D ko alam kung matatawa ako o maiinis sa kachismisan ng mga pinoy.

Well, apparently balita daw dun sa dati kong job that yesterday there were police in our house, coz apparently may tinatago daw kaming baril???? Tama ba yun? Never really got all the details of the chismis coz my bro just told me about it.

ANyway, in the first place...

We don't have any guns at home.

Second, if ever we have one, it's not as if it's illegal here in NJ. It's not.

And the most important point of all....I was home all day and ni isang police walang pumunta d2.

Hayy naku. Don't you just hate people who spread rumors around? Kung sanang totoo dba? San naman kaya nila napulot ang balitang yun??

Pinoy nga naman. *sigh*

(2) comments

I admit... last week I had some major problems I had to deal with... involving me, the direction of my life and most esp. my relationship with Jason.

I admit that I spent hours, days even, thinking that I do not want to have a boyfriend in my life right now. I admit that the past came back to haunt me. I admit that I honestly thought Jason was just a rebound. I admit that I thought I'm not really in-love with Jason. I admit to comparing him to past exes. And I admit I thought that I made another mistake.

And I know he sensed it. For one whole week, I snarled at him at even the slightest mistake. He couldn't make me smile. And the I love yous weren't heard from my mouth. He couldn't kiss me, touch me, much less give me a hug.

I can see the questions in his gaze, and every time he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes, I look away. I felt that I am living a lie, and I couldn't take it that I thought I'd be hurting another man again.

But a friend's words made me think...

acrombiefitch76 (5:05:36 AM): u think its something to do with the past?
blueblink1382 (5:05:43 AM): ha?
blueblink1382 (5:05:46 AM): wadya mean?
acrombiefitch76 (5:07:01 AM): I don'tknow... w/ ur previous ex...I mean he was not the man you thought he was n now u have this wonderful guy that loves u n cares for u adores u parang hindi ka sanay..

Why does it always comes down with my ex? Huh? Why? Did he hurt me that much that I am doomed to ruin every relationship I have after him?

But then, I've come to think of it, maybe my friend was right. Maybe I'm just so used to the pain that I cannot see the wonderful guy in front of me... Maybe.

And then I had this major fight with Jason. (Mostly my fault coz I was being a real bitch to him). And for eleven hours after he slammed my car door, walked away, and punched the handicapped sign in anger, I came to a sudden realization. I love him. I really do. Sure, we had this major differences in our culture, sure, there are some things we just can't see eye to eye. Sure, at that moment I wanted so bad to walk away and never look back. But Ican't, coz I'm glued to him. And it's not just because of the vow I made that this time I won't give up, it's because now I learned my lesson already. It's a choice not to give up because I don't want to ruin the fourth chance the Lord gave me on love.

After eleven hours of agonizing what transpired between us, I went to his house, cried in front of him, hugged him real tight... and without me saying a word, he knew that I love him. And he loves me...

And we lived happily ever after.

Hehe. Not quite. Too soon to tell for that. But I can honestly say that the demons of the past have long been killed, trampled upon, and buried to the ground... to a place where even I can't dig them up.

Who needs demons when I have an angel with me? :)

***
Three more weeks of school and then I'm done... for the fall semester that is. Still has three years to go. Yeah, yeah I know. It's that long, even for just a Associate's Degree. But I don't care. I'm not in a rush to finish this nursing school thingie. I'm taking my time. Darating din yung araw na matatapos na ako. I just want to enjoy my life right now.

***
Well... Thanksgiving Day was fun.

Sure, I didn't get to celebrate with my relatives (which still makes me real mad, if anyone cares, and that's for another post), but I had an intimate dinner with my parents and my brother and we had a good time. I love these dinners I have with them because nowadays, it's a rarety to sit in front of a dinner table with the whole family, what with our busy schedules and all.

I love being able to bond with them, talk to them about anything and basically, just have fun with them.

Although earlier that day I was crying in front of my baby because I felt sorry for my parents. I felt that they're being excluded from the whole Nicdao clan because of what happened to me. I felt sorry, and at the same time I was mad at my relatives for making that happen. Tang'na, ang kikitid ng mga utak. I honestly lost all my respect to some of my relatives. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be still carrying this baggage with me esp. that it happened eons ago, but they are making it so hard for me to forgive.

