My Heartfelt Gratitude

This post is one day too late, since Thanksgiving has come and gone, but nevertheless, I know it is not too late to say all the things I am thankful for in my life.

Sometimes, with all the things that's happening in my life right now, all the unwanted changes, all the heartaches, all the pains, all the homesickness, all of my ups and downs, I ask myself what is there to be thankful for. Sometimes because of all these negative emotions blurring my vision, I fail to see that teeny weeny light creeping into the darkness.

But then, when I just let go, and accept things as they are, I suddenly realize that life is not so bad afterall. I have a lot to be thankful for, afterall.

I am thankful for my Mom and Dad. I never really appreciated all their 'pangangaral (teachings) till I found myself in a situation wherein I realized how right they are. I also realized how strong I am as a person because of how they brought me up.

I am grateful for my brother, though we fight like cats and dogs do, for everyday of our lives, he never fails to show me, in his own way, how much he loves me.

I am thankful for Wacqs that he continues to hang on even though I know how hard our situation is.

I am thankful for my friends coz even though I'm so far away, they show me that our friendship continues.

These people, my family and my friends, are my life. Somehow, I know I continue to survive, I continue to be a stronger person because of them.

***
A Friendship That Ended Before It Even Began

To N.

I had hoped I had gained a new friend in you. I thought we could share something deeper, something lasting.

Before I even got to know you better, you went away. Before I could call you my friend, I suddenly lost you.

***
Commitment

To my beybi

The doubts, the insecurities, the questions vanished into thin air. I finally realized how much you mean to me.

I hope and pray that God would give us the strength, for you to keep on hanging on, for me to continue on believing.

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Funny how, even though we're miles apart, my world still revolves around you, as can be gleaned through my blog posts.

90% of my posts here are about you, or involves you.

I just noticed it. Readers must be bored to hell. Hehe

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Picture Perfect

Got the nicest surprise ever! My baby sent me a picture of us together taken from his camera phone before I flew here in Jersey.

Some may ask what's so nice about that? Well you see, I left my native country without bringing with me pictures of me and my beybi. Not because I forgot them. But because we don't have pictures together. Really. We have been together for more than a year but we never had any single picture together. We're always with friends. Save for that last day I was with him. I was playing with his phone, taking some videos of us, taking pictures of him when suddenly I just leaned at him and snapped a picture of us together. I told him not to ever erase that photo from his phone... and that when he's sad and he misses me so much when I'm gone, just look at that picture and remember how much I love him.

Then yesterday he sent me that picture via email. When I saw it I cried. I never really knew how much I miss him until I saw that picture. We look so good together.
Now I look at that picture everytime I open my computer. I don't ever seem to tire looking at him. Looking at us.



I'm gonna have this picture printed then I'm gonna put it in a frame and display it in my room. So that before I sleep it'll be the last thing I'll see, and when I wake up it'll be the first thing I'll see.

***
I had a chat with Deyey the other day. He just bought a webcam for his computer, so I had a chance to see him again. Grabe, pumayat nga sya. Pinipilit ko syang tumayo para tgnan ko kung andun pa ang kanyang isang malaking 'ab' pero ayaw nya. Hehe. Grabe, namiss ko sya, promise. I also heard his voice via the yahoo messenger. Maganda sana e, kundi lang medyo robotic at putol-putol. Pero dyeyps, namiss tlga kita promise. :)

***
Deyey asked me why I still don't have a cellular phone here. Pinaandar ko na naman daw ang aking pagkakuripot. Hehe. Hindi naman a. Ayoko lang talaga magka- cell phone ulit. First, wala namn ako itetext dito. Di naman kasi uso ang text dito e. And yung mga itetext ko lang ay asa Pinas. E sigurado d naman sila magrereply lagi. Mahal ang international text. Second, ewan ko, hindi na ako nananabik sa cellphone. Di tulad nung dating asa Pinas pa ako. I guess I just got used to not having a cellphone. Dito ko na-realize na mabubuhay ka naman pala ng normal ng walang cellphone e. Kasi naalala ko dati, katabi ko pang matulog ang cellphone ko. Geez.

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Soulmates

We're soulmates, you and I.

Our connection is so strong, it surprises me sometimes.

You know when I'm sad, without me telling you. You can sense it even though we're miles apart. Just when I'm longing for you the most, the phone will ring, and I'll hear your voice. It's uncanny, really. It happens all the time. At the least expected moment.

And when something's not right with you, I can sense it. I always get this uneasy feeling that would stay with me all day long.

