Somber Thoughts

Another resident in the hospital I work for died last night.

Maybe in my field of work, or to anyone who works in a hospital, death is just any other ordinary event. It is like it's something normal, something expected.

Will I ever get used to it? I don't know.

I was just a little suprprised at how nonchalant the nurses were when they announced the death of that resident.

"Where's Marge?," asked CNA1

"Oh, she's gone," answered CNA2, as she continued to do her work.

"Huh?", -- CNA1

"She died last night." -- CNA2

"Oh, okay." said CNA1, then continued on his way, as if he hadn't heard something pretty bad. As if the death of that resident meant nothing to him.

And most probably it doesn't. How could it? Marge was just one of the many patients he used to handle everyday. He probably thought, huh, one less patient to take care of.

And what about me? What do I feel about a resident who just died last night? I felt bad. No, not because I'm pretty close to that patient or anything like that, coz I'm not. I felt bad because I can't even remember her face. I see her everyday but now I can't remember what she looked like. And I feel awful about that. It was like in my mind, she never existed. I know her name yes, but why can't I remember her face? I closed my eyes real tight, and tried to rack my memory of her face. But my brain goes blank.

Will it be like this for me from now on? Will I really get used to hearing of death that it won't affect me anymore, that my brain brings out only blank faces. Will I be like those nurses, unfeeling, nonchalant. Would that job make me somewhat of a robot? Why don't I feel anything anymore? Me, who cried for the death of children I never even knew, me, who cried for the lives of those who died in the 9-11 incident, me, who cried on Rico Yan's death, me, who cries on animal cruelty, me, who cried on a friend's pet's death, me, who cried on the death of the dad of a dear friend, why don't I feel anything now?

***
I wish I was a poet.
So I could express into beautiful words, fragments of what I feel in my heart.
You make me so happy.
You put a smile on my face.
A grin on my lips.
A spring on my step.
Sunshine on this snowy day.
A song in my heart.
A sparkle in my eyes.
A tingling on my fingers.
Butterflies in my stomach.
A hope in my heart.
A dream in my sleep.

***
Someday I know I'm gonna leave blogger behind. Not by choice but because I need to. Why do I feel that someday would come sooner than I expected?

If that day comes, what other forms could I stay sane into this crazy world I live in? I wonder.