that some of the streets were flooded. I didn't know the storm was THAT bad.

***
When news reports said that there will be a hurricane, I thought it was a twister thing or something. Didn't know it was just some ordinary typhoon. The kind we always get in the Philippines. Feh. I am so used to that. Even wondered why they were so scared.

That was nothing.

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On regret

Last night, I told a long time friend my little secret, a secret I had been hiding for so long. Now I wish I hadn't told him.

Because I don't want him to regret things that are supposed to have happened but didn't. For me, it's a moot point anyway. It's part of the past, something we can't do anything about because the present and the future are different now.

Okay, I won't say anything more about the subject because he begged me not to post this on my blog, which is really unfair since he posted it on his blog.

But hey, he's my friend, so I'm shutting my mouth now. Zip.

***
Classes are suspended tonight.

Because of this.

I know I shouldn't be happy that classes are suspended, but I am. I need the rest.

***
What I did today

I think I had become addicted to this blog thing. I swear, I had been reading blogs all day long. Hehe

Okay, what else did I do today?

Hmmm... I slept at four in the morning. Sue me. I was enjoying chatting with Aaron. He's hilarious. Hehe

He slept around 330 am. Made me a little guilty because he had to wake up early and go to school. But the gulit didn't last long. I had fun.

And, it's about time I have fun around here.

Even told him I haven't laughed for so long. Well, I'm just glad to have someone who could make me forget how I hate this place.

***
I also had a chat with King, Jeff, my baby and JP.,

Er, my fingers are still hurting from typing too much.

***
My baby also called me today. Three times.

On one hand, I am very happy to hear his voice coz I really miss him so goddamn much. But on the other hand, I'm worried coz I wonder how much his telephone bill would amount to once he receives it.

Oh well.

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Random thoughts

I was slipping for a while there. But you held me firmly and kept me rooted on the ground.

Thank you.

***
If trusting too much is a sin, my soul is probably burning in hell right now.

***
Hide Little Girl

Go. Run as fats as your legs can take you. Hide. Hide form the shadows that haunt you. Step out of that dark abyss you've gotten yourself into.

You don't deserve this. It's not your fault.

No, it's not just your demented imagination working. This is real. It really is happening.

Don't blame yourself. Repeat this mantra inside your head: It's not my fault. I do not deserve any blame for this. It's not my fault... It's not my fault... It's not my fault...

As you go to sleep at night, tears freely falling from your eyes, you whisper these words:"Mommy, daddy, can you cloak me in the safety of your arms tonight? I am scared, frightened of what is happening. Hopeless because I don't know what to do about it... numb, chilled to the bones..."

But they don't hear you. Because you choose to keep your mouth shut.

You curl up in a tight ball, your knees almost touching your chin. The comforter draped over your head.

The air is warm. But you are cold. You can't control the shivers that rack your whole body. You can even hear the sound of your teeth chattering and your labored breathing...

You have two choices... hide or face the music.

Which will it be?

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Baby,

It was a good cry.

One that has left me weak for one moment, but the next moment revitalized my spirit and my strength.

Thank you baby for listening. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for giving those unsolicited advices that helped me somewhat calm my fears.

Thank you for burning those long-distance telephone lines with me and never minding the insurmountable bills to be paid later.

***

I gripe and gripe about missing things, the constant changing I am going through, feeling sorry for myself, not realizing on the other side of the world, you are dealing with your own resistance to change.

I never realized how selfish I was. I'm sorry baby.

Let's take solace in knowing that no matter the distance, no matter the time, two things remain the same - I have you and you have me.

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Things that I miss so much

When you're alone, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company, things get to randomly fleet to your subconscious...

Like today, I thought of all the things I miss back home.

I miss my high school friends, Ivy, Myla, Riegel, Xavier, Tina, Jay, Vince, Xzymon, Wamcy, Pie, Gors, PJ...

I miss hanging out with them...

I miss going to Myla's house, swimming in their pool, splashing around, having fun, drinking gin pomelo, catching up with each other's lives, laughing, crying....

I miss my former dormmates at Mo. Rita Ladies Dormitory: Sugar, Therese, Sasa, Tina, Jules, Nai...

I miss staying up till the wee hours of the morning, playing charades, playing pusoy dos, sneaking a drink or two upstairs, telling each other's deepest darkest secrets, exchanging ghost stories, scaring ourselves silly, going to the mall, dancing all night long, staying at Wendy's coz we got locked out of the dorm, staying out way past our curfew, hanging out at the field, watching the soccer players practice their game, hanging out at the Coffee Indulgence, sipping my choco-banana shake, strolling at the Benavides Park, not minding that we got termed as "the notorious bunch of the dormitory"...