And do you notice, when I get sick, you get sick too? Back when I was in the Philippines, I thought it was just because we're always together, and when we kiss, you'd get my virus or something. But now that I'm here, I got the colds, and the next day you got them too.

We're soulamtes, you and I. How cool is that? :)

***
Peaceful Death

Last night, a resident in the nursing home I work for died in her sleep.

Nothing was wrong with her. She was very healthy, albeit old.

It was peaceful, her passing away.

I guess that's the best way to die isn't it?

No pain. You close your eyes, then you just stop breathing. Just like that. No struggle. Peaceful.

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Amazing Beybi

His love for me never fails to amaze me.

Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve it, after all my doubts and insecurities.

But nevertheless, I feel so blessed to be surrounded with his undying love for me.

Eventhough we're thousands of miles from each other, I can feel how strong it is, his feelings for me.

Last night, I talked to him on the phone. I was really so down because I received bad news from my application for financial aid. He listened to me rant and rant about the unfairness of it all. Then, he tried to make me laugh... he succeeded even for a while.

Then today he called me up again... to tell me that he thought of a solution to my problem. He told me to study in the Philippines, then he offered to pay for my tuition. Isn't he sweet? He said he doesn't want me to be sad, and he would help me fulfill my dreams.

He means well, I know. One, he wants me to have a better future by helping me with my studies, and second, we would be together again if I came back to the Philippines.

And as much as I wanted to say yes to his solution, I know that it's not as easy as that.

I don't want to impose too much on him. I don't want him to have a hard time. I don't want him to spend his lifetime savings just for my education.

And, I am an adult now. I cannot rely on anyone to solve my problems for me. I can only solve this problem on my own. And I know, in time I will have a solution.

But nevertheless, my beybi is amazing isn't he? :)

I am so lucky to have him.

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Shopping Spree... Again

Couldn't resist!

I am sick, with a slight fever, sore throat and whopping cough, but I still went with my cousin and shopped!

Couldn't resist. Really. Everything was just on sale. Those Guess jeans that were supposed to be $80 are now just $19! That DKNY jacket that was supposed to be $78, now only $30!

Everything was just 50 to 75% off. So who could resist that huh? Certainly not me. Went home carrying a large bag, and a smaller wallet. Hehe.

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Gosh, I feel so awful today. My throat hurts so bad. I have a hard time swallowing. I already drank one carton of orange juice to try to get this sore throat in control. I hope that would work.

Man, if it weren't for these defective heater in our apartment I wouldn't be sick today.

Yeah, it's freezing cold inside our apartment. Right now, my hands and feet are freezing.

A lot already called the management to complain about the heaters but they haven't acted yet.

I may have to call the Department of Health for this. I swear I will. Tomorrow. I couldn't take the cold anymore.

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A dear friend's grief

What can you really say to alleviate the sadness of a friend who just lost his dad? How can you tell him you're sorry for his loss? What words do you use to say you empathize with him?

A close friend from the Philippines just lost his dad. And I really, really feel so sad for him. I've known my friend since high school, and I know his family too.

I called him the other day to tell him that I'm deeply sorry for his loss. I asked him if he's okay, which is pretty stupid of me since I know he's not okay. How can you be okay when you just lost your dad? But bravely, he told me he's fine, that he has already accepted his dad's death.

But underneath those brave words, I felt his grief. I heard the catch in his voice, as if he was about to cry. He told me that his dad got a lot of health complications. He stayed in a hospital for a while. He told me his dad gave a good fight, but in the end he just let go.

I wanted so much to hug my friend. I wanted so much to tell him that I wish I could be there for him. I wanted so much to just sit beside him, hold his hand, as we cry together.

And it hurts me so much that I couldn't do all that. It hurts me so much that I couldn't be there for him in his time of grief. It pains me that there is these thousands of miles of disatnce between us. It pains me that I couldn't reach out to him and hug him, and reassure him of my presence. It pains me that all I could do is call him on the phone.

I know how hard this has been for him. I guess all I could do now is offer my prayers for him and his family. I hope that would be enough.

***
On Splurging

My bank account is experiencing a big dent on its balance right now.

I simply couldn't resist all those sales on the mall. I went there earlier with my mom and dad, and I just kept getting and getting stuff that were on sale.

Like that cutie red rubber shoes from Skechers that was 20% off its original price. And those adorable winter jackets that were 40% off (but still cost too much but hey I'll be needing those coats. Winter is just around the corner, right?:-). And those cute sweaters. Geez. Couldn't resist.

