and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there - Relient K




I haven't blogged for a while. I guess for a while there I thought there really wasn't anything to blog about. It was like I exist into this world and nothing exciting or meaningful ever happens. Or that eversince the heart break I had eons ago, I felt like I have no right to be happy anymore.

I must admit, I turned bitter on life and on love. That eventhough I had Jason in my life, there was still pain and bitterness in my heart. Yes, I might have moved on and I might have let go already, but somehow traces of splint from the broken heart still surfaces out of nowhere, making my heart bleed one more time. For a while there, there was still anger inside me. I keep hearing voices in my head saying, I can't believe that happened to me! The jerk --- (feel free to add more profanities there, I said them all).

Then suddenly, as if a light was suddenly switched on in my head, I realized what I was doing. I was still looking back. I was still reliving the past everyday when I should be living the present. That past kept holding me back. Then suddenly, I understood what happened. I understood, and I know. Then the pain left me, the anger left me.

And I became happy. The kind of happiness that comes only because you learned how to forgive not only others who hurt you deeply, but you learned to forgive yourself too.

I said it before, I honestly thought Jason was just a rebound. I was wrong. Everyday that I'm with him, I feel blessed that I have him in my life. He had helped me heal the wounds of yesteryears, and with him, it seems that I have a clean slate. I fall in-love with him more everyday. Rebound? No. I found my lover, my bestfriend, someone I know I can grow old with. Now, I can't even begin to imagine life without him.

****
I surprise myself sometimes.

I surprise myself because somehow I know that I finally grew up.

Nakausap ko na sya. After long, long months of silence, we finally talked.

I surprised myself because the bitterness was gone already.

I'm happy to have a friend back in my life again. Though things between us couldn't possibly be the same again, I'm happy because I know somehow I regained an old friend.

I;m happy now. And I know he's happy with his life now too.

And you know what? There's finally peace.