I miss going to Sasa's condo unit, going to the rooftop, seeing the whole of Manila, lying on the floor, staring at the sky, figuring out what the clouds look like, sharing our hopes and dreams, keeping quiet, contemplating about life...

I miss my journalism classmates and friends...

I miss Cherry, JP, John, Naya, Kim...

I miss JP's famous one-liners. I miss laughing so hard when he cracks a joke or two. I even miss them telling me how slow I am to catch on the joke, like when they're laughing, and I'd be like What the heck is funny?, and then after ten minutes or so or when the conversation gets serious, I'd suddenly crack up and tell them, "You know the joke you told me ten minutes ago? I got it now. That was funny!"

I miss hanging out at my boarding house with Jeannette, Shef, Wacqs, Papa Dions, Mang Peming, Dengas, Jeff...

I miss the Saturday nights' tambay at the dorm, with Dennis strumming his guitar, the rest of us singing, sometimes out of tune (me, mostly), drinking gin pom or tanduay, belting out our song (corny as it may sound) "Kung tayo'y matanda na, sana'y di tayo magbago... Kailanman, nasaan man, ito ang pangako ko..."

I miss Wacqs' endless monologues... about wrestling, UAAP, work, etc...

I miss going out with him, watching a movie, walking along UST, eating at Food Corner, pigging out on Manang's famous isaw, walking along Dangwa, laughing at the flower vendor's usual line - "Pa-arrange po kayo ng flowers? Kasal?"

I miss going to the Paskuhan, getting free food courtesy of Kenny Roger's,oohing and ahhing at the fireworks display, gasping at the beautiful giant Christmas tree, hoping and praying to win at the raffle draw...

I miss my college professors: Sir Lito's endless monologue, Sir Kiko's-ala-James-Bond imitation, Sir Roque's heart melting smile, and heck, I even miss Sir Jere! (although only God knows why).

There are so many things that I miss, even a whole blog page can't contain.

But, all that it comes down to, I can summarize in five words - I miss having a life!

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My special thanks

Thanks to the following:

To Aaron (pronounced as Erin)

You are undoubtedly the world's greatest genius! And I'm posting this blog so the world can know too.

If it weren't for you, malamang asa kangkungan na ang blog ko. Haha. Corny.

Pero, pare, seriously, thank you so much for your big help. I dunno how you can withstand my pangungulit, esp that I had just met you, pero thanks, as in super! I owe you one.

Ask me any favor, and whatever it is, it will be granted!

You want pizza?????? :-)

To Gabby:

Thank you too for your help. I owe you one. My template is so cute, thanks to you! :-)

***
FYI:

Gabby is a former classmate in college. He is a great writer. As in. Just check out his blog - subarbanwit.blogspot.com , and you'll know why.

I just met Aaron last August 31, on his cousin's birthday. And although, I haven't known him that long, I can see that he is a great person (d i2 bola dahil ginawa nya blog ko - er, well, slightly).

***

There's one thing I've realized today. Well, actually I already know this. But they just confirmed it for me.

When boys meet, all they can talk about is S-E-X.

I swear. They are terrible.

Oh well, what can I expect. They are boys after all.

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Last night, while I was reading one of my books in school, I had a sudden panic attack...

What am I getting myself into?

I swear, as I looked at the one thousand pages or so, I asked myself, Am I sure of what I'm doing?


I was sure that panic attack wouldn't last.

But it stayed with me up till now.

Yikes!

Email me at : blueblink1382@yahoo.com

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According to...

...The Spark's Personality Test, I am a dreamer...

Figures...

see what they say about me...

Like just 11% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex.

Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you

Is that good or is that bad? :?

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A male nurse walked up to me this morning...

Nurse: Let me see that smile of yours...

I smiled at him.

Nurse: Do you know, you make my day when I see you smile?

Aww! Isn't he sweet?

Nurse: Do you always smile at everybody?
me: yeah, i usually do. why?
Nurse: Oh, I thought it was just me...
me: Hmm... don't worry, I do have a special smile reserved for you

Uhm, joyce? are u flirting? Haha. Maybe I am.

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Man, I don't feel too good today.

I don't know why.

I guess it must be something in the cold air that made me so depressed.

I mean, I usually love to babble. But now, I'm staying quiet.