Now I feel so guilty... not! Haha. I had fun shopping.

Also bought this scented candle from Yankee Candles Co. that is like a lampshade. So cute. Costs a little too much, but nevertheless worth it (uh, I think).

So now, I don't know how much more money I got on my bank. But heck, I had fun shopping. Don't we all?

***
Christmas Blues

Yesterday, while driving home from my Lola's house, my brother turned on the radio of the car. Christmas songs greeted us.

Instead of being happy about it, everyone in the car lapsed into silence.

The "Jingle Bell Rock" song was frowned upon.

And then these words from an old Christmas song almost made me cry...

"I'll be home for Christmas... You can count on it."

Damn. That song was like a dagger in my heart. It hurt too much to be thinking of Christmas, and not spending it in the Philippines. It hurt too much to be thinking of Christmas, and not spending it with my baby. It hurts too much that I'll not be spending a lot of Christmases with him...

"I'll be home for Christmas... If only in my dreams."

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1 year older

Yesterday's birthday was pretty tame compared to my previous birthday celebrations. Pretty tame, yes. But nevertheless, fun too.

Okay, so maybe it was freezing. I put on many layers of clothing to achieve comfort when I go outside. But it was all worth it.

My cousins took me out to dinner last night. Yup, we braved the brisked winds. Here are some pictures wanna share with u...





Real party is on Sunday. :)

posted at 9:13 PM by joyce

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Wednesday, November 12, 2003

How do you celebrate turning 21 in a strange city?

No more drunken party this time.

No more drowning in overflowing bottles of San Mig Light.

No more dancing till the sun brings out its brilliant light.

No more singing till our voices would go hoarse.

No more gentle arms around me and sweet kisses in the moonlight.

No more anticipation of the year ahead.

Instead what do I have?

Trees so bare it's depressing.

Cold wind gushing forth.

Gray, gray world.

No sun peeking out from the heavens.

Ice, cold, cold ice in the windshield of your car.

Heaters turned on full blast.

Alone.

***
Not so bad after all

With hearing him say this to me? Nah. It's not so bad afterall. Best birthday gift - these words.

'you're one of the greatest things that happened to my life... and I thank God for that...We may not see each other, but my love for you remains here inside me - my heart, my mind and my soul. Without you, I may be no one, but with you there, I know I'm not alone."

posted at 3:11 PM by joyce

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Tuesday, November 11, 2003

The countdown begins....

One more day to go then it's my day!!! :)

posted at 10:30 PM by joyce

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Sunday, November 09, 2003

Matrix

Watched Matrix Revolutions last night with my cousins. Okay, call me slow or dim-witted, but there are some parts I really don't understand. I've watched the prequels but I still don't get it.

I even called my boyfriend to explain it to me. He enthusiastically went into this endless monologue about the whole film. He talked for hours, but I still don't get it. The ending totally baffled me. I don't want to go into the details of the movie here (less I spoil it to someone who hasn't watched it yet and is planning to watch it) but I just have one question for those who watched it... How did it end? How was Agent Smith defeated? How did Neo do it? Ooops. That's three questions.

But please, care to enlighten me?

posted at 3:56 PM by joyce

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Saturday, November 08, 2003

101 Things People Should Know About Me

Took time off from reading one of the books I bought from Walden's and posted this entry:

1. I am 20 years old (turning 21 this November - hehe! reminder lang sa mga friends ko i2, gifts! gosh, ang subtle noh?)

2. I was named Joyce because according to my Dad, on the night my mom was giving birth to me, the lights went off, and he shouted "O Dyos Ko!" Dyos sounds like Joyce right?

3. When I was a young girl, I begged my mom to change my name to Apple.

4. And I thank high heavens now that she ignored my constant pleadings!

5. My relatives call me pagaga ( a kapampangan word which means crybaby) coz when I was small up to a time in high school (and my mom would swear till now) I throw tantrums left and right.

6. My boyfriend calls me beybi.

7. I am a graduate of "The Royal and Pontifical University of Santo Tomas, the Catholic Univeristy of the Philippines, founded in 1611, the oldest university in Asia."

8. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism.

9. Though I already have a bachelor's degree, I am still planning to take up Nursing this Spring. Please don't ask why.

10. I used to imagine (and sometimes act the part too!) that I was Ula. Remember Ula? I think it was Judy Anne's first soap opera. Or was it Anna Luna. I forget.

