Sometimes, I have this insane desire to just lock myself inside my room and never go out. Why? Because I know it is the only place where I can be safe. Where no one can touch me, where no one can seep through my consciousness, where I can let down my guard, where I can be me without having to look over my shoulder to see if anyone is watching my every move.

My room is my haven.

No scratch that. Philippines is my haven. And I wanna go back home. Yes, home. Back home where I know I can be safe.

Have you ever experienced being alone, where you know you have no one to run to, and you're scared, and you don't know what to do. Where all you can do is cry, then go to sleep, and hopefully slumber brings you peace, and if not, then you just pray that tomorrow be a better day for you.

I'm not making sense, am I? I know. I'm trying to let out my feelings without blurting out everything that's happened to me this whole ten months I've been here in the States.

It's funny. This is my blog and I have every right to say whatever I wanted to say, whatever I'm feeling, and yet, now I know in this situation I can't do that. I have to protect something or someone.

Or maybe it's just that I'm scared. I'm scared that whatever I might blurt out now can ruin an otherwise happy relationship.

I know that when I open my mouth, put my foot forward, things will change drastically. A lot of people will be affected. And I don't want that to happen. This is what I hate about myself. I hate that I have to endure something bad, in order to keep the peace, or the sanity of others.

I hate what's happening. I hate that because of what happened, and is continually happening, I lost something in myself. I lost that trust I usually have for people I am close to.

You know I just realized something... You know those cases where women were raped and they were scared to come forward and report what happened in fear that no one would believe them? I know how they feel... Sometimes you just can't come forward and say something because, in truth, you are scared that no one would believe you. Maybe not because you're not believable. Maybe it's because I think people have this tendency to deny to themselves that a supposedly 'good' person could do something horrible... I think that people just tend to want to believe that nothing horrible could happen in their world, esp. if they had lived a sheltered life. I think most people would rather believe in the farce, rather than face reality.

Furthermore, you yourself can hardly believe that such a thing could happen to you, what more of others believing it? I hope I'm still making some sense here...

I know one day I will have the guts to come forward and say what I had been keeping for a long time now. Only two people know of this secret. Two people I trust with my life, my brother and Lester. But I know, one day soon, everybody will know about it. And I'm scared of the outcome. I'm very scared.