I don't even have the energy to write this blog, much less edit it, but I'll try.

Hay. What is wrong with me?

Hay. I do know what's wrong with me.

And that hurts.

Couln't even force a smile out of me even if I try. Which I won't do coz I don't have the energy.

I went to school feeling good about life, then I went home so down.

Oh life. What a bummer.

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I used to say that I didn’t believe in forever.

Just ask my ex. Every time he tells me that he hopes our relationship would last forever, I would tell him point-blank that I don’t believe in forever. Anything can happen between now and forever.

And I was right, or I wouldn’t call him my ex now.

But damn, HE makes me want to believe in forever now. And I’m afraid I’m falling further into a trap I had promised myself never to fall into.

This scares me. He scares me.

But I’m happily scared. I’m giddily scared.

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I found out something about myself last night.

I have the ability to block out everything around me once my imagination comes running full-time.

I forget everything that surrounds me while I'm drifting away to la-la-land.

Oftentimes, it's favorable for me, like when a friend talks non-stop, and I get tired of listening to her, I'd let my mind wander someplace else. When she sees me smiling, she'd think it was because of something she said. What she didn't know is that I was thinking of something else. Hehe. I am bad, huh?

But sometimes, it really is an annoying ability because just last night while I was sitting on the back row of the classroom, bored out of my wits because the professor kept yakking and yakking about stuff I already know, and as it always happens, my mind just wandered out of space. Next thing I knew, al my classmates were all looking at me, seemingly waiting for something, and I stared at the professor with a blank look on my face, and I was like - 'huh?'.

Er, that was embarrassing. Made me look like I'm dumb or something. Oh well.

But man, if that professor wasn't so boring, I wouldn't have drifted off... ryt?


***

I think I made the right decision when I enrolled in the Paralegal program. I am grateful at my dad for pushing me into enrolling in the program.

I really like one of my professors. She's a lawyer, specializing in family matters.

She's good.

Anyway, I don't know if she's a good lawyer, but she teaches well.

And I like her.

I learned a lot from her today.

This early on, I know that this is one of the many ventures in my life that I won't look upon with regret.


***

Someone from work asked me out yesterday. He told me, if I want, we could go to Philly... and go to a museum. Strange. No one had ever taken me to a museum, except maybe when I was in high school on a field trip.

***

It's getting colder and colder in here.

Beh. I am so not used to the cold.

Man, I came from a tropical country.

If this weather keeps up, I'll have to sneak under my covers to keep warm. I am never going out.

Brrr.


***

I heard the song "leaving on a jet plane" three times today. Twice while I was serving breakfast, and for good measure someone played it again while I was serving lunch.

Torture. Pure unadulterated torture.

Why didn't they just stick a knife on me? That would be much better than the pain brought on by that damn song.

Oh man. I gotta move on...

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Damn. I'm getting bald.

Shit.

No kidding.

It all started when I had my hair relaxed.

That was two years ago.

I used to have strong, thick and shiny hair.

Now, its getting thinner... and thinner... and thinner.

I'm panicking now.

Everyday, as I brush my hair, twenty or more strands fall. And that's everytime I brush my hair.

So imagine, in one month, more than six hundred strands of hair fall from my head.

Man, oh man. What do I do now?

I don't wanna get bald!

Help!

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Some of my college classmates wanted to go here, or anywhere abroad.

If they only knew...

While they are concocting plans of living anywhere in the United States, I am dreaming of returning back home...

My dad, Vincent and I were just talking about it a while ago...

People think America is heaven.

Is it?

From my perspective, now that I am actually living here, I would say the Philippines is much more heaven on earth.

I don't know.

Maybe give me a few more years and I might look at America in a different light...

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I almost bawled like a baby when I was serving breakfast to my residents earlier this morning.

The reason? I heard the first strums of the song Leaving on a Jet Plane, and it brought back memories of the night I was about to leave my Monologue man...

Damn. I am pathetic.

I actually felt the tears welling in my eyes while I was scooping up scrambled eggs and sticky bun. I blinked fast to keep the tears at bay. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of the nurses.

So I smiled. I pretended everything was fine. I pretended nothing was wrong.

But inside my head, memories just came flooding back, like a stream of water come gushing forth.

I wanted to tell the nurses to turn off the damn radio, or change it to another frequency... But I didn’t.

And so, the melancholic voice of the singer reached out deep inside, letting the memories surface from the deep... The lyrics touched a cord and hit me square in the face...

