Happy Happy Happy!!!

Is it possible for a person to be happy as I am right now?

It seemed like a smile is forever etched on my face.

And everyone that surrounds me can see how I glow, and float in the air.

I can't stop smiling. I can't stop laughing. Everything that surrounds me seems so beautiful. Heck, even the weather is so beautiful, not too cold, not too hot. Everything is just so perfect. Nature is even conspiring with me.

Everything just seemed to have clicked in its rightful place.

And it all accounts to the work of this wonderful man. :)

(0) comments

I am so dead!

Got a peek at my phone bill for February.

And I almost fainted.

Let's just say that when I saw it, I used up all the profanities I could think of in the English language, as well as the Filipino language.

I'll never hear the end of it from my parents. Yikes!

I'll have to dig a hole for my own grave.

I need to hide!

(0) comments

On Cloud Nine

Last night my life made a sudden twist.

And I don't even feel an ounce of guilt.

But I know I can't be truly happy unless I tie up some loose ends. And that's what I'm gonna do. Soon.

(0) comments

Don't want to be sweet no more!

I wish I had learned at a young age how to say no.

I wish I could learn to refuse to do something I really don't want to do.

I wish that everybody would stop thinking that I'm a nice and sweet girl, and thus, abuse my niceness.

I wish I could learn to say what's really on my mind, what I'm really feeling, without being scared of hurting others' feelings.

I wish I could show people I'm angry when I'm really angry instead of just smiling and telling them I'm alright, that no, I'm not mad.

I wish I'm a stuck up bitch instead of a sweet girl.

I wish that I could let out my claws whenever I wanted to, instead of hiding them, and keeping them to myself.

I'm tired of people taking advantage of my sweetness. I'm tired of people taking advantage of me because they know I won't get mad.

And as Lester said, "I'm tired of being me."

I'm just plain tired of it.

You think they'll be shocked if I become a bitch for one day?

***
Nahihirapan na ako

How can you say goodbye to someone who refuses to let you go????????

***
I miss home

I miss it so much that I ache with it.

I miss having no responsibilities. I miss being the carefree girl I once was.

I miss the wide-eyed innocence of high school, and the explorative days of college.

I miss the late-night rendezvous with friends. I miss being loud and wide-awake till dawn.

I miss being idealistic. I miss dreaming.

Darn. I just miss home.

(0) comments

Help me, I'm confused

I know one day I'm going to regret my decision. I know one day when I look for him, I'll find out he's no longer there waiting. I know one day I'll look into his eyes and I won't see me there anymore. I know one day I'm gonna beat myself up for letting go of such a wonderful man.

That one day may come too soon, or that one day may come when I least expect it, and there wouldn't be anything I can do about it.

Last night was the hardest night of my life. Hardest yes, but I actually felt relief afterwards. It's like one big burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

But why would anyone stay in a relationship when one's not happy anymore? Why would you stay when you ceased to dream for the two of you for a long time now? Why would anyone force it to work out when one feels it's not working out anymore?

Twice in this lifetime I had hurt someone. Twice I had hurt myself too. Twice I had cried in regret because hurting someone is the last thing I wanted to do. And twice I did what I had to do.

He told me he'd give me time to figure out what I really wanted to do. But doesn't he get it? I had made up my mind, and the time he's giving me makes it only even harder for me to say goodbye.

He thought I was crying because I don't want to let go. He was wrong. I was crying because I know that I am hurting him so much. He asked me if I still love him. Silence was my answer. Then I told him I don't know the answer to that question anymore.

I am crying right now because I feel that I am so cruel. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone.

(0) comments

I'm back

Apparently, I cannot stay away for so long. I miss blogging. I miss writing. So here I am... back... with a lot of stories to tell...

But where do I start? A lot of changes had happened in my life, that somehow I'm scared that one day I'll find that I'm only dreaming, and that one day I would lose so many precious things I treasure.

Changes... as the old cliche goes, change is the only constant thing in this world. Huh. Don't I know it. Sometimes I don't know if I should just sit back, and let the changes do their own thing, or if I should at least do something to stop these changes...

But then again, I don't want to stop these changes in my life. First time, after a long time, I find myself in high heavens once again, walking in cloud nine.

That's not so bad right, except that, with my nirvana nowadays, is one man's heartbreak.

I don't know what to do anymore. Somehow, I wish that I could turn back time and right all the things I did wrong in the past. I wish that I could have found the guts to do that one thing that has been nagging me for a long time now. But I know I can't turn back time, and I cannot control the changes that's happening in my life right now.

Friends urge me to do the right thing. If they only knew how hard it is for me to do the right thing. Afterall, how can you say goodbye to someone who's been loving you wholeheartedly, truthfully? What kind of a person dampens the hopes of a man so in-love with her? I don't want to be that kind of girl. But apparently that's the right thing to do... to say goodbye before I hurt him some more. But where do I find the guts? My friend told me to drink first, so I can find my dutch courage. Yeah well, one whole bottle of Tequila probably won't do it anyway.

(0) comments

This is not goodbye

This is the hardest thing I have to do... for blogging had been a major part of my life. This is where I let loose all my emotions. This blog had witnessed a lot in my life, esp. those months when I was undergoing such major changes.

But I have to set my priorities straight... and with that I have to leave for awhile.

It won't be long... at least not until I get my act together on some things.

This is not goodbye. I'll be back.

I'm gonna miss this...

(0) comments

Oh my god. I am so frustrated. I need a tutor quick! I hate Math. I hate Math. I hate Math. Grr.

Di ko alam kung marami lang bumabagabag sa kin ngayon, na marami lang akong iniisip kaya parang ang hirap mag-sink in nung assignment namin sa Chemistry, or kung sadya talagang mapurol na ang utak ko. Wag naman sana.

