Help me, I'm confused

I know one day I'm going to regret my decision. I know one day when I look for him, I'll find out he's no longer there waiting. I know one day I'll look into his eyes and I won't see me there anymore. I know one day I'm gonna beat myself up for letting go of such a wonderful man.

That one day may come too soon, or that one day may come when I least expect it, and there wouldn't be anything I can do about it.

Last night was the hardest night of my life. Hardest yes, but I actually felt relief afterwards. It's like one big burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

But why would anyone stay in a relationship when one's not happy anymore? Why would you stay when you ceased to dream for the two of you for a long time now? Why would anyone force it to work out when one feels it's not working out anymore?

Twice in this lifetime I had hurt someone. Twice I had hurt myself too. Twice I had cried in regret because hurting someone is the last thing I wanted to do. And twice I did what I had to do.

He told me he'd give me time to figure out what I really wanted to do. But doesn't he get it? I had made up my mind, and the time he's giving me makes it only even harder for me to say goodbye.

He thought I was crying because I don't want to let go. He was wrong. I was crying because I know that I am hurting him so much. He asked me if I still love him. Silence was my answer. Then I told him I don't know the answer to that question anymore.

I am crying right now because I feel that I am so cruel. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone.