I admit... last week I had some major problems I had to deal with... involving me, the direction of my life and most esp. my relationship with Jason.

I admit that I spent hours, days even, thinking that I do not want to have a boyfriend in my life right now. I admit that the past came back to haunt me. I admit that I honestly thought Jason was just a rebound. I admit that I thought I'm not really in-love with Jason. I admit to comparing him to past exes. And I admit I thought that I made another mistake.

And I know he sensed it. For one whole week, I snarled at him at even the slightest mistake. He couldn't make me smile. And the I love yous weren't heard from my mouth. He couldn't kiss me, touch me, much less give me a hug.

I can see the questions in his gaze, and every time he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes, I look away. I felt that I am living a lie, and I couldn't take it that I thought I'd be hurting another man again.

But a friend's words made me think...

acrombiefitch76 (5:05:36 AM): u think its something to do with the past?
blueblink1382 (5:05:43 AM): ha?
blueblink1382 (5:05:46 AM): wadya mean?
acrombiefitch76 (5:07:01 AM): I don'tknow... w/ ur previous ex...I mean he was not the man you thought he was n now u have this wonderful guy that loves u n cares for u adores u parang hindi ka sanay..

Why does it always comes down with my ex? Huh? Why? Did he hurt me that much that I am doomed to ruin every relationship I have after him?

But then, I've come to think of it, maybe my friend was right. Maybe I'm just so used to the pain that I cannot see the wonderful guy in front of me... Maybe.

And then I had this major fight with Jason. (Mostly my fault coz I was being a real bitch to him). And for eleven hours after he slammed my car door, walked away, and punched the handicapped sign in anger, I came to a sudden realization. I love him. I really do. Sure, we had this major differences in our culture, sure, there are some things we just can't see eye to eye. Sure, at that moment I wanted so bad to walk away and never look back. But Ican't, coz I'm glued to him. And it's not just because of the vow I made that this time I won't give up, it's because now I learned my lesson already. It's a choice not to give up because I don't want to ruin the fourth chance the Lord gave me on love.

After eleven hours of agonizing what transpired between us, I went to his house, cried in front of him, hugged him real tight... and without me saying a word, he knew that I love him. And he loves me...

And we lived happily ever after.

Hehe. Not quite. Too soon to tell for that. But I can honestly say that the demons of the past have long been killed, trampled upon, and buried to the ground... to a place where even I can't dig them up.

Who needs demons when I have an angel with me? :)

***
Three more weeks of school and then I'm done... for the fall semester that is. Still has three years to go. Yeah, yeah I know. It's that long, even for just a Associate's Degree. But I don't care. I'm not in a rush to finish this nursing school thingie. I'm taking my time. Darating din yung araw na matatapos na ako. I just want to enjoy my life right now.

***
Well... Thanksgiving Day was fun.

Sure, I didn't get to celebrate with my relatives (which still makes me real mad, if anyone cares, and that's for another post), but I had an intimate dinner with my parents and my brother and we had a good time. I love these dinners I have with them because nowadays, it's a rarety to sit in front of a dinner table with the whole family, what with our busy schedules and all.

I love being able to bond with them, talk to them about anything and basically, just have fun with them.

Although earlier that day I was crying in front of my baby because I felt sorry for my parents. I felt that they're being excluded from the whole Nicdao clan because of what happened to me. I felt sorry, and at the same time I was mad at my relatives for making that happen. Tang'na, ang kikitid ng mga utak. I honestly lost all my respect to some of my relatives. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be still carrying this baggage with me esp. that it happened eons ago, but they are making it so hard for me to forgive.

I know God has taught us to forgive... and I know one day I will forgive. But in His time. Not theirs.

***
Ooohh... I watched National Treasure na pala! Well, maganda naman. Yun lang.

***
Okay I need to sleep now. It's eight in the morning and I've been awake the whole night. The sun's already risen so this noctunal girl's energy is slowly being drained from her body.

Para akong vampire. The sun's up so I must now rest.

----->>>> Dagdag ito...

I realized that I have this notorious habit of losing in-touch with my old friends. SO I changed that. I emailed a lot of my friends na... kaso I guess there are just some people you can't really be friends with anymore because of a 'sordid' past between the two of you. So para sa kanya na naging kaibigan ko kahit na panandalian lamang... salamat. It was nice having had you in my life even for a short period of time. Be happy. Be well.

----->>>>>> Matutulog na talaga ako.