Honestly, I've spent almost three hours doing my assignment in Chemistry. And hindi pa ako tapos, marami pa akong iniskip na numbers, kasi d ko tlga alam gawin. It's frustrating. This is supposed to be easy for me, really. Mataas naman Math ko nung college a. Nakaka-uno pa nga ako nun a.

I hope this is just the result of a muddled mind. Hope this will pass soon. Ayoko mag-drop out.
***
Why do I keep on hurting people without meaning to? It seems that no matter what I do, no matter if I think it's for the best, I'd end up hurting people I love, thus in the process, I'm hurting myself too.

I thought I wouldn't cry. I thought this girl is tough. I was wrong. He was strong, and I wasn't. He took it well, and I didn't.

And now I'm drowning in my own misery.

How I wish ice cream would do it for me this time. For in the past, whenever I'm sad, or angry, or miserable, I'd just eat ice cream, and somehow I would feel a lot better. But this time, I've already finished almost a half gallon of ice cream, and still, here I am, still miserable.

No, we didn't say goodbye to each other. But I hurt him real bad. I know I did. With my seemingly endless questions, doubts and insecurities, I know I cut a knife through his heart. And I dimmed the light in his eyes. And I'm the cause of his tears.

(0) comments

What accounts for a Perfect Date?

Couldn't resist writing this post since Valentine's Day is around the corner. Sue me. I'm a hopeless romantic. Hehe

Don't worry, this won't be some cheesy post I'll be writing here (or isn't it?) Oh well, it's my blog, and I can write anything I want to. If you don't want to read it, no one's forcing you to...

Okay, so what accounts for a perfect date with me?

Simple really. Since I'm just a simple girl, very easy to please, very easy to put a smile on my face.

The perfect date for me is driving around, not knowing where to go, just following where the road leads us, buying take-out food (doesn't matter if it's just burger and fries and soda or something more fancy than that) then looking for a perfect spot where we can park the car, preferably somewhere elevated, with a perfect view (like seeing the whole city with their blinking lights, or a lake, or yeah, the sea, that would be nice too). If it's not cold outside, we'll lie on the grass, hold hands, look at the stars, and talk (among other things) all night long. But if it's freezing, we could just stay in the car, turn the heater on, watch the perfect view from outside, hold hands, listen to some slow music, and talk all night long.

Aww. Wouldn't that be nice? Just the two of us... no distractions, no pretentions.

BUT since my boyfriend isn't here, this would just be a fantasy waiting to be fulfilled at the right time.

***
Do I really love him? Honestly? Let's just say calling him everyday has turned out to be an obligation for me for a long time now...

***
Now I know why I didn't take up any science-related course when I was in college in the Philippines.

The science of life has never really fascinated me.

Who cares about covalent bonds, electrons, neutrons and protons? Who cares about the density of water, or about cations and anions? Who cares that zero degree celsius is equivalent to 32 degrees farenheit?

Biology bores me. Chemistry leaves me frustrated.

But heck, I have to take these two classes, in order to become, ahem, a nurse.

Honestly speaking, do I really need to learn all that? What do these two subjects have to do with nursing?

Okay... Okay... I know they are pretty important. Was just letting off some steam. Was too bored last night with my class, that's why.

***
Did I say I really love Friendster? Wihee, now I have contact with my high school crushie. The one I told you who's already married? That hottie. I didn't know he's a model in the Philippines. Figures. With that killer smile of his, and to-die-for body... whew!

***
Just wondering if I'm not too candid with him???? This is the first time in my life where I just say what's on my mind... where I don't leave a guy guessing on what I really feel. No, I'm not being too forward or aggressive or anything like that, after all, I would like to believe I'm still that conservative Filipina through and through... (and yes, we're just friends, no matter that other people think otherwise. Actually, to be honest, this friendship I have with him gives me relief coz there are no pressures or pretentions on both our sides) It's just that, maybe I'm very much at ease with him, that I just say what's on my mind. He's so easy to talk to that's why. I would like to believe he's the kind of guy, you can tell anything, and he wouldn't assume too much. I would like to believe that he takes what I say as what they really mean, and he wouldn't look for any underlying meaning behind my words (when, in fact, there really is no underlying meaning). I would like to believe I could be myself when I talk to him, and not worry later on what he thinks of me. This is what I see in him... and this is why, maybe I'm too candid when I talk to him.

(0) comments

Went to my cousin's birthday party last night.

And I brought a friend with me.

I had fun actually. May it be because of the company or because one can't help having fun when they're with my boisterous family.

My friend, Lester, almost didn't come with me to the party. He said he's shy (?). I don't know how I convinced him to go with me though, my sulking must have worked. Hehe.

It was funny actually. I knew I'd get a lot of reactions if I bring him there to meet my family.

"Who's picking your sister up? Who is this Lester? Is he your sister's boyfriend already?" - my dad asking my brother when I didn't ride with them to go to my cousin's party.

"Is that your new boyfriend, Joyce?" -- my uncles asked me.

"So who's he? Is he courting Joyce?" - my auntie Agnes to my cousin Mag.

"Tsk, tsk Ate we need to talk... a boyfriend already? you're too young!" - my younger cousin Paul.

"Hey, I think he's nice..." - a family friend told me

and the question of the night "But what about Wacqs?"

Only got one answer for all of them. "You guys, he's just my friend! Can't a girl have a friend, who is, incidentally, a boy? Can't a girl and a boy just have a platonic relationship?"

I only got disbelieving smiles and knowing looks for that.

But honestly, they don't know, if Lester is my boyfriend, I wouldn't take him to meet my family. It would be too nerve-wracking for me. And besides, I promised myself a long time ago, I would never take my boyfriend to meet my whole family, unless I'm really sure of him, and unless I'm gonna marry him.

(0) comments