I rarely get angry. People would say I have the sweetest disposition. And when I do get angry, it won't last for more than an hour. Usually, an apology would do the trick.

But now, you see, this is the longest I've been angry with a person. One week is already a record for me.

This time, I got really angry because I had been accused of doing something I didn't do. I was angry, and at the same time I was hurt too. I was hurt because this person just laughed off my anger as if it didn't make sense that I was angry. And I was made to look like a liar too.

And because of this, I may have said some things really nasty out of anger. Things that I didn't really mean. Things that were said out of spite, to intentionally hurt that person as much as he had hurt me.

You see, Lester, I know you too well. And I know just the right things to say to hurt your ego. And I did say those things because I know how hurt you would be.

I'm not saying sorry for calling you an arrogant jerk for I meant it when I said that. But I'm sorry for calling you those other things I wrote here in my blog. Those I didn't mean. Those were just said out of anger, out of hurt, and out of revenge.

I'd let it slide that you just called me a slut. I know (and hope) you really didn't mean that.

How has our friendship been reduced to this? Trading insults left and right? I thought our friendship was much stronger than that. I was wrong.

Let's set this straight, once and for all... what we had was over a long time ago. Didn't you tell me that? I guess you need a reminder too, huh? It had been over a long long time ago. So let's not make any assumptions anymore, alright? What we had was great. Let's leave it at that. End of story.

I'm happy for you now. Honestly I am. You know, earlier while I was driving home, I looked at the sky and saw a shooting star. I made a wish... I wished for you to be happy...as I know you are. But more than that, I also wished that your happiness would remain for a long, long time... hindi yung panandalian lamang. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I think I've said it all. Although, I don't think things would be the same again. Not by a long shot. Some things would be hard to forget, wounds cut too deep takes time to heal, and friendships broken are hard to mend.

See you around Lester...

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Pardon me my friends. But I find that these days I am not in the mood to write anything.

This is just a phase I know I will have to go through. But it will pass, I hope.

So, I'm taking a rest from the blogging world once again.

Sorry Mags, I know you said reading my blog has been a part of your daily routine now. But I just can't summon my joy in being able to write my thoughts here anymore. AT least not for now.

Sa totoo lang, tinatamad lang talaga ako. Hehe

But I'll be back I promise. :)

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I'm not gonna call the Immigrations Office. That was just my anger talking. Of course I wouldn't do that. There are so many TNT Filipinos working where the girl works. I wouldn't risk them getting found out. What do you guys take me for? Hehe. And I'm not that mean. I swear. I'm a good girl. :)

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I still can't over what a jerk he is! The nerve of that man! I'm still seething with anger right now.

Grr. Are all men typically like that? If they are, I don't wanna meet any other guy again on this planet.

What a total, total jerk!

I remember telling him that I don't get mad, I get even. Huh. he should be scared now. He hasn't tasted Joyce's wrath yet. He hasn't seen anything like my revenge yet.

Right now, I'm thinking of calling the Immigrations office and report the girl since she's working here illegally. Tempting, tempting. Let me see you smile after I did that you jerk.

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I know you read my blog. So enjoy my letter to you. You deserve every word I write. You can even print this out to remind you what a jerk you are.

First of all, let me say this again and again and again so it could (hopefully) penetrate through your thick skull... I never followed you that day when I saw you with your girl sitting outside Dunkin Donuts. Whatever gave you that idea that I followed you? And in the first place, why would I follow you? Who do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think that you're so handsome, that I'm so into you that I would follow you and spy on you to have a look at this girl you're dating? Duh?! What do you take me for? Get a hold of yourself jerk. Hindi lahat ng babae patay na patay sayo. I'm not even remotely like your ex-girlfriend Maria alright?

Second, when you told me you don't want any trouble. What did you mean? Trouble coming from me when I saw the two of you? Again, you are being very very arrogant my dear. Beleive me, first of all, I am a very educated person. I wouldn't go runnning there and smack your girlfriend straight in the face just because she's with you. I do have manners you know. Baka ikaw gagawin mo yun, pero ako hindi. I was taught well by my parents, and in school. May I remind you that I came from a fine university. Baka makalimutan mo e. And second, palagay mo ba gagawin ko tlaga yun? Bakit feeling mo patay na patay ako sa yo? Again, as I said I am not Maria. Let me make that clear again, baka hindi mo maintindihan e. I AM NOT MARIA.

And third, I was so wrong about you. I honestly thought you were my friend. I was wrong. Oh my god. Sobrang makapal ang mukha mo and masyado kang nagfi-feeling. Get over yourself my dear. Tgnan mo nga sarili mo sa salamin, and tell me what you got na hahabul-habulin ko? Wala. Nothing. Nada. The only thing you got, and this is even so superficial and shallow, is your precious BMW. Aside from that, wala na. No looks, no brains, nothing.

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Don't you just hate women who forbid their boyfriends to call their friend, who incidentally is a girl, just because they're insecure?

I mean, duh, they're ruining friendships!

I never did that to any of my ex-boyfriends. I never forbade them to gain contact with their exes. I just know that if he really loves you, then you really have nothing to fear.

Come to think of it, I'm not really the jealous type. I mean, I know I'm not beautiful, but that doesn't make me insecure to other women. That's just being immature.

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Kailangan bang lahat ng babae dumaan sa ganito? Grr. I'm a pathetic loser. I'm listening to a song right now that reminds me so much of this certain person. And I feel lonely tuloy. But I keep listening to it, over and over and over and over again.

Kill me now why don't you? Take me out of my misery. Please lang. Para magising na ko.

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So, yeah I had already given up on love. But that doesn't mean I can't flirt with guys right?

Hehe. I just got to write this down. Sobrang kinilig ako kanina e. Oh my gosh. I just can't get over how cute this Filipino guy I met from school. Hunk na, sobrang bait pa.

Nagkita-kita kami ng mga friends ko after school. E syempre andun sya. His name's Christian by the way. E ayun, nung paalis na ako, as in tumalikod na ko sa kanila papunta sa kotse ko, he caught up with me and he talked to me.

E yung mga cars namin asa opposite side. Wehehe! Kilig naman ako. I swear I must've been blushing, kasi there's something about the way he looks at me na sobrang kakakilig.

Or maybe it was just my imagination.

Heck, I don't care. Gusto ko lang naman i-prove na I'm still human afterall. Kasi akala ko I completely lost my attraction to other guys, kasi sa sobrang dami na ng nag-ask out sa akin, wala akong nagustuhan kahit isa sa kanila. Pero with Christian, it's different. It helped na super cutie sya. hehe

Unfortunately for me, I won't get to see him and talk to him for 2 months. He's only here for his college education, and every year he goes back home to the Philippines. So next week, uwi muna siya ng Pilipinas and then ang balik nya ay sa last week of August pa.

Grr. Out of sight, out of my mind pa naman ako.

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Hilarious!

I was asking my friend from work about this song from U2 that I like but I forgot the title, I forgot the lyrics, I forgot the melody. For the life of me, I couldn't remember anything from the song, but I was sure I liked the song before and I kept singing that when I was in college.

Anyway, I gave him clues, things that I could remember from the song.

First, I said, "It's about how life is good and all..."

Second, I said, "I think the title of the song is just one word. Yeah, I know for sure it was just one word."

Then third, I proceeded to hum some kinda' melody.

But still we can't think of that particular song.

So when I went home, the first thing I did was search for all the songs of U2, because I don't want to lose some sleep trying to remember that song.

And guess what? I found it alright. But all my clues were wrong. It wasn't about how life was good and all. The title isn't only one word. Actually, it's more of nine words. Stuck in the Moment You Can't Get Out Of. That's the song.

***
Ang babaw ko! I swear tawa ako ng tawa nung nakita ko yung lyrics nung song!

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You know, the thing I like most about living here in New Jersey is that you can roll down your car windows while driving and never having to worry that you'll inhale air pollution - coz there isn't any.

It's like every crook and cranny of the place is filled with trees. It's nice. I hear that you have to have permission from the government (or whoever) before you can cut down trees. Isn't that cool?

I remembered one time back in my hometown, I cried in frustration when I saw that they had cut down this beautiful tree that used to stand in the heart of the city. It was such a beautiful, beautiful old tree and they cut it down for no reason at all. NO REASON AT ALL. Can you believe that? What were they thinking? I guess one thing that we should learn from Americans is to love our environment. Sadly, I think that's lacking for us Filipinos. I think that we just don't care.