I know God has taught us to forgive... and I know one day I will forgive. But in His time. Not theirs.

***
Ooohh... I watched National Treasure na pala! Well, maganda naman. Yun lang.

***
Okay I need to sleep now. It's eight in the morning and I've been awake the whole night. The sun's already risen so this noctunal girl's energy is slowly being drained from her body.

Para akong vampire. The sun's up so I must now rest.

----->>>> Dagdag ito...

I realized that I have this notorious habit of losing in-touch with my old friends. SO I changed that. I emailed a lot of my friends na... kaso I guess there are just some people you can't really be friends with anymore because of a 'sordid' past between the two of you. So para sa kanya na naging kaibigan ko kahit na panandalian lamang... salamat. It was nice having had you in my life even for a short period of time. Be happy. Be well.

----->>>>>> Matutulog na talaga ako.

(0) comments

How do you say GRRR????

J and I had a fight today. And I'm still angry. Times like this, I wonder why I'm going out with someone, whose culture clashes with mine. There are just some things he can't understand with my culture, or maybe with the way I was brought up. And there are some things I could never understand with the way he grew up, his beliefs and his way of thinking. Sometimes it is just so exasperating.

The fight started out at work, escalating at his house with a shouting match, with me ending up sulking in my car while he ended up walking away as he closed my car door with a bang.

Grr. Three months, and we're like this already?

(0) comments

Ha!

It felt good to finally stand up to a bully.

Remember that post I wrote where this guy from work discriminated me? Well, guess what? He tried to do that again last night, and I finally spoke up.

I said, "You better stop that or I'm going to tell the Supervisor..."

To that he replied, "Huh, I'm scared!", all the while sneering at me.

So I said, "Well, you should be because I'm serious. I'm really gonna tell the supervisor. It's not funny anymore. You don't see me laughing, do you?"

Then he backed off.

Never bothered me again.

Ahhh... pure bliss.

(0) comments

don't mind that last post. it was the booze talking after all. I felt fine in the morning. :)

***

(0) comments

Thinking is making me crazy

I better stop thinking too much. I'm making myself crazy....

I'm scared. I'm actually very scared again.

I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know what I feel now. Maybe I'm just not really cut out to have long-lasting relationships. Maybe I'm really just worn out with love right now.

It's not them... it's me. I just can't seem to stay.

The gods of doubts are calling out again, and god, I'm actually wanting to heed their calls, and walk away. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I really want?

It's not that I don't love him. I guess I just needed time for myself... I've jumped from one relationship to another to another to another, without really having time to be alone.

Oh god, let this be just the vodka, margarita and long island iced tea talking.

(Don't mind this post... tomorrow when I'm sober I'll be singing a different tune.... I hope)

(1) comments

I finally got an answer to what's been bothering me for this whole week.

Thanks to this guy I work with, who gave me the answers thru his intellectually, and emotionally stimulating talks.

Everything finally clicked into place. I now know what to do.

And I feel relief now that a smile finally broke out from me.

It was a dead star afterall.

(0) comments

Dead Stars

Why had he obstinately clung to that dream? So all these years-since when?-he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingy still in their appointed places in the heavens.

-Dead Stars by Paz MArquez Benitez

***
Oh how I wish this would hold true for me... I wish I'm just 'seeing the light of dead stars'.

***
Read the story so you know what I'm talking about.

(0) comments

How to forget?

I've been cranky all week, it's a wonder Jason still loves me.

I've been in a depressed state that not even my baby can summon up a small smile from me.

And I can't even blame it on PMS. (Although that's been my excuse to jason)

I know exactly why I'm acting this way, and it's not good.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Darn it. I just want to shoot the memories dead.

How do people get amnesia? I want one.

(1) comments

Do you settle?

Do you settle for second best, because the one thing that you really wanted is out of reach? Or do you go with the idea, if you can't have it, you'd rather not have anything at all?

Do you settle in love? Because you can't have the one you love, you'd rather have the one who will be there for you and love you?

I don't know where these questions lead... but I know one thing... I settle.

***
It's only the second week of Novemember, and yet, I already heard Christmas songs playing on the radio.

At first, it made my heart swell with contentment. I love Christmas. During this time of the year, it's like everything's all right in the world.

But then I remembered something that made me sad all of a sudden, and not even Jason's reassurance can make me feel better.

I'm not going to spend Thanksgiving with my family....

I'm not going to spend Christmas with my family...

I'm not going to spend the New Year with my family...

I don't know whether to just cry or vow for revenge. My heart is filled with frustration and anger.

Frustration because it's not my fault and yet I'm the one being punished, and the culprit gets away with it, dances gleefully, and lives life as if everything's right in his world, when his soul is probably burning in hell right now.

And I'm angry at them and at me because I let him get away with it...

***
Jason invited me to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family. Maybe I will. I met his parents, grandparents and siblings already, and I like them.

Kaso I'm still shy.

(0) comments

This is my thank you

To all those who went to me, and my cousins' birthday bash last night, thank you so much.

Thanks for all the gifts! They are all so much appreciated. :)

I esp. love that purple poncho that my Auntie Beth gave me. I looked sophisticated on that. :)

Thanks for having fun with all of us. Thanks to all of my friends who came.

Thanks to my baby for decorating the house with balloons and streamers.

Thanks JP, for calling long distance just to greet me a happy birthday.

Thanks to all those who emailed me a happy birthday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One couldn't ask for a more wonderful birthday. :)

****
3 months baby

And everything's still going smoothly.

Thank you for putting up with my craziness.

Thank you for always being there for me.

Thank you for boosting up my confidence when I seem to be lacking it.

Thank you for believing in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.

Thank you for this fairy tale.

I love you.

****
Hayy. Parang nawawalan na ako ng ganang mag-blog. ewan ko ba. It's as if I don't have anything more to say.

***
Would you resurrect an old friendship that went sour because of lies and deceit, if you can?

Would it be smart to do that?

Or would you be just wasting your time?

Is it time to move on already, forgive and forget, and bring the old frienship back to life?

You know you had it good before, you know you couldn't ask for a better friend, you know you want to anyway, and that you miss him, and you wish sometimes you could just talk to him just like before, and you regret losing that friendship, and you know your fingers already itch from wanting to dial his number...

But something's stopping you...

Is it pride? Maybe... maybe not.

Maybe you just don't want to get hurt anymore.

(0) comments

happy bday to me

My birthday came early for me. I received the best gift so far. My baby gave me an i-pod. ain't that cool? :)

Now, I've been sitting here all night in front of my computer downloading songs from my cd to my ipod. 290 songs so far. 4, 710 songs to go. hehe. D ko na alam san pa ako kukuha ng mga songs para lang mapuno ito.

***
Another early bday treat for me is my passing of my midterms in Anatomy and Physio class. Whew. I thought for sure I failed. But what do u know, I got a B! Thank you Lord.

The test was hard. Or maybe it was esay but the problem was me. I didn't really study hard for the test because everytime I open my notes and try to study, I doze off. Everytime, I tell you. Till there was no more time to study because of all that sleeping I did.

But t'was okay since I passed it anyway.

Annnnnddd... it gave me perverse pleasure in knowing that this Pinay classmate I have that is such a snob and who wouldn't talk to me (probably think she's so much better than me) failed the test. She had a 60, which is a D! Bwahahaha!

Ang sama ko yikes! Pero kasi naman no, naiinis ako sa kanya kasi sobrang feeling.

***
I passed my computer class too. But I expected that. Geez, that test was so easy! Ang yabang no?

***
What else? Oh yeah, Jason and I were supposed to go kayaking with his brother, his brother's wife and son. But it was cancelled because it was freezing outside.

And knowing Jason, and his tendency to never keeping still, we might tumble into the freezing water and get hypothermia.

***
I miss my cousins! Hey mga cousins miss ko na kayo! Hang-out tayo sa birthday ko ha? :)

(1) comments

I find that having a boyfriend ruins my social life. Not that I'm complaining. All the parties I go to, all the movies I watch, all the restaurants I go to, I go with my boyfriend.

But sometimes I just miss hanging out with my friends.

But I can't.

Not because I don't want to. It's because I honest to goodness just don't have the time.

I spend my time either working or studying. Then the rest is for Jason. And believe me the rest is not a lot. We really don't get to see each other that much. Except at work. And that doesn't really count.

I wish I'm finished with my school already so I can do whatever I want. Hayyy.

Three more years Joyce. Three more years and you're done.

That seems so far away.

(1) comments