Ang dami ng nagbago...

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i think i now know why my relationships don't last... it's because i jump from one relationship to another to another to another without letting the pain of the failure subside first, without getting a breather first, without learning from the mistakes i made from past relationships.

I jump head-on into another relationship when the tears haven't dried up yet,,, and so i make the same mistakes i always make. it would seem that i never learn.

See, I'm the heart breaker. Most of the time I'll be the one walking away leaving their hearts bleeding. And even though it breaks my heart to see how much i hurt them i would always feel that it was a good decision to walk away.

Now, most of u would probably say, maybe she walks away because he's not the "one". Maybe so. And for awhile i console myself from the guilt i always felt from hurting the guy by saying he's not the one for me. we're not right for each other. sometimes i'd go as far as pointing out his flaws and telling myself that is why i couldn't stay.

It's all bullshit. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I say all these reasons to make myself feel better about hurting someone, to stop feeling guilty that i just trampled his heart.

The real reason why i can never make myself commit to someone is because i'm not ready yet for a commitment. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready to really give out my heart to someone. AFter that first heart ache i felt, or maybe even before that, i was never ready yet for something serious. i was never ready and yet somehow i always end up being committed to someone. And then after a couple of months, i would get this heavy feeling in my chest, like i want out. like... i don't know... like I'm not ready for it.

Maybe because it's just so easy to go with the flow. Like when the guy started getting serious, talk about marriage and family, i would just go along, but deep inside my heart i get this nagging feeling, like i wanna run as far away as possible.

I don't know why I'm like that? is it because i think i would be hurting them if i really say what i feel, that i don't want anything serious with them? ANd then after all these nagging feelings i get, i would feel scared like, hey what if he's really the one and i let him go because i'm scared? what if i tell him that I'm not ready yet and he leaves and then i realized how much i need him in my life and it's too late..

And then this heavy feeling just keeps getting heavier and heavier till one day i know i just have to walk away...

u know how many good men i walked away from? too many. men that all women would want for themselves. men that women always dream of having.

and oh my god, what if i just run out of good men??? what if after all that i've done, fate decided to just leave me alone and lonely. She'd say, "joyce, because u broke too many hearts, there will be no more guys for u, u will be living alone for the rest of ur lonely life."

gaad, what if i had the one and because i wasn't ready yet then i let him go???

what if?

when will i know when i'm ready? how will i know?

and lastly, do i have to break a heart again to finally, finally learn my mistakes???
i think i just need time for me. time to be ready for that someone. time to learn from all the mistakes i made. time to grow on my own without a guy by my side.

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I really should start writing again. It's not like nothing's happening in my life... actually, there are so many things to blog about. I just don't have the urge to write them all... Soon I will. Bubuhayin ko ulit ang blog na to.. Soon. I promise

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I went to New York City yesterday with three hot guys!




That's them. The one on the left is Mike, then Rich in the middle and Steve on the right.



So, I wasn't really supposed to go. First of all, I had work that night and I exhausted my sick calls for April. Not that I'm really worried of getting fired. I mean, c'mon. It's the post office and no one could possibly get fired in that place. But being the little ms worrywart that I am, I still worried.

In the end, I went with them. And boy, was I glad that I did. It was just rad! Haha. Sorry learned that word from Mike. Rad. Kept saying it too! Rad. Rad. Rad. I think It's gonna be my expression now. Haha. Rad!

So anyway, we did a lot of walking. And I'm telling you, if you wore these sandals like stupid little me did, you are going to regret it.




Because, it couldn't possibly cushion your feet with ten hours of walking the streets of New York. But thank goodness I have a relatively high tolerance for pain. Haha

It reminded me so much of Manila, just a little bit cleaner. I took so much pictures of buildings...







And more pictures of buildings...





Took quite a lot of pictures of us too...

On the subway








(Personally, I think our MRT in Manila is soo much better. Gosh, it smelled like human piss on the NY train station. Didn't impress me at all!)


More pictures of us in front of those big-ass tulips...





Aren't they awesome?! And to think ang mahal ng mga nyan sa Pinas!

Anyway, here's more pictures of us...

In Central Park...







It was definitely a fun albeit exhausting day. But I definitely am going back there again. :)

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People are scared of death like its something to be afraid of.

I'm not scared of death. That is, I'm not scared of me dying.

Although I must admit I am more scared of people dying on me... like family, friends or loved ones. It comes with being selfish. I don't ever want to feel how it is to have someone dear die. I don't think I can bear it.

***
I was joking around with people at work earlier. It's because I did something pretty stupid that I'm not gonna write about because it's too embarrassing. Let's just say I convinced myself that that something stupid would be the death of me.

So I kept telling them, "I'm gonna die! Oh my god!". I was joking of course.

But this one lady kinda' took me seriously and asked why I keep saying that. She said it might come true.

But then I replied, "Well, then, at least I had the chance to say goodbye to all of you."

Which she thinks is an awful thing to say.

But I further joked, "At least then you'll have something to talk about at work. You'll tell everyone, 'yeah she kept saying she's gonna die and she did! She predicted her death! '"

She just shook her head at me.

See, I'm not taking death too lightly, as what she probably thinks. It's just that I'm not scared of it like I used to. As I grow up, I realized that I may not know what lies behind death, but I know that's where I'll find peace.

Hey, I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Nor is my life too lonely for me to say a thing like that. But surely, after all that's happening in this crazy world, something better awaits us all in the afterlife.

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