11. I hate wearing shoes.

12. I love walking barefoot on the grass.

13. Although I hate wearing shoes, I love buying them. Whenever I go to a mall, I would always buy one (or two) pairs of shoes.

14. Aside from shoes, I have a big collection of bags. I just so love them.

15. I love chocolates! (I think I read in some magazine that eating chocolates create the same sensation as making love. Hahaha. Go figure.)

16. I want to have a tattoo.

17. But I'm scared of needles, so that tattoo would just be a dream.

18. I also want to have my tongue pierced.

19. But I'm scared of the pain, so again, getting my tongue pierced would again be just a dream.

20. I hate sports. Couldn't play even one single sport. I even sucked at dama (sport ba yun?)

21. My boyfriend used to do all the sports articles I had to pass for my Sports Journalism class back in college. He even made my prelim and finals' article for me. The professor never knew. hehe

22. I intend to become a nurse, but the sight of blood makes me queasy.

23. The sight of a small cut makes me wanna faint too.

24. I am the Queen of Sloth. My favorite hobby is sleeping.

25. My sisters used to tease me I'd get bed sores for sleeping all day long.

26. I love reading fiction.

27. My favorite auhtors right now are John Grisham, Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling.

28. I hate to admit this, but I had gone through a phase where I absolutely adored the Mills and Boons books.

29. Now I only shake my head and cringe in embarrassment for having gone through that phase.

30. I used to love cooking, but when we went here in the US I totally hated cooking for the family. Dunno what happened to me.

31. I cook the most delicious spaghetti in my family.

32. I love spaghetti, but I hate the way they make it here in the US. Tastes a lot like tomato sauce to me.

33. I love McDonald's.

34. I don't like Jollibee.

35. I hate it that they do not have Spaghetti in McDonald's here. And that they only serve burgers. No rice and Mc-chicken! Grr!

36. I love yellow roses, although I do appreciate the beauty of red and white roses, I just go completely soft when someone gives me yellow roses.

37. I am so 'mababaw'. It wouldn't take the slightest bit of effort to make me laugh.

38. And sometimes the jokes aren't funny either but you'd see me rolling on the floor laughing. (okay, slight exxageration, but you know what I mean right?)

39. Although I am so 'mababaw', I am also slow to catch on the joke. My friends speculate that I analyze the joke in my head first before I'd finally get it.

40. I'd like to think I'm mature by now.

41. Although everyone seems to think I'm still too childish.

42. I think I'm just child-like, taking immense pleasure in the simplest and smallest of things.

43. I cry too easily, at the slightest mistake, at the slightest misunderstanding.

44. I cry when I'm mad.

45. I cry at cheesy Christmas commercials.

46. I love dancing, although I don't think dancing loves me.

47. I'm trying to learn how to line dance. But it's hard when you have two left feet.

48. I am a frustrated singer.

49. My favorite book from childhood is The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett.

50. I don't know how to say no.

51. I am a pushover.

52. It takes a lot to make me angry, but when I do get angry, in just an hour or so, I'd forget why I am angry.

54. I can easily conceal my feelings to others.

55. I can fake being happy whenever I am sad.

56. I am so totally obsessed with my weight. That's why people love to tease me and say I got fat, coz they know I'd totally react violently.

57. I totally abhore the taste of beer.

58. I tried smoking a lot of times back in college, but with just a puff, I'd get really dizzy, that's why I never got addicted to smoking. (Thank goodness!)

59. I only tried smoking because my friends are all smoking and I felt left-behind, but now I think smoking is really uncool.

60. I hate boybands. But I admit I like some of their songs. (I like the lyrics of the songs, not the voices behind them)

61. I love playing pusoy-dos, coz I always win at that card game.

62. I can't understand what the hoopla is all about on Meteor Garden but I asked my boyfriend to buy me a dvd of that tele-series and mail it to me here in New Jersey.

63. I'm a pessimist.

64. Although, I really try my best to be optimistic about things.

65. I am always daydreaming.

66. I have the capability to block out everything that surrounds me once I set my mind to it.

67. I am an alzheimer's case at this young age.

68. Writing calms me when I am mad or upset.

69. I love eating seafoods.

70. I am a great beliver in Karma.

71. Whenever I am sad, ice cream usually takes the blues away.

72. I try not to let other people intimidate me.

73. People here call me Smiley, coz they say I smile a lot. I dunno why, I used to be a snob back in the Philippines.

74. I love watching movies.

75. I love telling stories. I can talk a mile a minute.

76. Although, I would like to think that I'm also a good listener.

77. A long hot shower usually calms my frazzled nerves.

78. The longest time I've stayed on the phone was seven hours straight. I was talking to my boyfriend then.

79. This is embarrassing, but what the heck! I used to still wet my bed when I was in the sixth grade. It stopped when I went to high school.