***
This has nothing to do with what I wrote above, but this line touched me the most while I was watching Saved by the Bell:

"Sometimes the truth hurts, but in the long run lies hurt even more."

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I'm not pregnant, but lately I find myself crying at the sappiest commercials, at the simplest movies and at craziest TV programs.

Case no. 1

I went out last Friday with my friend John to watch a movie. We were supposed to watch Shrek 2, unfortunately, it wasn't showing anymore to the movie theater we went to. So we watched 13 Going on 30 instead. I like the movie. I think that Jennifer Garner is cute. She portrayed her part well. (Sorry, I suck at giving movie reviews.) Anyway, at the end of the movie wherein Matt (played by Mark Ruffalo) was about to get married to this girl and Jenna tried to stop him but finds out that she couldn't, then she started to cry, then she said something along these lines, "I'm crying because I'm happy for you... honestly I'm okay. I'm just happy for you" (not the exact lines, but it was something like that. I started to cry too. John was laughing at me. He said that I cry too easily. It's just that I heard those lines before. I even used them myself. I guess those lines just triggered memories I tried to forget already.

Case no. 2

I borrowed my friend's VCD of Milan. You know that Filipino movie starring Claudine and Piolo? Okay, so call me jologs. Whatever. But I was crying when I watched that movie. As in deep sobs that left me weak afterwards. I don't know why. I didn't even like the love story between Claudine and Piolo. I didn't even like the story, for god's sakes but still I was crying so hard while watching it. I guess it's got something to do with missing home and that I can relate so much to what the characters are experiencing in the movie. Maybe because I know that what they showed is really happening because I've seen that happen in real life here in the States.

Case no. 3

I bought this DVD on sale at Wal-Mart's, titled Music From Another Room. And you guessed it. I cried (again!) while watching the movie at home. I guess that movie brought out the romantic in me, and made me believe, even for just a few minutes, in destiny and love. I guess the tears are for wondering if I'll ever meet the one really destined for me and for wondering if I'll ever let myself fall in-love again.

I'm pathetic aren't I? I am such a crybaby.

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These days I find that I'm not in the mood to write anything. Writer's block siguro. Whatever. Anyway, these are pictures from Atlantic City. Went with my cousins, friend and brother.


Me, reminiscing!


Ella, JP. Mag and me

Me and Mag

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Call me neurotic or whatever... but do I really want to change blog? Parang d ko ata kaya. Grabe, masyado ata akong masentimyento. haha. D ko to kayang iwan! waaahhh!

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I had been meaning to do this for a long time now. But I never really had the guts to do it till now. I don't know why this tiny space in the internet meant so much to me. It's just a blog right?

But for me it's more than just a blog. This site contains scenes from my past, some I desperately wanted to forget already, but I can't seem to. Maybe by holding on to this site, I'm also holding on to the past.

But I find that like everything else in this world, I have to let go now. Things have changed already. I know I had changed. I'm not the same girl I used to be.

Life happened, I guess.

I used to see people in rose-tinted glasses. Nothing's wrong with that. Nothing's wrong in seeing only the good things in people. But I now realized not everyone is perfect. And you will meet people who will forever change the course of your life, whether you like it or not. You will meet those people who are meant to hurt you in order for you to grow.

And I did grow. I grew up into this girl I barely recognize myself. I don't know if I like it, the change I mean. But I've changed and I've got to accept that.

SO with all the changes happening in my life, I guess I now have to leave the past, instead of living it. The past is dead already. I have to leave this blog now. It will now be a part of my past. A past I desperately wanted to forget. And I know someday I will forget it.

So, goodbye to this tiny space in the internet. You had been there to see me through all my rantings and pain. And I know I would never have made it through if not for you. To you can I only express myself, all the hurt, everything.

But I have to go now. I have to go leave you because too many people already knew about you. People who I don't want to know about you less I have to censor the things I say. And I don't want to do that. This is my journal and I don't want to ever have to watch what I say less I have to hurt these people with the things I write. (Not that I write anything bad about them, but still.)

Although I'm really not leaving the blogging world. Hell no. A blog keeps my world sane even for just a few hours. I'm just going to another site, different address.

So to all the people who takes time to read what I have to say, I hope to see you all there on my other space. Email me at blueblink1382@yahoo.com and I'll give y'all the new address. :) see ya there.

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