“So kiss me and smile for me... tell me that you’ll wait for me. Hold me like You’ll never let me go... I’m leaving on a jet plane. I don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh babe, I hate to go...”

Yes, he did tell me he’ll wait for me. I remembered it so well... I just didn’t think I believed him though...

I mean, in the real world, how can you wait for someone who doesn’t even know when she’ll come back?

I didn’t give him empty promises. When he asked me when I’ll come back, I looked him in the eye, tears freely falling... I couldn’t answer him...I let the silence speak for itself. And I know right then he knew.

But this dreamer in me, hopes and prays to high heavens that he will indeed wait for me... for however long it takes...

“...when I come back I’ll wear your wedding ring...”

Will I? Damn. I wish I wasn’t such a pessimist.

But I know, no matter what I say, there is still something inside of me, even though it may be just a teeny little bit part, that hopes, and wishes and prays that Ours would last forever, no matter the distance, no matter the time.

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Early in the morning I woke up to an excruciating pain in my abdomen. I thought 'shit! not again!'.

This always happens to me once a month. And every month I dread it. It hurts too goddamn much. I swear.

I curled up in a tight ball, my knees almost touching my chin, cold sweat dripping from my forehead, my eyes closed tightly, my world spinning.

I kept telling myself 'this will pass soon... I know it will...Please God let this pass soon...'

But it didn't.

I heard my mom moving around her room. I called out to her.

I couldn't bear it anymore.

As she wen to get tylenol, I ran to the bathroom and vomitted on the toilet bowl. Eew.

Before mom made me drink my medicine, she made me eat at least one piece of toast. I begged her to just give me the damn tylenol. But no, she held her ground. And so, I ate the damn toast, amid the unbearable pain. The taste made me want to go back to the bathroom again. But I didn't.

Satisfied that I had at least eaten something, she gave me the tylenol.

Then there was peace...

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My old computer got the worm virus, that's why i didn't have the chance to post my blogs for more than two weeks - that, and i was also kinda' busy. But i'm back now with a vengeance! gosh! i miss writing so much.

***

Something funny happened to me yesterday afternoon. I was tired from work so I went to sleep as soon as I got home. When I woke up, I noticed that there was still light in my room. I looked at my clock and it read 6:25. I was really surprised. I bolted from my bed and found my dad reclining in the sofa watching TV. I was really pissed off...

me: Why didn't you wake me up?!!!!!!!!!!!
dad: huh?
me: Why didn't you wake me up?!
dad:why?
me: u know i have work today! now i am so late! what will i tell my supervisor now?!
dad: u didn't tell me -
me: didn't u know?! it is tuesday! its not my off!
dad: what are u talking about? it's monday, 6:30 pm!

Red faced, I quickly went to my room, the sound of my dad's laughter following me. hehe. For a moment I thought it was morning. That was really funny.

***

I think my big crush on Duran is wearing off...

He found out that I have a crush on him and my bigmouth co-worker told him...

At first I didn't know how to face him, coz I am a little conservative.

But now, the thrill is gone...

I don't know why...

I guess the feelings had faded...

I am so fickle...

***

People from work keep asking me if I like it here already.

And I keep saying I'm still adjusting...

Honestly speaking, I don't know if I like it here yet. I guess I'm still neutral on this. I neither like it nor hate it.

Unlike Vincent who really hates this place. He says he wants to go back to the Philippines.

And I keep telling him, that in time he would begin to like it....I don't know if he believes me though.


***

There are times when I also want to go home...

When I hear the longing in my Monologue man's voice...

When he begs me to come home...

When he tells me he misses me so much...

When he tells me he loves me...

When I hear the loneliness in his voice...

When I wanted to eat green mangoes with bagoong...

When I want to eat ripe mangoes...

When I reminisce my college life...

When I read my friends' emails and realized how much fun they're having there...

When I feel so cold here...

When I hear my sisters' voices...

When I get really tired from work...

When I can barely walk coz my feet hurts too damn much...

When I think about my friends...

When I enter our small aprtment and long for our big house and garden...

When I think of my dog, Chinky...

***

There are also times when I'm glad I am staying here...

When I go out and see how clean and green it is...

When I see no traffic on the road...

When I turn on TFC and see the news from the Philippines....

When I hear how our economy is falling apart because of the government's endless political struggle and propaganda...

When I bought my own computer ( a feat I know I could never have done in the Philippines)

When I thought of owning my own car... a BMW..

When I get my paycheck...

When I talk to Harry...

When I hang out with my new friends...

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