I want to die soon.

But then I'm scared of death. And I'm scared of dying without leaving a legacy into this world.

When these dark thoughts of dying envelopes me, iniisip ko, sino nga ba ang iiyak kung mawawala ako dito sa mundo?

And I don't want to take the coward's way out. I would like to believe that I am strong.

And iniisip ko rin, sa dami ng problema dito sa mundo, sigurado meron pang may mas malaking problema keysa sa akin.

So what if you got your heart broken again and again and again? Do you know that in other parts of the world, they deal with bigger problems than that? Iraq deals with war. What can be bigger than that? Ano nga ba naman ang broken heart compared sa war sa Iraq? Or compared sa poverty?

I know my problems are inconsequential compared to the problems of the world. But then, the problems of the world seemed a little surreal for me because I'm not really a part of them. Hindi mismo ako ang nakaka-experience nun. Unlike with my problems now, I alone deal with them. So they may be trivial, but they seem to paralyze my whole being.

A ewan.

Maybe I'm just scared that this broken heart would go on forever and ever and ever. That I'd get used to always feeling this pain in my heart the moment I wake up and before I go to sleep, na maging normal na yun sa akin. I'm scared that I might forget how to love again. I'm scared that one day I'd be too scared to take risks again that I'll just fall into a rut, feeling miserable for the rest of my life. I'm so much scared of that. I read many stories of people who took many years to heal their broken hearts. And once more I become frightened of that possibility. I don't want to carry this pain in my heart over the years, hanggang sa pagtanda ko.

I'm afraid that I might become too jaded that I'll just give up on love. I'm scared that I won't recognize true love once it goes my way because fear blocks my sight.

A basta, I want to die soon. But not until after I leave a legacy into this world. Not until after I fulfilled all my dreams. Not until after I made a name for myself. Not until after I stood up and conquered my fear. Not until after some people live in regret for ever letting me leave their lives.