80. I ceased to have a nightlife when I lived here in NJ. (Geez. WHat happened to me?)

81. I was totally moved by the movie Amelie and Life is Beautiful.

82. I absolutely adore dogs. I find them so cute. I want to have a pet dog again.

83. I hate cats. I think they smell awful.

84. I love with a passion.

85. Though I hate with a passion too.

86. A man singing a classic love song while playing the guitar makes me swoon.

87. Poetry makes me swoon too.

88. I get attracted to those brooding and enigmatic men.

89. But they have to stay that way - be a mystery for always, coz when I get to unveil the nystery behind them, I totally lose interest.

90. People get deceived by my innocent and angelic (Naks!) face. They don't know I'm a devil in a disguise.

91. I like the character of Vampire Lestat, but I am more in love with Louis.

92. I'm a rebel.

93. I try hard not to conform to the demands of society.

94. I am a risk taker.

95. But I am afraid of rejection and failure.

96. I wished I had learned to play any musical instrument - like the piano or guitar.

97. I am a hopeless romantic.

98. I'm very loyal to my friends. Sometimes I even fight their own battles for them.

99. I'm a very touchy-feely person. I like hugging friends.

100. I am an introvert.

101. I am receptive to change.

posted at 4:28 PM by joyce

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Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Might not be able to post something sensible here for a few days... or weeks.

I just bought five books from Walden's, coz they have this promotion- buy four books, get one free. And I did. Bought 4 books by Anne Rice and one by John Grisham.

So I guess I'll be busy for a few weeks....

***
Weird Coincidence

Someone wrote to me in Friendster. Sabi nya, she was just looking up for a certain Joyce Nicdao na she knows, and my name came up. Ang weird pa dun ay sa New Jersey din nakatira yung Joyce Nicdao na kakilala nya.

Sabi ko nga sa kanya, baka naman ako yung talagang hinahanap nya, pero hindi daw kasi highschool pa lang yung friend nyang yun, and she lives in Bloomfield. (While I live in Blackwood).

Pero weird pa rin no. May kapangalan pala ako. Akala ko pa naman unique ang name ko. Hehe

posted at 11:11 AM by joyce

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Sunday, November 02, 2003

King's bday!

WENT to King's bday celebration last night. Here are a couple of pictures wanna share with you...


From left to right: Iris, Aaron, me, King, Tim, Mag, Alen, Vincent and Princess.


O dba? mga sabik sa camera! hehe. Aaron talga o, tinakapan pa ang birthday celebrator. Tama ba yun?


mga epal sa cam!

posted at 4:04 PM by joyce

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Saturday, November 01, 2003

MY First (and probably my last) attempt at trick or treatin'

'Twas fun... Walking around the block, holding your bag, surrounded with kids in various costumes, wearing a silly mask (so no one'll recognize you, just in case), knocking on every house you pass by, shouting "Trick or treat!", getting a handful of candies (if you're lucky), and afterwards sifting through the loads of candies you've acquired.

Made me wish we have one tradition like that in the Philippines. I sure missed a lot during my childhood.

Also, I found out that when I'm in the company of children (5- 12 year olds), I have the tendency to act like a child again. Nah, last night I was just any normal nine year old, in the body of an almost-21 year-old woman. Twas a delight being a child again, free from worries, free from responsibilities, free from problems...

Afterwards, when everyone was tired from walking, and after everyone was satisfied with the amount of candies they have, we finally decided to go home, and watch a scary movie...

We watched Final Destination 2. It wasn't really scary. Just full of gore.

That's Halloween here for us. :)

***
If I were in the Philippines right now

I'd probably be in the cemetery with my cousins and friends, eating butong-pakwan, sharing ghost stories, till midnight. Then afterwards, we'd probably go to the abandoned hospital in Clark to hunt for ghosts (or is the other way around?)

Ahh. I miss celebrating All Soul's Day in the Philippines already!

***
Scared!

What would you do when your supervisor (who's really a cutie!), walks up to you, and say, "Maganda! (Beautiful), what's up?" Then after a beat, in a serious tone of voice say, "I miss you"?

Geez. What was that all about?

posted at 6:08 AM by joyce

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